Marriage issues

[Guest]

Am a regular but prefer to go anon....this is long...bear with me!! We have been married for 15 years, 3 kids...13,11 and 7. I'm 42 years old. For a very long time, I have been unhappy in my marriage. My husband is not a bad man.....just v.stubborn and I feel v.immature. We have not had sex in over 2 years.

I feel I have reached the end of my tether now. I feel resentful. I have supported him through college, etc....and he is now in a job that he loves but quite frankly, pays v.little. I also work 3 days per week but have a v.long commute but in my line of work, I have no option and financially I must do it. I carafe for my husband but I know I just do not love him anymore. It is too many years of resentment. For example, I have always managed the finances, paying bills, organising kids....basically bloody everything!!! If I tell him to do something, he will do it but strop like my 13 year old . He is good with the kids and I always acknowledged that and he does have a great relationship with them.

I would be happy to separate but my big issue is my work. I'm gone from 6am and the days I work...he gets them ready for school and picks up, etc. and take the time off when they are I'll. I know to a lot of ye, this sounds trivial but I rely in this big time. I'm happy out when he is working nights, etc....the peace I feel is immense. I have not slept in weeks because I'm tortured with anxiety for the future. How would I manage financially?? We are not in negative equity.....could we sell the home and split the money?? What am in entitled to?? My husband point blank refuses to talk about it. He said it is my problem. He is doing everything he can to make things better. He then goes around like a petty teenager slamming doors and shouting.....this then effects the kids....I feel they are starting to resent me too

We have had a few family/friends events the past few weekends and I have had to attend these on my own. He just won't come with me. I looked around at a party last weekend...all couples and I felt miserable. I too would love that. I feel I'm too young to have basically given up on my sex life....bit of fun, etc.....

He refuses to go to marriage counselling. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone living in this situation ? What would I be entitled to financially as a separated woman working part time?? Thanks for reading

[snow patrol]

Guest

I've no experience but I couldn't read and not respond. It sounds to me like your DH is very much in denial about how serious you are about splitting up. Although, I a not clear from your post if you have been explicit with him that you are thinking this way. Its difficult when he won't talk about it. I think you need to be very clear with him that this is how bad things are from your perspective.

In terms of your entitlements, I would imagine you are entitled to half of everything but I'm sure there are others on here better able to advise you on this. You would also be entitled to maintenance from him to support the upkeep of the children but you would obviously need to discuss custody of the children also.

I'm a little curious about your reference to him not going to marriage counselling. Do you think there is a possibility of salvaging your marriage or is it over in your own mind?

Either way, i think your next step should be forcing a conversation with him about where your head is at. If possible, get the kids away to friends/family for an evening and force the conversation as best you can. Try not to be confrontational and give him a chance to speak his mind too. There seems to be a serious breakdown in the communication between you if he is refusing point blank to talk but nothing will change until both of you put your cards on the table. You need to decide together whether there is something to salvage and depending on that decision, what your next steps should be.

HTH and best of luck

[Guest]

thanks snow patrol....it's just good to vent ....I'm not sure how I feel to be honest....my idea about marriage counselling is perhaps a last ditch attempt to salvage the relationship but I'm not sure. I find dealing with my husband extremely frustrating. For example, myself and kids went to a family thing on sat....he refused to go but that's been the way for years now. We had a huge row that morning....a domestic issue...which we all have. A few hours later....he texts and apologises...this is the norm but now im just sick of it....it's like dealing with a stroppy 18 year old. We have money issues....we just about get buy every month but when something needs fixing/replacing...we are screwed...this doesn't help matters at all.

[Nodrog]

Maybe he is moody because he hasn't had sex with you in two years?

I've no words of wisdom. You have suggested counselling, he has refused- did he give a reason as to why?

He must realise that you both are unhappy but maybe he really doesn't know how serious you are about splitting up?
Is he depressed? Money strains can take their toll.
Re the not attending family events, I don't go to many on DH'S side and he has never made an issue of it and likewise once or twice he didn't want to come to a birthday or some such, I didn't make an issue.

[crunchie]

Have you asked out out straight if he wants to save the relationship?
I think you both need to decide if you are both on the same page, either going to try to fix things or separate.
That's where I would start from, sit down tonight and have a frank and honest conversation with him, you cannot be blameless, it takes two to make a relationship work, you may not like the complaints he has about you!
I would think ending a marriage and living as a separated family is a very hard road to take, how ever if it's over it's over.
It can be fixed and you can get things back on track but it takes a lot of hard work from both of you.
Sitting down and talking openly and honestly is the first thing you need to do.

[snow patrol]

thanks snow patrol....it's just good to vent ....I'm not sure how I feel to be honest....my idea about marriage counselling is perhaps a last ditch attempt to salvage the relationship but I'm not sure. I find dealing with my husband extremely frustrating. For example, myself and kids went to a family thing on sat....he refused to go but that's been the way for years now. We had a huge row that morning....a domestic issue...which we all have. A few hours later....he texts and apologises...this is the norm but now im just sick of it....it's like dealing with a stroppy 18 year old. We have money issues....we just about get buy every month but when something needs fixing/replacing...we are screwed...this doesn't help matters at all.

You need some straight talking between you. Sounds like ye have simply stopped communicating openly with each other. Why does he not do family events? Does he have issues with your family?

Talking to a counsellor friend of mine I remember him telling a group of us that the first thing is does in couples counselling is to ask each of the couple to write down 5 things they appreciate about each other and to start talking from there. The idea is "positive psychology", to start talking in a positive way about each other, rather than tear each other apart with criticism which can just end up in a blazing row and makes things worse. I thought this was an interesting approach as it can help remind you of why you both fell in love in the first place.

Sounds like ye really need to go back and find the things that brought you together in the first place. Often frustrations arise from misunderstandings between you because the communication is so poor. It develops into a vicious cycle. Unless you stop the cycle it will spiral out of control. Sounds like it is worth having a real heart to heart and serious conversation about how you feel you are nearly at the end of the road with the relationship. He needs to understand how serious it is from your perspective. Likewise, you need to understand better what is going on in his head. You definitely need to discuss why you haven't had sex in 2 years....

[tgirl]

Would it be worth you getting counselling to get your own head together?

[Guest]

thanks guys.....yeah counselling seems like a good idea, for me but it's something I just cannot afford at the moment I looked into it but v.expensive. My health is seriously suffering due to lack of sleep and I just cannot think straight. I feel overwhelmed and feel a huge weight in my shoulders. I won a weekend break recently and thought perhaps himself and myself could use it but the thought fills me with dread to be honest.....spending it in a spa for 2 nights alone does sound appealing though

All night, I battled with my head. How would I cope as a single mother?? I have brought up separating before and he said I'd be on my own....he wouldn't help out with kids while I work, etc....kids would be damaged coming from a broken home....etc.etc....

[bluebetty]

Sorry to hear things are so tough.You sound as if you have come to the end of the road but if you do decide you want to have one more go at working on the relationship there is something called Imago Therapy which helps couples who have drifted apart to understand what has come between them and how they can rekindle the spark they have lost. There are workshops or you can do individual sessions with a therapist. It is a bit more structured than other forms of counselling, which suits some couples. It might be worth a try. Here is a bit of information. If you google Imago therapy in Ireland, you'll get a list of counsellors who are qualified to use it.

http://pub.imagorelationships.org/About ... Imago.aspx

http://www.counsellingdirectory.ie/vide ... eo-guide-2

[Nodrog]

Maybe that break is exactly what you both need to rekindle your relationship?
Go away together, talk talk talk and see if your marriage is worth saving-and have sex!

[Prudish]

[quote="Nodrog"]Maybe he is moody because he hasn't had sex with you in two years?
[/quote]
Very unhelpful, making it sound like its her fault when it sounds like he's not participating in the relationship at all

[Guest]

thanks....prudish...the sex comment is one that has been touched on. Have had a few pm's...suggesting I just have sex with my hubby and "he" will be fine..an odd view, I think.

At the moment I need to sort my head out as mentally, I'm drowning

[Prudish]

I've been trying that approach this week and while its been a lot if fun it's not fixing any of the underlying issues whatsoever

[crunchie]

You are too far apart, mentally and emotionally to have sex. Sort out the other issues and this will fall into place. Have you had a chance to talk to him yet?

[guest]

Doloo.....I unintentionally posted under my usual user name but deleted it when I realised.