Can this be fixed

[notinlove]

Me and Dp were chatting in bed last night. We haven't been great for a long time. Since last year. He said we love each other, but are not in love with each other. I agree. Can this be fixed? I don't know. I'm not going to list all my problems with him. There would be a lot and I'm sure he would be the same. We have three kids. He feel asleep after saying it to me. I don't know what to expect when he wakes up. Can you love someone and not be in love with them? Can it be fixed?

[CLBG]

Sorry you're going through this. That's a very big question to try to answer with so little information. I think you can be reminded of why you fell in love in the first place and maybe get that back.. It just depends on the issues, history, etc. How are things this morning?

[ainm2]

I don't think you can resolve that by yourselves. A few sessions with a counsellor would help a lot to put things in perspective and see what has changed between you. Best of luck with it whatever you decide.

[Elsie]

agree with CLBG. Can you have a weekend away and spend time together as a couple rather than mum and dad, see if the romance is still there. Its so easy for a marriage to become like a pair of comfy slippers.... where at first it was like a pair of hot stilettoes!! But you both have to agree to try and get past it. Best of luck x

[sue4u]

agree with CLBG. Can you have a weekend away and spend time together as a couple rather than mum and dad, see if the romance is still there. Its so easy for a marriage to become like a pair of comfy slippers.... where at first it was like a pair of hot stilettoes!! But you both have to agree to try and get past it. Best of luck x

Love this you said!
Its so easy for a marriage to become like a pair of comfy slippers.... where at first it was like a pair of hot stilettoes!

Agree with the others - further discussions are needed to access your situation.
Keep talking - it is so important.

Best of luck!

[Kissyfur]

I think you can if you both want to. You need to find out if you both want it to continue then prioritise your relationship/sex for a while probably with outside help.

[anonimouse]

Yes, I think you can love someone without being in love with them. I think that throughout a relationship the levels if 'being in love' fluctuate for both people due to external factors and their effect on the relationship. We have young kids, busy lives and not much outside help and it is very hard at times. I find that spending time alone together and individually really helps but there has to be a willingness on both your parts to make an effort.

There was a very interesting discussion on this topic on Sean O'Rourke's show on intimacy in marriage on radio 1 on Wednesday in relation to this issue. It might be worth a listen to the podcast. It's such a common problem but very few people are willing to admit it or discuss it as they're embarrassed or ashamed.

Here's a link to the podcast , the discussion starts at 45 minutes http://www.rte.ie/radio/utils/radioplay ... %2D2015%3A

[notinlove]

He didn't say much to me this morning, nor me to him. He went to work and I did the school drop off. I haven't spoke to him since. I know we will have to sit down and talk about everything. Can you fall back in love? Like how it used to be? I don't want another few years to pass just existing, just rolling into each day. We never just have a chat, even about our days. My main issue is feeling like he only gives me attention when he wants sex. The week I have AF, I get nothing from him, no hugs or kisses. I'm non existent. Its the same every month. When he thinks he might get lucky, he would say god you're beautiful. But there's no meaning to it. They're just words. His idea of attention is slapping my bum. I would rarely get help from him in the house. He works, and it's like he is superior to me because he works. He would say things like, I own you. But would then say he is only messing and that I'm dry and no craic.

[Overjoyed]

I think you and your dh shoûld read this. Very real and true. Sums it up really.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

[Lady Madonna]

Overjoyed that poem is lovely and so true and has given me a reality check for my high expectations of love and romance!

There were and still are times when a similar situation arises OP. Also have 3 kids and my biggest problem is resentment. So if DP is sitting on his backside watching the 6.01 news and I'm in the kitchen it's like "isn't it well for him relaxing" He's out working nights and says "isn't it well for you at home in bed" The amount of mental and physical energy that goes into looking after 3 kids is mammoth, between feeding them, educating them, dressing them and cleaning up after them.

I am so in love with my OH, there are times when he's out working and I miss him terribly and wish he was here. Then he comes home, turns on the telly and I feel like he has no interest in me and I'm a bit dejected. Twice in the last few months we had a night away on our own in a hotel and it was lovely, except the second time we were in a bit of a rush to get there and back it felt like it wasn't worth it. Honestly, I think I would just as much like to have a day together to go mountain walking or something near home, we'd be more inclined to just talk and be us rather than sitting down to a meal together and wondering what to talk about.

[Overjoyed]

Yes it's very true. Had it read out as a reading at my wedding a few years ago.

[anonimouse]

'I own you' is an utterly disgraceful thing for a man to say to his wife and the claim that he is 'only joking' is no defence. People don't say things like that to someone that they love and respect. I would give serious consideration to attending counselling together, it sounds from the limited amount that you have told us that there is an imbalance in the relationship.

[ShaShaBaby]

'I own you' is an utterly disgraceful thing for a man to say to his wife and the claim that he is 'only joking' is no defence. People don't say things like that to someone that they love and respect. I would give serious consideration to attending counselling together, it sounds from the limited amount that you have told us that there is an imbalance in the relationship.

This is what stood out to me too. That's a horrible thing to say 'joking' or not. Also the fact that you feel he is only affectionate if he wants something I find upsetting. I think you should try counselling if you think he would be compliant but it might not change him not respecting you.

[DazedandConfused]

Whatever about loving or being in love, do you like each other?

[Unnamed poster]

I think you and your dh shoûld read this. Very real and true. Sums it up really.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

love this, we had it at our wedding
op I think you have gotten some great advice so far