Sibling relationships - need advice ?

[No1 babe]

Dd (16) broke down this evening and told me that she thinks we favour our 12 year old over her. We were married 5 years before she arrived, she was very much loved until her brother came along 4.5 years later.
I am absolutely devastated cause obviously we do not favour any child . He’s a very different personality to her, he’s outgoing , sporty , confident . She’s beautiful , smart , shy , musical , not sporty at all . He has an ability to engage with a room full of people whereas she would gladly hide away in corner hoping no one would speak to her .
She had a fall out with a friend group and last year and she’s gone from being happy go lucky to a sometimes happy girl . She has a totally different friend group now and school is going really well for her.
Last night he bugged her by climbing the stairs slowly - she told him to stop and he went slower and she lost it
Cause I didn’t intervene to tell him to stop . I am at
A loss as to what to do but as I said to her this evening he’s the only brother she has,it would be nice if she could be good to him. I am thinking along the lines of looking for family counseling to see if we could just have an outside opinion for suggestions for what to do .

[ainm2]

I think you've described pretty normal teenage and sibling behaviour. I would go the route of taking on board what she has told you, explain to her that you absolutely don't favour her brother and you are sad she feels that way. Look out for the type of things that trigger this and try to show her you are on her side. She is feeling insecure and low and she just needs to hear and feel that she is special too. She has probably noticed things where he is successful and she isn't, or even just little things that come with him being the youngest. Look for extra opportunities to praise her and make her feel like she has amazing unique qualities.
We've had a similar conversation with our DD and it is hard to hear it but the last thing she needs in that moment is to hear that she is an idiot for thinking it and that she should somehow do better.

[ainm2]

Also not to make you feel bad, but in your posts you mention a couple of things where your daughter is not good, but nothing at all about where your son is not good. I am not implying at all that you love her less in any way but it might be something she feels deeply that you've noticed she isn't sporty or isn't outgoing.

[Mammyd]

She wants to heard also. By not intervening and telling her to be nice to him it might feel like your “taking his side” and not being more supportive that the younger brother was being a pain unnecessarily.

Talk to them both and tell both to behave. I don’t think you need counselling

[No1 babe]

Also not to make you feel bad, but in your posts you mention a couple of things where your daughter is not good, but nothing at all about where your son is not good. I am not implying at all that you love her less in any way but it might be something she feels deeply that you've noticed she isn't sporty or isn't outgoing.

I didn’t mean to come across that way at all , I was just trying to demonstrate how polar opposite they are that’s all .

[Wispa]

Sounds perfectly normal. I think it would have been good to have told him to cop on and stop trying to annoy his sister not to tell her be nicer than him, it works both ways. I think she just wants acknowledgment that he’s not perfect and you can see he’s winding her up.

[Rita]

Teens sometimes like you to feel bad..now I don’t think purposely but the you favour the other one has been used here..by them all . Usually when they are in a humour. You feel devastated, but she probably isn’t that upset tonight. Or maybe she is feeling low but could be anyway. It must likely has very little to do with her brother.
I do think you can be more naturally drawn to one or have different interests. You probably still spend a good bit of time with your ds and less with your dd..which is natural.
Rather than trying to make them like each other you could look at your relationships with them. Do you do one on one things with your dd? Like the cinema or lunch?
If not make time for this. I don’t think family counselling is needed yet unless you are only telling a tiny bit of the events. It sounds like normal teenage siblings annoying each other.

[Kensington]

Last night he bugged her by climbing the stairs slowly - she told him to stop and he went slower and she lost it
Cause I didn’t intervene to tell him to stop . I am at A loss as to what to do but as I said to her this evening he’s the only brother she has,it would be nice if she could be good to him.

This really stood out to me. I think what she wanted you to do was intervene when he is being a bit of a pill and say "just move it - you are being annoying" and then when she did lose it she wanted you to say "yeah he can be a complete pain in the arse can't he?" She wanted proof that you are on her side. She really didn't want to be told be good to him because she is the older and she has probably been told all her life to be nice to him/mind him/don't be mean to him.

Sibling relationships are tricky - and people minimise their impact ime. My parents never really intervened when my sibling was having a go at me and it wasn't good for either of us. I think you need to honestly look at how you react to the two of them. I have no doubt at all that you love them both equally but children sometimes call out something in us. Your son's personality may really just sing to you (I can see this with my mother in law and one of her children).

So I'd say you should tell her she is the most important person in the world to you. She is a fabulous daughter and sister and yes her brother can be a pain in the ass sometimes but that's life - you'll try to make sure he isn't too bad. and by the way he has great things about him too.

[TCR]

I think they test us sometimes to prove we still love them.
Just reassure her. It’s a hard age really. Take every chance you can to let her know how brilliant you think she is.
And occasionally tell your Ds to cop on! They seem to love that!

[No1 babe]

I love this site - it’s my go-to when I need any sort of advice . Thank you all x

[Tobo]

Not to make little of the situation, but I think this happens in most households at one time or another.
According to my 20yo we bring the younger two to more places than we did with her....her forgetting I had to bring her to multiple feis every other weekend that included hotels, the eldest says the youngest gets away with more than him, the second youngest tells me that the older one got away with more.....

And now the dog is loved more than any of them apparently.....

I try to ignore rather than intervene, because I'm always going to be wrong. It doesn't happen often tbf but in the event of a he said, she said, he did, she did, I tell them all to ignore each other, not talk to each other, avoid each other, and it diffuses itself.

[CocoRose]

It is regularly said here with four kids two of them in particular at eachother's necks constantly and cite instances of favourtism at any opportunity, and I honestly cannot say that I am fully fair in this respect all the time that would be impossible but I try. It is all depending on the emotional weather in the house, I can lose sight of the bigger picture and be unfair and hope I acknowledge it after. We also have one child who demands more attention and who it is difficult to discipline and it is unavoidable that they will see him being treated differently. I do aim to be fair with my children more often than not and that is all we can do. I am prepared to listen and try harder. That's worth saying to your daughter, let her feel heard and see an improvement even if you don't think there's a big issue yourself.

Now, one DS is very unfair to a sibling and the best way I feel to deal with that over the years is high supervision and more separation and I try not to tell them how to feel about each other. We are currently meeting a psychologist with the older guy at the moment and this came up last week, I raised it that DS seeks out conflict in particular with this sibling. The pyschologist did a 360 on it looking at it from each perspective. We all have goals now around it but it's mainly for DS. Poor younger fella would love a good relationship with him, it's hard going.

[CocoRose]

On a lighter note there was a running joke/theory for years in our house that my younger brother must have been dropped on his head or something as a baby as my parents always took his side and he got away with murder!

[Groucho]

I have 3 boys. They get on well, usually, but DS2 can drive DS3 bonkers very easily, so I have to sit on it. I try to distinguish between being horrible/personal, and just general run of the mill brother annoying brother - I target the former more than the latter. DS3 has a very short fuse, so I'm trying to work with him to not let people (his brother) get under his skin so easily, and so quickly, which I think is important too, as he can't go through life losing his rag at the slightest provocation.

Also on a lighter note, we were laughing the other day about something the 2 older boys used to say to DS3 when he was younger to drive him bananas - "You have 3 willies on your head". He would flip the lid and charge after them, and I'd be there trying to be the voice of reason - "But look, DO you have 3 willies on your head? No, you don't. Nobody has 3 willies on their head" Etc. The type of insane conversation that nobody without kids ever has to have

Sigh. They say this is all character forming, but my GOD it can be wearing.

[Elsie]

and not to make light of it as its so frustrating at the time but just so you know 16 -21 ish... absolute killer age for teenagers.... they live in their own bubble where its all about them and will moan if its not. it happens to everyone and of course a 12 year old is annoying her.... thats a little brothers job!!!
honestly i told my mum i now know where her expression of I'll knock your heads together came from as i used it myself!!! mine hated each other for a while, like two feral cats!!!!

so plough on but do remember its the praise that they notice! i also found that bringing them out separately worked wonders. i might collect one from school and go for a mooch about the shops or a coffee - just coz! it worked well in this house.