Family dynamic-opinions needed.

[SadSibling]

Posting anon for perspective.

I have two siblings. I am the oldest and since I was a child have felt like the odd one out. This was not helped by my parents attitude of 'leaving us to it' including ignoring some particularly hurtful comments and behaviour from them towards me. I moved out of home in my early 20s and tried to maintain what I hoped was a nice relationship with them.

I was the first to get married and my siblings and parents did almost nothing regarding the wedding. Perhaps my expectations were too high, but from the moment we got engaged I was firmly told by my parents they would not pay for any part of the wedding. I received no gift from any of them when we got married. One sibling said afterwards it was great to have the whole thing behind us and they hoped I appreciated how stressful it all was for them.

My youngest sibling got married a few years later and insisted on and got a lot of help from our parents for the wedding. Our parents paid for the meal for their wedding reception and generally had a lot more interest and excitement about the whole affair, including remarks that how this wedding was 'the way to do it'. Said sibling also insisted that they get help from all of the family including me for some things around the wedding.

My middle sibling recently got married and our parents again made a financial contribution, expressed great excitement about how the wedding was fantastic and this time I was the only member of the family not asked to be a part of the ceremony which I found very hurtful. It was commented on by one aunt afterwards when she called into me, and she even asked if there was a falling out she didn't know about. No falling out, I was just not included.

I don't want to sound like I've spend years feeling resentful because I have not. My husband's family have always been extremely supportive and his parents in particular really good to us over the years, which puts my family's dynamic into a harsh and somewhat unsettling picture for me. The older I'm getting, the more I wonder if there's an underlying reason as to why I feel like the leftover one of the family or if there is something I have done to make it feel like I'm somehow not as worthy as my siblings. I know if I ever spoke to them about this they would probably tell me to cop on to my face and privately have a laugh about me feeling this way.

I suppose this is part getting it off my chest, part realising that I'm pining for something I never had and never will have. If you read all this, thanks for staying with it.

[Tinkerbabe]

No advice but you are not alone
I also feel this way but this has only happened over the past 6ish years and some days it gets me really down then I get over it and then someone will post something on social media and again I go through the sad feeling

There’s only me and 1 sibling. Parents favour siblings kids, as in will always offer to mind them overnight/weekends where as I never get the offer. I never get told that my parents are babysitting but find out on social media. I know it sounds petty but it actually hurts a lot. Me and dh never get out. Dh’s parents are quite old so it’s too much on them.
This happens pretty regularly, at least 3 times per month. The rare times I do ask them to babysit there is always an excuse or I’m made to feel like it’s a huge effort.
The babysitting isn’t the only thing, there’s lots more. The sun shines out of my sibling and their partner’s arse!!!!

I feel particularly my mam has really gone cool with me over the past few years, no reason, we have never fallen out, used to be very close etc but just doesn’t make any effort with me anymore, never texts to say hi how are you etc.
I have been quite down all this week about it all.

It’s shit. I try to put it aside and get on with things but it’s always there.

[Scotty]

I’m so sorry that sounds like a shit situation. I think as we get older and less willing to accept bullshit we see things more clearly. I’d be distancing myself and not making myself available to them at the very least. There’s no excuse for treating siblings so differently especially when wedding costs are involved. They will suck the joy out of you so concentrate on the people who treat you well from now on. Your in laws sound lovely.

[RDR]

That sounds painful. If your parents have always behaved like this then your siblings may have learned to mirror their behaviour and attitudes and are continuing to do so. It doesn't make any sense at all and it sounds incredibly hurtful and unnecessary. It may mean your siblings aren't even conscious of why they treat you as they do.

I guess you could ask your parents but tbh you'd need to be open to the real possibility of being gas-lit or to hearing lies or unkind things. I don't know if you'd consider it worth it.

I did notice that you said that siblings insisted on getting things from your parents and you in relation to their wedding. In those kinds of circumstances keep in mind that they cannot insist on anything of you. It sounds very over-bearing.

Protect yourself and draw your own boundaries. Maybe there's value in talking to a therapist or counsellor to help you come to terms with the limitations of your birth family. And take care of yourself. Their behaviour is not a reflection on you.

[Vino]

It's not you it's them. They sound very self absorbed to say the least.
What's your role in the family, do you people please, do anything they ask without question?
Are your siblings male or female?
Aside from the weddings how are things between you all besides?

[Dnwa]

I mentioned in the narcissistic post how much my family behaviour effects me , my siblings are regularly helped out but its expected of me to cope. They got house deposits furniture etc. I got given out to because I didnt buy what she wanted so didnt visit for 5 years .

I am so used to this behaviour now and expect it ,doesnt hurt any the less .

So other then the weddings what are the relationships like ?
Where do you fall in the family like expected to be the head of the house , got it all together so dont need their support? Were siblings are more are see to be more vunrable ?

[pichet]

I feel very sorry that this has been your experience. I have had some similar experiences and dh has often commented that I always seem to get a raw deal in the family. There really is nothing you can do and no one really saw it except one sister. It used to eat me up inside but I have made my peace with it. Having my own family helps a lot as I have their unconditional love.
I am not particularly close to my siblings but we do get on, it was mostly my mother who behaved like this and she is RIP.

[HeyJude]

I think counselling for yourself is the first port of call. You could then speak to your parents but as another poster said, prepare to be gaslighted or for some hurtful stuff to be said. You could also speak to your siblings. It seems that they have learned from your parents how to treat you and maybe a serious conversation will make them realise that...or it might not..but at least you will have your say.

I can actually understand that parents may fund 1 wedding but not another, purely down to their financial situation at the time, but I would also expect that they would say that.

It sounds horrible.

[SadSibling]

The recent wedding, with me being the only member of the family not included, was the last straw in some ways.

I do not want to boast, but my parents are well off and helped us all financially when we bought our homes. They have reminded us several times there should be a substantial inheritance when they die and the estate is to be split 3 ways, this is all in their wills. It seems that when it came to my wedding, my parents for whatever reason made an overt statement that there would be no financial contribution. Similar happened when one sibling wanted to do a master's degree. I was firmly told no, I was not getting money for a master's because they weren't paying for me to be an 'eternal student'. But somehow the sibling who asked, got what they wanted.

I know in my heart of hearts my mother has more in common with one sibling than me, and they have always been closer. But I thought as we got older things would shake out. I feel like I am grieving the family I thought I had and wanted, compared to what I have. I cannot raise any of this with them, I've always been labelled as 'overly emotional' so this would be another reason for them to have a good laugh at me. They're not all bad and we do have family occasions that I enjoy, but I find myself less and less inclined to be the host for these things or to engage with them beyond surface level banal chat, the kind you'd have with a distant relative.

Thanks for the replies, I feel very validated.

[Lady Madonna]

That sounds shit but in my limited experience of family members and friends weddings and other significant events financial contributions often came with strings attached and and an expectation that it gave the giver a certain level of control that would personally have made me uncomfortable if it was me so I hope you at least get to have some autonomy over your decisions.

I wouldn't spend too much time or effort continuing to please them. Suit yourself and the family you've created with your DH and leave them to it. Being the oldest and particularly a daughter can come with a lot of obligation in later years but I don't think anyone "owes" their parents care and/or attention unconditionally.

[CocoRose]

That is so frustrating. I know myself I would have to say it upfront about the wedding donations, I admire your restraint. It's just so blatant that kind of thing, is impossible for them to deny. It is worse nearly when the balance is subtle/hidden, I'd imagine but unfortunately, it sounds like you are dealing with that too.

I couldn't abide being consistently treated badly by my siblings as adults, I mean I was definitely on the receiving end of mean treatment/exclusion as a child/teen but we did also have good relationship around the hot spots. It should have been supervised/managed more in my view and I am super sensitive to it here now with my kids when they are fighting. So that element I don't think is uncommon but I get on well with siblings now, I would probably feel very differently if they didn't grow out of that behaviour. (I wasn't perfect myself either)

Do your siblings not notice this stuff? I mean, do you even joke about it... you are very patient I couldn't resist a dig or ten about the wedding imbalance

[tippexile]

I can empathise with you. I only have one sibling and I made a post here a few months back about how my mother is leaving the family home to him. It really hurt me as my brother never visits or does anything for my mother, I was always the first port of call if my mother needs help. My father is dead but in his will, everything was to be divided equally.
I have definitely gotten cooler towards my mother. I don't think I actually like her. Seeing how little she thinks of me and getting older has flicked a switch in me.
Years ago I would have been scared to stand up to her but not anymore.
I would agree with others re therapy for yourself.
You deserve to be able to have a happy life without feeling second best. I had CBT and it gave me more confidence in myself.
There is a thread here about narcissistic parents, it has a couple of links to articles etc that might be helpful.

[purple star]

Have you ever mentioned this disparity with the siblings? I wouldn't be able to hold it in. But you know I've 5 siblings and I've no idea what any of them got from my folks for their weddings so you know, maybe it did happen here, who knows.
At least you know that the will is three ways because that would probably be very difficult if it wasn't and the will was being read. So there's that.
For now if you can't say it to them just rise above it. Maybe they thought you wouldn't like a role in the wedding? I don't know what age you are but like for me at 48, I think being a maid of honour or bridesmaid now would be the worst thing, I'd hate it. Do you think this could be a factor?

[Rita]

It’s a tough one but perhaps some counselling would help.
I know we were treated differently by my parents, not purposely but the eldest would have gotten less than me the youngest. Just circumstances..they still had 4 more to rear and money was tight. But you say that wasn’t the case and they wouldn’t contribute for some reason ..it was a strange comment too from your sibling after. I assume they were serious ..I know I have a sibling that likes to rise us but he is also ultra generous so I have learned to ignore!

I can bet my 3 also have different views of my parenting. My youngest may be a bit spoiled compared to the others. Do I love them less..no ..but my parenting is more relaxed if that makes sense. Mind you she thinks i favour her brother. He thinks i favour her. My eldest thinks i am too soft…
That’s not belittling your relationships..but maybe your parents aren’t purposely doing it? And think you are just independent. Enjoy your family that you have now.Not sure if you have your own children but if you do focus on them , your dh and you xx

[mcmammy2]

The other posts are excellent so I have nothing much to add. I would say that your family's treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth as a person. If they have a problem with you or your behaviour then a decent parent or sibling would talk to you coming from a place of love. Their poor behaviour suggests a lack of emotional maturity on their behalf for whatever reason. I can understand your hurt their behaviour is hurtful. I hope you can see past their poor behaviour and know that it is not a reflection of you and that you are a likeable, lovable person who deserves to be treated as such.