Feeling lost - relationships

[Sad]

Hi. Regular going anon. I do have a long history of depression but I am managing it well and have received treatment in the past. I am 51. Married, 3 grown up children. On the positive, my relationship with them is great. My dh up and down but let's say it is ok . My issue is friendships. I have two very close friends who live abroad. I see them only maybe once or twice a year. Locally, I find I struggle. I have 3 great friends who I met 20 years ago when our kids started school but that is about it. Maybe that is enough?? I just feel I am missing out on a lot. I am a member of a book club and swimming group and we meet about once every six weeks but I am not close to any of them really. I only have one brother who lives in Australia and we never see each other. Both my parents died many years ago so I guess that makes me feel a little rudderless.....does anyone else feel like this??? thanks for listening. I know this time of year doesn't help

[Elsie]

Id say you have just the right amount of friendships and more than enough going on. Probably this time of year making you think more about it all. Maybe you could up the visits to your friends now that you dont have responsibility of kids needing you. if you dont work, maybe you could volunteer somewhere to keep you busy and if you do work, try tag along to a few nights out or suggest some and try something new a little out of your comfort zone. Maybe a play at a theatre or something else.
I know i do have to do what i am grateful for sometimes to see how lucky we really are. Sometimes looking at SM can actually be detrimental to us as we thought we were happy but then see all these people doing loads of stuff .... but we dont see the other side of the camera and what they arent showing us! They are still coping with kids, doing housework etc and living a very normal life behind the camera.
hope you get the gist of what Im saying and i think you are doing ok. Just get these flippin january blues out of the way hey!

[Joanne12]

I think you need to figure out what exactly it is that you are looking for. Is it definitely friendships that is the issue? To me it sounds like you have a good number of friends but maybe what you are looking for is more frequent social activities/outlets? Or alternatively is it someone who might be more of a soul mate to share more private/personal thoughts etc Your comment re your DH is something that I think might also be worthy of more consideration. Is there something lacking there? When you say you feel rudderless, is this about your direction in life? Are you unsure of what you want to do with your future?

It might be worth teasing all of the above points out with yourself to try and figure out what exactly you feel you are missing out on. Only then can you figure out how to improve the situation.

[HeyJude]

I think that is a good amount of friends and what most people would have. Is there something else going on?

[Sad]

Thank you everyone. I work from home so that definitely leaves me somewhat isolated. I used to always enjoy my own company, however, the past year, not so much. A big issue for me, I think is, a few years ago, I had a very close bunch of friends. However, something really horrible happened between two of the ladies in that group. One did something particularly horrible to one and I pulled away from all of them completely as I really did not want to be around it. Now, lately, I feel I regret it but too late now. Menopause certainly does not help as I am sure most of you can relate to . A lot of time, I feel quite "maudling" (only word I can use to describe it at the moment). I am blessed with the friends I have. I do think I am missing a "soul mate". My DH is great but feel I am missing a "best friend" (which sounds quite pathetic at my stage of life lol) thanks for reading.

[DazedandConfused]

Sounds like you have a decent number of friendships plus your adult children but maybe are lacking a deep connection? Are you able to talk to your DH? Is it that close relationship thats lacking?


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[Vino]

Any chance you could work from your office a certain number of days? I find the social aspect of work really helps me. I didn't realise how much I benefited until I was off ill for an extended period.
Focus on the friendships you have and any loose connections too. Kids growing up leaves a void of time to fill and it's hard to adjust.
Even if you arrange one extra night out/trip away a year with your husband, children and different friends it doesn't be long turning a boring social life into a fairly filled one.
I decided last year to stop automatically saying no to things. I accept most invites even if I'm not sure it's something I'll enjoy. To date I've been pleasantly surprised to find I've had fun at everything. I also find the more I see of people I like the stronger our friendship becomes and the more we stay in regular contact by phone or text.

[Grasscutter]

Sounds like you’ve more friendships than I have and a better social life.
But I have good family relationships so it probably balances out.
I’ve no doubt you’ve been impacted by the tsunami of advertising that pretends the whole world is throwing and attending big parties over the Christmas season. I think this stuff impacts us subliminally even if we don’t notice.
Focus on what you have and don’t worry about what you don’t have. Human relationships are difficult- a few gore at ones definitely trumps a lot of good ones.

[CLBG]

What I'm picking up is that you're missing a connection with someone - a person/people to really talk to. Not sure if that's right. I don't have any close friends tbh (or even friends!) and have been working on that, but getting no-where. I live rurally and feel quite isolated and lonely at times. My family are my friends right now. I'd love a person to really connect with.

Maybe the two really close friends are people you could connect with more, even though you're apart. Maybe you could do regular video calls, once a month, or once a week.. when you're out for a walk, or having a glass of wine. It's not the same as seeing someone in person, but it might help. Of the 3 great local friends, is there any of them that you would feel more close to? Could you develop that? Or are these friendships more superficial?

I think you're doing really well from a friendship point of view if you have that number, but sometimes it's about quality not quantity.

[Rita]

Would you make time to meet the friends locally more often?
I know myself I am tired and don’t make the effort..but when I do it is great to chat. We might walk or go for a coffee. If a friend suggests coffee or meeting I try to say yes .

I don’t have my parents and at Christmas I know seeing all these big family meet-ups can make me feel a bit left out. As my siblings are busy too with in-laws. Which is understandable.