Daughter's drinking

[Worried mum]

This is a tough one to post. I'm a member here since the beginning but I'm going anon for this, as much to protect my daughter's anonymity as my own. My daughter is almost 30 and lives abroad. I have suspected for quite a while that she has a fairly serious problem with alcohol. Her dad and siblings also feel the same. It's hard to describe how exactly her behaviour is problematic, she doesn't get aggressive or nasty but she gets messy. If anything she gets more affable and affectionate when she's drunk. We had a family wedding this year and she got very drunk, even though everyone was pretty drunk it was still more noticeable with her iykwim. On Christmas day we were all having a drink but no one really did the dog on it so when she kept drinking long after the rest of us had our fill it became really obvious. Once she starts she can't seem to stop. I feel so lost watching her, on the surface she seems to have a happy life. She has a good job and was recently promoted but she's never really had a relationship. She seems emotionally stuck at late teens and I find myself on edge with her when she's home. I hate to admit it but at times I feel ashamed of her when she's drunk. I hate that I don't look forward to her coming home any more but I know I'll be lonely after her when she goes back. I'm not sure what I'm looking for posting here but it helps to just get it all out.

[Mrs chic]

Bumping as I’m only online now to approve this.

[Milo]

Awe this is a really difficult one.. Moreso when she is living away. It's a hard conversation to have with her, with the risk of her not taking it very well.

I hope Someone else will have something more useful to bring to help you.


I'm sorry you are going through this. It's such a worry.

[Busybee]

I think the only thing you can do is talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Unless she thinks she has a problem no one or anything will change it:
It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s a problem, she needs to acknowledge it is
I would strongly recommend reaching out to a support group: I’ve found them very helpful whilst going through the same thing with a family member xxx

[Mrs chic]

It reads as such a heartbreak for you and family. She seems lost and lonely. My heart goes out to you.

Can you contact AA for their support and advice on what you can do to help ?
Is she close to any relative/ cousin? Could they broach it with her out of concern?

[Nodrog]

As a first step I would contact AA.
It's difficult as she lives abroad.

Does she have a better relationship with you, your DH or a sibling? I would arrange for whoever that is to have a face to face conversation with her. Not an intervention, just an open chat.

I thought I hid my drinking well. When I became sober and admitted I was an alcoholic my mother told me that she had suspected but never said anything to me, and I wished she had. Although I'm not sure it would have made any difference but who knows.
Wishing you the very best.

[tippexile]

Like Nodrog and Busybee have said, she has to be the one who acknowledges that she has a problem.
Nobody likes the thought of saying to someone that you think they have a problem and I don't envy you having that chat. She will probably get upset but maybe she might realise that if you are saying it, she does actually have a problem.
My friend got dependent on alcohol in social situation as she felt she needed the confidence it gave her. It can easily happen.
Like others said, contact Al Anon as they help families and friends of those who have alcohol issues, they might give you ideas on how to approach your daughter about it.
All the best as I know it must be so hard for you.

[Worried mum]

Thanks all, she went home today and all I feel is flat. Dh and I have decided that I should visit her by myself in the new year and try and open the conversation with her. She did admit to a problem a few years ago and seemed to make an effort for a while but it's definitely got worse again the past few years. I have past experience with alanon for another family member years ago so I know they are good, I know I need to get back there again. Somehow it feels so much harder when its my child, I feel guilty and ashamed and embarrassed and so, so sad. Thanks for the replies...I know that no one can solve this until she seeks help but it helps to actually say it. I think I've been in denial for a long time about it. I'm not looking forward to having the conversation with her but it needs to happen.

[LucyS]

Worried mum, one thing that struck me above is that you say your DD1 seems emotionally stuck at late teens and that she is more affable and affectionate when drunk. Young women can be very adept at masking asd and alcohol can be a coping mechanism for the anxiety experienced in social situations.

[lucanlily]

No need to be guikty, embarrassed or ashamed. It's in every family and your DD is an adult. Hope you will get it sorted. She is lucky to have a family who cares for her.

[Worried mum]

Worried mum, one thing that struck me above is that you say your DD1 seems emotionally stuck at late teens and that she is more affable and affectionate when drunk. Young women can be very adept at masking asd and alcohol can be a coping mechanism for the anxiety experienced in social situations.

It's funny you say that as she has recently said she suspects that she is on the ASD spectrum. It was never flagged when she was in school but as you say girls and women often mask symptoms.

[Groucho]

You poor thing, that is a tough situation. It is good that she has previously spoken about her drinking, and also her suspicion about undiagnosed ASD. It means you're not starting from scratch with this conversation. The best of luck with it.

[Aisling28]

Al -anon might have some advice, they are for family and friends of problem drinkers. I would go to her to talk about it . It would let her know how serious a problem you think it is and make her think. I had a family member with a drink problem. Other relatives would say stuff like sure he just likes a few drinks or he's just having the craic. This validated his own opinion that he didn't have a problem with drink. He needed to be told it was a problem.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

you poor thing but you do need to have the conversation. Contac al-anon. I found them very helpful in the past

[CocoRose]

It's a hard conversation to have but as her Mum you need to do it. There's so much help out there these days and good stories, if she had some sort of a psychological evaluation around her drinking it could throw up lots of other types of support too. It is hard to watch when it is your daughter but remember it can effect anyone, it's a drug.