Discovered 15 year olds friends drinking

[Wimbled0n]

What trust are you all talking about? Her DD did not trust her - she fessed up when her mother found out what was planned.
THat's not trust IMO

I would certainly be talking with your family /parent of the cousin who bought the alcohol - he should know better.
And I don't think your punishment is too harsh - she would have gone drinking if not for the babysitting. I'm assuming you have had a talk with her already about drinking and told her what your expectations are.
She is the one who needs to earn back trust at this stage.

But you're punishing her for something she had intended to do - that's mad ted, it's a bit like a nun I had who could look into my soul and know my intentions!!!

There'll be enough things she'll fuck up on that require you to come down in her like a tonne of bricks, this is not one of those imo

All that catholic education wasn't wasted on me ya know!

For me underage drinking would be a real red line issue and I would come down hard (but in fairness my kids will be well warned, so they will know where I stand on the issue). The fact she got a cousin to buy the alcohol etc means it was well planned - they knew what they were doing and that is where the lack of trust comes into it for me.

It's not about having a mad rant (some other poster used that phrase) but more about taking a firm approach that age 18 or whatever, alcohol use is not an option. And of course sitting down and having a chat about why I take it so seriously, what I did as a teen and what I hope from them in the future. It doesn't have to be an all-out row.

I am fairly easy going on most things but we have such a strong drinking culture among teens that has only gotten worse since I was that age - I see so many parents waiver when it comes to taking a stance on it and I don't want to do that. I suppose I would worry that the bigger fuck ups (unprotected sex, assault etc) will come about as a result of alcohol combined with poor judgement.

Of course I reserve the right to do a u turn on all this, but I suspect I won't. They say pick your battles and this would be one for me.

Fair enough - of course lines in sand are important

For me they are no underage sex and no drug use/smoking - I'm at zero tolerance for these

With drink - I'm a bit more flexible
I know no one from my parents age right down to my children who waited until 18 for their first drink

[molson]

Wow quite different responses.. I'm confident that dd's punishment is fair given the circumstances..it was planned, pre-meditated whatever you want to call it and she knew what she was doing and what the consequences would be.. the planned drinking isn't the fundamental issue for us it's the lying and secrecy that are the deal breakers in our house.
Anyway to update, I actually bumped into the mum of the girl who went babysitting with dd and filled her in, she was thankful for the heads up.. the 2 girls are friends since playschool and I knew she would want to know what was planned. Interestingly her dd had told her already [WINKING FACE] As for the others, I've decided to say nothing, I've only met the parents briefly while dropping/collecting dd from events and don't know their stance on it,also don't want my dd to take the rap for them getting in trouble!
Dh, dd and I had a long chat this evening,a lot of tears and truths but was definately an eye opener for me... im adament now that no matter what we think or choose to believe, none of us really truly know what's going on in our teenagers life's... keep your eyes open! Im well aware we will have loads more of difficult situations as she gets older but I'm hoping that the honest open relationship we have agreed on now will make the journey a little easier
Thanks for all the input x

[Grand Cru]

Great post Molson. Well done!

This thread encouraged me to talk to my daughter today when I met her after a sleepover with 3 pals she has known since she was 4. Lovely gorgeous girls but it spurred me on to talk about home drinking and what to do if good friends suggest it would be funny to try a sip of Dad's Gin or Mum's Vodka. We had another chat about peer pressure and how it is easy to get caught up in the excitement of trying something new rather than seeing the risk.


Thanks.

[Shivvy]

Molson, that sounds like a good outcome.

[cassie]

Wow quite different responses.. I'm confident that dd's punishment is fair given the circumstances..it was planned, pre-meditated whatever you want to call it and she knew what she was doing and what the consequences would be.. the planned drinking isn't the fundamental issue for us it's the lying and secrecy that are the deal breakers in our house.
Anyway to update, I actually bumped into the mum of the girl who went babysitting with dd and filled her in, she was thankful for the heads up.. the 2 girls are friends since playschool and I knew she would want to know what was planned. Interestingly her dd had told her already [WINKING FACE] As for the others, I've decided to say nothing, I've only met the parents briefly while dropping/collecting dd from events and don't know their stance on it,also don't want my dd to take the rap for them getting in trouble!
Dh, dd and I had a long chat this evening,a lot of tears and truths but was definately an eye opener for me... im adament now that no matter what we think or choose to believe, none of us really truly know what's going on in our teenagers life's... keep your eyes open! Im well aware we will have loads more of difficult situations as she gets older but I'm hoping that the honest open relationship we have agreed on now will make the journey a little easier
Thanks for all the input x

That's great Molson that ye all had such an honest talk at least now your dd knows she can go to you anytime.
And just to warn you there will be times when you wont like what you are hearing but you will just have to
zip it and listen....

[waggs*]

I'm reading this post on the night my 16 year old is at a house party of a friend who has just turned 18 and does drink. I'm sure there will be drink at the party but call me naive, I'm pretty sure DS will not partake. I'll be waiting up to see! It is such a bloody minefield parenting teens. I did not want him to go to this party - but - he is trustworthy, well-behaved, respectful, tidy, does housework etc. etc. - I haven't half the complaints many others have about their teens so from remembering how my own mother was with us - I'm taking the chance of letting him do stuff provided he remains 100 percent honest. Once the honesty is gone, so is the permission. DS has always been fairly confident and doesn't bend easily to peer pressure but his day will come. Unfortunately his Dad has him believing that if he's caught drinking there will be hell to pay - I would prefer him to believe that if it's something he wants to do then he just needs to talk to us first. I'm flipping delighted I've got him to 16 without drink being a major issue because both my brothers cause problems with drink before 16. Waiting to 18 is 'officially' ideal but really no one turns into a responsible adult on their 18th birthday.
One tip I got from a parent that I seriously hope I never have to use but I won't forget it: he has two adult daughters - when they started going out drinking - at 17/18 - the popular thing to do was bring a naggin of vodka and just buy cokes cos none of them could afford the drinks. Their mother encouraged them to use the house vodka and not be wasting their money on off-licence vodka. She'd even fill their little naggins or hip flasks for them. Needless to say the house vodka was well-watered down!

[babytum]

I've read this thread with interest. My eldest is 14 and we're coming towards the drinking dilemma. One thing I do know is my perceived parenting methods of how I was going to raise my teenagers has changed dramatically now that I've got one. Lol.

Everything that I had a definitive zero tolerance for is open for discussion as we come upon each issue and so far so good. I get told much more than most of her friends mums and we talk ALOT. There have been times I have thought I wish I didn't know that!
It's not easy

[ellie3]

My dd went on a sleepover for her friend's 13th birthday, i was commiserating with her mum at having 6 13 year olds sleeping in the house. She has 3 older teenagers and her reply was at least i don't have to worry about the possibility of any of this lot sneaking alcohol in and i had real oh no it's all ahead of me moment!!

[rubies]

Am very curious to know what excuse the 17 year old cousin offered for buying the vodka for them! My own dd is not keen to go to the likes of Wez (or similar discos) because she knows she will be pressured into having to drink...

[Silkie]

One bit of advice - if your teens think you don’t like their friends then they are not likely to spend time with them at your home. That could then lead to not knowing where they are, who they are with or what time they will be home. If you offer them the chance to spend time with their friends on their own at home, you may be surprised how eagerly they take it up. Welcome their friends with open arms, but leave them alone, with popping in with snacks etc. So even if you aren't keen on them, they are, so don't close the door and drive them elsewhere.

Very good advice grandcru

Id definitely say nothing to the other parents, id also relent a little on the punishment as it seems very harsh for a non offence iykwim. Take the hard line when she does actually do something and it is required. Id commend her honesty with you but give her fair warning of the consequences of something like this happening in the future.

[NellyNoggin]

I've read this thread with interest. My eldest is 14 and we're coming towards the drinking dilemma. One thing I do know is my perceived parenting methods of how I was going to raise my teenagers has changed dramatically now that I've got one. Lol.

Everything that I had a definitive zero tolerance for is open for discussion as we come upon each issue and so far so good. I get told much more than most of her friends mums and we talk ALOT. There have been times I have thought I wish I didn't know that!
It's not easy

Thanks to the posts wrt teenagers here & on MM I have come to the same conclusion. You have no idea how you will handle teenage issues until you are in that position. Same as people without children giving parenting advice! We often think we know everything until we are in that position.

I think the Mums of teenagers have given fantastic advice to the OP, advice that I plan to keep in mind as my 11yr old is slowly turning into a teenager. Speaking to dh today, we don't think he'll give us much trouble (stop laughing!!) but it is good to read & remember advice given by other Mums of teenagers wrt issues they face & how to deal with it. Right now, he tells me EVERYTHING, way tmi at times, but at least the lines of communication are very open.

On a side note, I've learned alot from reading threads about older kids & teenagers & how important it is to know who they are with & what they are doing. So I have an open house. I say 'I' because dh wishes they'd go off to their friends' houses for a while. But I am adamant, thanks to threads like this, that we will have an open house so we can keep an eye on them; know their friends & hopefully what they get up to.

[Grand Cru]

I also think the advice is great on this thread and it is really heartening how much emphasis we put on having good relationships with our teens. Good stuff!