Marriage breakdown

[Viola]

Not much point going anon for this but would appreciate getting my thoughts out of my head. I actually can’t even tell the full story because it’s so off the walls but just a snippet or an overview I guess.
Sunday week ago my husband text me to end our marriage. We are married 13 years, together 18 years. I’m actually with him longer than I have been without him.
The week previous I had said something that he got thick about. I didn’t mean to hurt him or upset him, it was a comment about something we were going through, not intentionally said to hurt him at all. He slept on the couch that night.
Next morning he was cold so I was cold back, and I normally apologise and smooth things over but it was such an stupid thing he was annoyed with me over I said fuck that I’m not apologising right away. I was going to apologise but the more he ignored me I guess the more I ignored him. It’s his normal form to treat me with silent treatment, and honestly he has never apologised for anything in his life.

Roll on the following weekend, he is at a football match and he sends me a text breaking off our marriage. I clearly don’t love him if I can not speak to him for 8 days etc… that was the absolute final straw for me. He thought that little of me that instead of having a conversation with me he sends me a text. He has in the past spent weeks on end not talking to me over shite but when I actually show him what it feels like he breaks it off with me.

He has now realised what he has done and he is in bits. Didn’t give a shit any of the other times I have been in bits but now he knows what it feels like he is full of regrets.
But the problem is that he admitted he sent that message to guilt me into apologising etc, and it’s worked in the past so wanted it to work again.
I’m just so absolutely broken from being in a relationship with zero communication that I have completely given up. I’m far from perfect but every single issue has always been pinned on me, I have always papered over the cracks and apologised and moved on. Put up with being blamed for everything and I just can’t do it any more.

I have had counselling myself in the past and I have told him he needs counselling himself. I’m not willing to go to couples counselling when he won’t accept any blame or accept he is at any fault here, everything is still all my fault even now and he is unwilling to change unless I change but in my mind it’s him with the communication issues. I can’t do silent treatment, it almost killed me that one time but it’s his regular form.
We had previously had a row in November, again over shite, nothing major, but his threat then was if we ever have this row it’s over, so I’ve been walking on eggshells since then not to piss him off. But the threat of us being over has been an ongoing one for years.

I’m just exhausted and broken and life is just once again shit. Just feel like I can never actually catch a break.

[JennyC]

Ah crap Viola, I’m so sorry. I have absolutely no advice but just wanted to acknowledge your post as you were brave to post.

You don’t “break off” a marriage and certainly not by text. That sounds like he’s very immature. I hope you can find a happy outcome, whatever that means to you.


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[Apple]

Oh god that sounds exhausting. He sounds totally immature to be honest, it’s something like a teenager would be up to. So you actually think he would end the marriage? Do you want to? It sounds like he’s got a fright this time so if you have an interest in continuing could you talk him into counselling now? It sounds like he is in a bad habit of huffing and doesn’t really know how to communicate. If it is really just an issue of communication it could be helped I think.

You sound like you are over it though and I can’t say I blame you. Nobody should have to live like that depending on someone else’s mood. You wouldn’t want your child living like that.

[Cinquecento]

That was my first thought too. You don’t ‘break off’ a marriage. A mad text. Sounds very stressful. He seems very immature. Counselling would be a good option for him.

[kiko]

So now he knows what the silent treatment feels like, and he’s full of regret for the times he has done it to you? Do you believe him?

It sounds like you’ve had one hell of a toxic marriage. You shouldn’t be “walking on eggshells” around him. He sounds completely devoid of any empathy, and immature in his ability to communicate.

And for what it’s worth, the silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse. If you have children, I’d also be very concerned about their well-being and what they have been exposed to.

[Viola]

Yea the real shitty part is that he has done the silent treatment on the kids too. And I can’t stand for that. He did it to dd1 on holidays after she said something nasty (but fuck it wasn’t a lie it just was a hurtful truth) and to ds recently, I told ds to go and apologise to stop the silent treatment which was wrong of me but I didn’t want ds thinking it was ok to ignore his dad.

[Millie]

Viola, you always come across as so decent and such a good communicator; indeed I remember once feeling bullied and you really kindly PMed me to explain why the posts had escalated (due to another off the wall poster). You are a rock of sense and you and the kids shouldn’t have to live this way.

As another poster said, it sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t be surprised if your H comes back saying he’ll do anything to keep you. Boy he needs to change if he wants to stay because you sound like you’ve just had enough.

This is a good time to give yourself time to really think about what you want from the marriage or if you want it at all.

I wish you only the best for the next few months whatever you choose or wherever this new journey takes youXX

[Viola]

Yea the last 2 days he is begging me to change my mind, not because he has fucked but because he can’t stand the thoughts of living in a quiet house by himself. I’m trying to hard not to but back at those comments, it’ll be me on mh own when he has the kids… I’ve spent years on my own with the kids too when he chose to work abroad etc. I literally have chewed my tongue off at this stage trying to be the bigger person.

[fourarms]

So how are things at the moment? Are you in the same house? Are you communicating? I agree with the previous poster that now is the time to think about what it is that you want or don't want from this marriage and to lay your cards on the table. I can't deal with the silent treatment shite, it's so immature and I'd be thinking about what your kids are seeing - giving them the silent treatment would be the final straw for me I think .

[notonthefence]

Sorry to read this Viola. It really doesn't sound like a healthy way to live, walking on eggshells and placating him for years. Equally, it isn't the way you want your DC to live either I'm sure. I can't imagine how any parent would treat their child like that. It seems to be a form of controlling behaviour that, long term, would impact their mental health.
As for ending a marriage by text, it was such a cruel and disrespectful way to treat you. I have no advice to give you really as the onus really has to fall on him to change his behaviour.

[Viola]

In the same house still, haven’t got a spare room either so that’s awkward. We own another house in town 10 mins away and he has let the tenant know he might need to move in but again he text me to say he let her know in the hope I’d back down and change my mind.
We are communicating but still me being blamed for most things, I’m twisting things etc. he is going to counselling which he definitely needs irrespective of our marriage. As I said to him I’m not willing to go to couples counselling because he will just end up bashing and blaming me for everything and I just can’t sit through that, work away and make me out to be the awful one not backing down after him fucking up.

[jammymammy]

So sorry you’ve been going through this Viola. He sounds exhausting and so emotionally stunted. Breaking your marriage with a text. Wtf?
Hopefully recent events will bring about some positive changes so you don’t have to live with this shitty behaviour anymore, either my moving on without each other or by him modifying his behaviour.
I probably would go to couples counselling. Maybe I’m naive but I don’t think they’d let him blame you for everything, maybe it they’d hold a mirror up to his behaviour.

[mcmammy2]

Viola I feel for you. The silent treatment is used (whether intentionally or not) as a means of control. If he goes silent you will come repair. When that didn't work he seems to have escalated and it backfired. It's not the way emotionally healthy people behave. Damaged people damage people. This must have had a terrible impact on you and the kids and the never apologising. I think you right not to go to counselling with him if you think he will use it as grounds to further treat you poorly. Where you go from here depends on you. Spend time considering your wants and needs and what you get from the relationship. The ball seems to be very much in your court and if he is frankly gonna escalate an argument to the point of break up to win then he has a lot to learn. You come across as a strong smart kind woman and I hope all works out for you and your kids

[NDM]

That's sounds awful. Waking on eggshells, waiting for him to have a strop, blame you and then not talk to you. Then send a devastating text and think it's OK to say he didn't mean it.

Id let him move into the other house and get some space for yourself. Id get counselling and figure out what exactly you want.

He's used to getting his own way, so it's time he didn't. He wont like it.
You'll figure it out in time.

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[Apple]

I know you don’t want couples counselling but do you trust him to be honest in a counselling session if he is so adamant that everything is your fault? Maybe I don’t know enough about counselling but how is the counsellor supposed to know both sides?