How can I be better?

[Alone]

Hi,
I'm a regular user and would be mortified if anyone knew about this.
I don't know what to do.
I've found myself in a situation where I'm either crying or on the verge of tears all the time.

Bit of history, about 6 years ago I was lost my job due to the "down turn". I fought so hard to keep it. It was in career that I was good at.
Still lots to learn but I knew what I was doing.
I could not get a job anywhere.
Ended up in temp admin/ public services job on less than half of my previous salary with a 105min drive each way but thought hey I'm working that must count for something.
I was literately laughed out of interviews when the interviewers saw what I doing.
Obviously I mustn't have expressed myself properly, or shown I was hard working as soon I wasn't even getting interviews.

When that job ended. I was back to square one. no prospect of getting back to my career, no interviews.
During that time I was doing my husbands paperwork. He suggested I work for him since I had created a role for myself.
I thought it would be great, something for my cv until things picked up and my social welfare was running out ( I failed the means test since my husband was working) plus the commute would be better than my last job.

In the course of 3 or 4 years years I seem to have lost any shred of self confidence or self esteem.
I cant seem to do anything right. I make alot of mistakes.
I hesitate to do anything without checking to make sure its right with my husband.
but anytime I ask a question he is shocked at how stupid it is.
I ask because I don't know but my husband thinks I'm taking the piss.
I only do admin, it cant be this hard.
He often wonders how I got my degree. So do I.
I cant believe how much time, effort and money I wasted for that piece of paper.
I cant believe I used to manage a team and write reports, solve problems etc. It seems like a different life.
I'm grateful that anyone I knew in college or ex colleagues cant see what I've turned into.

Family and acquaintances think I have a "handy number" as the girl in the office but it doesn't feel that way.
I obviously must be doing something wrong.
Someone please tell me what Im doing??

This lack of confidence or whatever also makes me work far too slowly. I'm so unproductive.
and I've noticed the same at home. It takes me ages to clean or cook or bake anything.
I used to be a really good cook. We go out for dinner at the weekend now as it takes to long for me to cook.
I had my inlaws over for Easter dinner and I bought everything in and thought I had my timings right but it still wasn't fast enough.
I don't bake anymore as whats the point spending half a hour or a hour on some buns or a cake when I should just get it on Tesco online.
Its the same with shopping, I used to spent too long in town so I do shopping online but that sometimes that takes too long too or I forget to order something.
My husband has been very patient. He doesn't give out when I do something wrong but you can see he is disappointed with me
We are ttc but I'm secretly glad we haven't succeeded because I don't think I would be capable.

I suppose I just really want to stop crying.
Its really annoying my husband and my face is puffy all the time.
What can I do?
How can I be more productive?

[tgirl]

Have you gone to your GP about depression? I can only go on what you have posted here, but it sounds very like depression to me. One thing about depression is that it lies. It tells you that you are no good and not capable of doing something, when it's not true.

In the career you trained for, was admin part of it? It's possible to be good at one job, but poor at doing general admin work, it doesn't mean you are stupid!

[dutchie]

You poor thing - my heart goes out to you :-(. You really need to get yourself to your GP and have a chat with him/her. To me it sounds like your suffering depression - nothing wrong with that whatsoever... Your confidence is at an all time low. Have you got family / friends that you could talk to...? You need to talk to someone. Please don't suffer in silence - pick up the phone and make an appt with your GP - this is the first step to getting some help

[billyo]

You poor girl, that's a very sad post, and reads like you are so very hard on yourself.
I agree with above, sounds like depression and you need to bring your post for your doctor to read if you think you might not get it all out.
I would see your doctor asap. It sounds like you have been miserable for quite a while.
I really hope you feel better soon. Go
easy on yourself.

[crunchie]

In January I had some major stress and it caused me to be depressed and anxious, like you I was bursting into tears all the time. I also found myself unable to complete the most basic of tasks and small worries became huge problems. This went on for a good few weeks, eventually I went to my gp as I knew I couldn't continue as I was. He said I was in a complete state of high anxiety and was depressed. He gave me 10 tablets and told me to take one if and when I felt I needed one. I took one that night and one the following two nights, and that is all I needed to take. Once my head cleared and I wasn't stressing about the smallest of things I was able to think much clearer and deal with the issues that were making me unhappy. In the space of a few weeks I completely turned things around and haven't looked back since.
Please go to your gp and get some help, read back over what you have written, it sounds exhausting. Give up doing the admin for your dh, you don't seem to enjoy it anyway. Take some time out to focus on yourself and get back on your feet.
I also found at that time I lost complete interest in everything and I mean even brushing my teeth seemed a chore. You can't focus on anything you are doing because your consumed with these thoughts of feeling inadaquate and it's a vicious circle.
I downloaded some relaxation apps and listened to them at night before I went to sleep I also bought an oil burner and burned lavender oil in my bedroom before I went up in the evenings.
Don't worry you will get through this period but you really need to take the steps to change things yourself and your gp is the first step.

[snow patrol]

Alone

I would also recommend you visit your GP. I wouldn't necessarily jumpt to the conclusion that it is depression, it is a possibility but there are all sorts of other medical related issues it could be eg. hormonal (thyroid problem?), some sort of vitamin/mineral deficiency etc. You should definitely go get bloods done and have a complete medical check up as a starting point.

Well done on reaching out for help. Hopefully this is the start of getting to the bottom of whatever is causing you to feel this way.

Best of luck and mind yourself.

[Deer]

I echo the above. Get yourself to a doctor and have a chat. You shouldn't be feeling like this you poor thing. Have you friends you could talk to about it? I hope you feel better soon but please go talk to the doc .

[Twinkle]

As well as a chat with your GP, look into the LifeSkills course with Aware and maybe Mindfulness courses in your area

[tgirl]

As well as a chat with your GP, look into the LifeSkills course with Aware and maybe Mindfulness courses in your area

This is a really good course, I forgot about it .

[anonimouse]

You should definitely talk to your GP. I turned up at mine 12 years ago and told him that I couldn't stop crying all the time, etc and he was so kind and compassionate that it felt like someone was offering me a life raft. He/she will have seen it all before, so don't feel nervous about talking to them. You sound very low and in need of some kindness but no one will know to help unless you take the first step and ask.

Good luck and I hope you're feeling better soon.

[Alone]

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I went to my GP a few weeks ago with an infection.
I tried to talk to her after my initial issue was addressed but she cut me off and said something like "Gosh everything is so complicated with you"
That floored me a bit, its a small practice in a really rural area.
A couple of years ago something happened that lead to a little bit of PTSD and she was nice.
Maybe I wore her out with all my feelings back then.
I don't feel comfortable with the other doctor.
I went to a counselor a few years ago for the PTSD she was nice but there weren't many other options in the general area.
Maybe I should try see if she is still around, I cant remember her name.

I'm not very close to my family, they have their own issues.
I have a friend abroad but she has alot on her plate atm.

tgirl - no it was technical, I had great admin support

crunchie - thanks for comforting advice. I will have a look for some apps.

snow patrol - all bloods fine asked Dr for hormones, thyroid etc a few weeks ago. I had some minor surgery a few times last year but had some post op infections/complications so had alot of blood tests.

Twinkle - The Lifeskills looks like its something I should do. The centres are too far away but the online course might be ok and thats in a few more weeks.

anonimouse - thank you

God even putting on this in words has been cathartic but also has made it real iykwim.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Guest]

[quote="3dollys"]but anytime I ask a question he is shocked at how stupid it is.
I ask because I don't know but my husband thinks I'm taking the piss.
I only do admin, it cant be this hard.
He often wonders how I got my degree. So do I.

This sounds so sad and he sounds very unsupportive.
I work for my DH. Im always asking him stupid questions. Ist VERY hard when its your own business and its VERY hard not to take it personally.
But your DH should be making you feel MORE valued, not less. I am very upset for you that he thinks you are taking the piss. How can he wonder how you got your degree? You did, you have the Piece of Paper to Prove it.
I have no specific advice, but I would be talking to your DH too. He should be more appreciative of what you do for the business. He wouldnt be able to treat an employee badly at work, so he shouldnt treat you like that.[/quote]



How do you do it?
Im still in the office. I really should go home as Ive lots to do there but I feel I should try get a bit more done here as Ive done nothing here all day.

[herself]

Would you go to another GP? It very much sounds like depression. It's like wading through thick soup, moving slowly and things take so long no matter how hard you try.

It's not your fault at all and even posting here you're doing taking steps to do something about it. It's definitely a good idea to print your first post. It's very clearly written out and would take the pressure off having to remember everything you want to say.

[snow patrol]

I agree with Herself. Definitely try and get another GP, even if you have to travel further afield. If possible get a recommendation from someone. You need someone who is empathetic and will help figure out what the underlying problem is.

Best of luck.