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Lady Madonna wrote: ↑Sun Mar 24, 2024 9:37 am It sounds like he wants to make the holiday as awkward as possible just to make his presence felt whereas you'll be able to relax better without his presence. He'll probably still try to rock the boat between now and then but once you get there the distance between you will do you good. I hope all passports etc. are well in date and it might be no harm to move them to somewhere other than where you usually keep them just in case.

Great idea about hiding the passports. At this stage you need to be a few steps ahead and think the worst of what he might do to sabotage thing for you and the kids (and then find a way to blame you for it). He no doubt feels mortally wounded having to move into his parents house now, so will probably ramp up the shitty behaviour. Stay strong and keep posting. There are many who have been through it here who can support you, as they will have experienced the same patterns of childish, sulky behaviour, threats and foot stamping that your ex may do. But keep your focus on the peace you can have in your house as soon as he's out the door to go to his parents. If you can stretch to a takeaway or a few treats and movie night for yourself and the kids tonight it might help keep a nice calming atmosphere for you all.

As for the holiday, don't bring it up again. I wouldn't bother my backside trying to facilitate him joining you and no doubt spoiling it for everyone. He has said no, leave it at that. While you are away there wont be any real need to be in contact with him so take that time to enjoy the peace.

Keep communication via text/email as much as you can so you have proof if he is being nasty. You don't need to reply to every message he may send, especially if he is just trying to annoy you.

Hope today isn't too traumatic for you all Viola. Don't second guess yourself, and it's actually a good thing for you to let it all out. It will get better.

Well he is gone. I feel numb. I’m actually glad I posted last night and read back over things here. It would have been so easy to say no don’t leave but my god I never want to be with someone who doesn’t love me enough ever again.

Best of luck Viola, it's such a rollercoaster but it does get easier and your emotions will settle down. I highly recommend counselling if you can afford it.
My first holiday with just me and the kids was so fantastic, I'm sure yours will be too. I realised over time that it wasn't my job to maintain the relationship between DC and their Dad, I won't stand in the way of it but it's up to him to put the work in.
It can feel lonely especially in the early days but you'll get great support here.

Just to say would you be able to change the locks? I think you mentioned that he said he'd call over every day and you won't get any peace if he's still able to get in and out of the house.
You are doing great

Well done.
You will have a great holiday. it will be a real chance to switch off. I was in a similar situation to you. As well as securing the passports I'd send him an email saying as discussed we are going on hols and will be at X campsite as my ex tried to pull the whole "i didn't give permission for my children to go".
When I get off the ferry I pull into the carpark and just get my bearings and let the initial rush of cars go. You will be fine driving, after a few minutes it all becomes second nature.

Viola wrote: ↑Sun Mar 24, 2024 1:05 pm Well he is gone. I feel numb. I’m actually glad I posted last night and read back over things here. It would have been so easy to say no don’t leave but my god I never want to be with someone who doesn’t love me enough ever again.

And remember this every time you feel a wobble. It’s inevitable, things will get hard but you’ll be stronger than you ever thought you could be.

You have a whole new world ahead of you. Don’t let anyone dampen your spirit.
Having gone through it all and gotten great advice from others here - you will shine again.

Viola, do not doubt yourself. When he does the silent treatment he does it to inflict pain. Same when he does it to his children.

the Atlantic had a really good article on the silent treatment recently

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archi ... ps/677746/

Not sure if that is paywalled. but the first bit says:

Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment
It can ruin your relationships.

By Arthur C. Brooks

Life for a 19th-century sailor was hard: Months at sea were accompanied by constant danger and deprivation. To make matters worse, mariners saw the same few people all day, every day, in a radically confined space where they were expected to get along and look after one another. On a long voyage, one obnoxious person could make life utterly miserable for everyone.


So sailors used a tried technique to deal with an offender: the silent treatment. They would ignore him completely for weeks on end. That might sound like an innocuous action to you, but in truth, it was far from it. The silent treatment was, according to the writer Otis Ferguson in 1944, “a process so effective in the monotony of ship’s life as to make strong men weep.”

Of course, the silent treatment is a technique used not only by sailors. It can be encountered anytime, anywhere, from home to work. You have almost certainly experienced some form of it. Being subjected to the silent treatment is a lament I commonly hear from others, on whom it is imposed by romantic partners, parents, friends, colleagues.

Long-married couples will go for days without speaking. A person will give their oldest friend the cold shoulder. I knew a father who refused to speak with his daughter for 30 years. Silent-treatment inflictors do it because, as the sailors discovered, it was devastatingly effective in imposing pain on the recipient. So much pain, in fact, that it can leave a person scarred and a relationship in ruins.

Thank you for posting that Kensington, it resonates very much with how I feel. I never want that again or for my kids so go through it.

Vióla i have nothing much useful to add but wanted to say how much I admire you for dealing with this the way you are. Your children are so so lucky to have you.. The holiday will be the perfect opportunity for you to chill.. The kids will love the adventure of it. Wishing you all the very best. You really deserve it.