Do you think it's controlling?

[CockChoker]

I think he's very controlling and he doesn't appear to respect you and treat you like an equal partner. I'd seriously review other aspects of your relationship and see if he's showing controlling traits there too. I couldn't live like that and I'd start looking for a job so you can have your own income and ensure he pays his share of any childcare costs.

[LucyS]

It sounds like the initial unrealistic budget is the problem.

I'd probably try broaching it again and if that didn't work I'd dig my heels in and produced beans on toast or cheese toasties for 'dinner' a few days in a row and continue as I am for lunch.

It's totally unreasonable to ask you not to pick up a few groceries when he's not the one at home eating the slim pickings in the fridge. Fair enough if cash flow was a problem, but not if things are ok money wise.

I do like Deise's advice but with one small change...

Keep dinner to beans on toast with, maybe, beans on pasta as an occasional treat. No need to be frittering money away on cheese for toasties on these occasions.

[cassie]

Yes I think it is very controlling.

We live on a tight budget but I couldn't live with being questioned on every little cost if there isn't a problem with money like you have said. Unless you sit down together and start again with a set amount for your use that you are happy with, then this could damage your relationship in the future. I have seen this happen to a friend of mine.

[Iamsoneedy]

Yes it's controlling and it is nothing to do with being on a tight budget. If you are on a tight budget, and it doesn't sound like you are, then you have to be trusted to act like an adult and not run amok with the credit card. He seems to be assuming you are a child and need to be watched.

I couldn't stick that. Being mean just drains the joy out of life. I would also look at earning my own money and ensure, as Cock Choker says, he pays half the childcare.

[Mrs Snow]

I think part of his reaction is a need to be in control and another part is his perspective that it's his money as opposed to household money.

Firstly he needs to understand that budgeting is not an exact science. You will know regular bill amounts as these tend to stay the same and therefore easy to plan for but for the likes of groceries and every day living you make educated guesses on what you think is sufficient to cover what's needed. If it's not enough then you amend your budget and make sure it's a true reflection of what's needed.

I think part of the problem is that you didn't really draw up the budget together, he decided on it. It should be between you both how the household income is divided up. First you ensure you're covering all bills and expenses and saving sufficiently then you go onto the extras for each of you - in my budget the two of us have our own category for kindle purchases/football boots/ whatever it is you want to buy for yourself) and make sure that those spends are planned for so he can't try and make you feel guilty for spending it. You should be have access to money for you and he shouldn't be the only one who gets to decide what spends are justified.

I use YNAB (DH is mostly onboard but doesn't track his spends) and for me I have realised that I was not getting best value from my grocery shop (for what I was spending on it) due to poor meal planning etc and I have cut down on some of the €20 spends here and there but sometimes they're unavoidable. The small spends annoy me a bit as I would prefer to spend that money on something else or save it but it's not a big deal.

[Donnie]

It doesn't sound intentional , but he needs to be reined in. Could be just enthusatic about the budgetting. However you need to adjust budgets especially if they had not been set realistically. And you need a pot for "stuff". We have 250 euro in our budget for "spending money" and that's anything goes. Kindle purchases are exactly that kind of thing.

Sit down , have a calm chat and explain you can't be questioned on small stuff like that, reasse the grocery budget set and have a budget for your own spends.

The 20 euro here and there do add up mind you!

[Gerbera]

I couldn't take that at all & it does sound controlling. I'm a SAHM on DH's income. He never asks what I spend my money on. To make life easier, he transfers an agreed amount to my account every week. If I need more, I let him know. I might say it's for x, y or z but be doesn't ask. No way could I be answering for every little expense. If we have a spending heavy few weeks with bills or unexpected costs, I can work out where to cut back myself, I'm an adult.

He may not realise what he's doing though. Sit down & have an honest chat about it.

[sue4u]

In my opinion, he is very controlling!!!
We're on a budget here, but if either myself of DP needs to spend more then expected, we don't get at eachothers throats...

[CocoRose]

How much input did you have on building up your savings etc in the past? Maybe to have money in your savings etc ye were watching every penny and now he can't switch off.
People telling you here that they couldn't live where a €10/€20 went have obviously not had to live as strictly as others. It's all relatice to your financial situation.

Try reading the post properly before making comments like that. Obviously if the OP said they were struggling, it would make more sense that she's asked this regularly but they are not struggling.

[Huggiebear]

I like Deise's advice because that's what I'd do. My DH's work involves him looking at other households income and expenditure and while he tells me we spend way more on groceries than the average person, if he does the shopping he spends even more than me. My husband once mentioned to me that our groceries were too expensive so the following week I cut back on the items he likes e.g. Coffee, cheap deodorant, BIC razors etc. fir the limited amount if saved, it wasn't worth him changing brands

[Angel]

Well I suppose you're the only one who can answer that. On the outside people would think our situation is controlling in the reverse. I'm a sahm, dh works but I look after the finances. I don't question him as such but I'd prefer if he didn't touch the "family" account for his own spending. We each have a set amount for personal stuff. If he needs more he needs to say it to me purely because I'm the one who knows what bills have to be paid and when. If he takes say €200 out without saying it to me then I could be left short for bills. Maybe he had the account balanced and covering what needed to be paid and you then spent more.

Would it work if you had your own set money to spend. I prefer to keep groceries etc in the family account but I like having my own discretionary money that I know is not needed for bills

[LucyS]

How much input did you have on building up your savings etc in the past? Maybe to have money in your savings etc ye were watching every penny and now he can't switch off.
People telling you here that they couldn't live where a €10/€20 went have obviously not had to live as strictly as others. It's all relatice to your financial situation.

Try reading the post properly before making comments like that. Obviously if the OP said they were struggling, it would make more sense that she's asked this regularly but they are not struggling.

I think this comment to Maisy was a little uncalled for CocoRose.

[CocoRose]

Maybe I'm being a bit blunt I suppose sorry to Maisy for that but I find it irritating when people took time to reply with advice relevant to the OP and someone comments making the assumption we 'obviously haven't had to live as strictly as others'.

[Wookie]

I would take a look at YNAB as well. That way the budget is set out each month, expenses are logged as they are done and you can clearly see what is left on each category. The YNAB site has 4 simple rules and the philosophy might help you and your dh come to an agreement on how to divvy up the budget. You both have the app and can see what is going on. I am the only one working so we both get the same amount of spending money into our own accounts. Money is quite tight so I would be questioning random expenses but not controlling the money. I'm the one who looks after it more than dh, but with the aim of making sure we don't over spend and not to control dh.

[angelika]

I think the fact the he is querying grocery purchases and Kindle transactions, but then buying you expensive items is a bit controlling. It's like he wants to be the one to decide on the discretionary expenditure, to be seen to be treating you. If you had bought either of the expensive items yourself, would he have queried it?