Teenage girl advice

[WorriedMam]

I've been trying to reply but I don't know why my posts aren't being posted.

I just want to say Thank You to everyone who made the effort to reply. I'm sorry some of you have had similar situations.

Since I last posted there has been no more sign of vomit. Now I don't know if its because she isn't doing it or if it's because she knows I'm on to her and she's clearing up any mess a bit better.

So we got her school report and grades have definitely slipped which is worrying to say the least. Probably her worst grades to date, for her anyway. Its PT meeting this week so I'll see if any teachers have noticed a change in her.

She was VERY down at the weekend, her friends off shopping and her looking at their Snapchats. I honestly don't know what to do about her friend situations, her sitting at home alone almost all the time absolutely has me heartbroken. She used to be out all the time. Now it's only if it's someone's birthday or for any other special occasion.

[RDR]

It is definitely worth talking to your GP about the possibility of an eating disorder. It is a common control mechanism used by girls and it will affect her energy, her mood, her school work and her weight and you've indicated there are issues with all of these as well as the vomiting you're aware of. It is also common that girls with an eating disorder will avoid social outings if there's likely to be food involved because it is awkward to avoid questions from friends. It may be worth contacting BodyWhys who work specifically in this area.

Like others have said, 2nd/3rd year can be tough for girls and it is also really common for friends from primary to outgrow their friendships. You haven't said if your dd makes suggestions that the others turn down so maybe there is a friendship but she is taking a back seat? Or maybe the friendships really aren't great friendships at all.
(This is obviously all guesswork and possibilities so I could be completely off). I've also seen other factors at this age where some of the girls are getting into stuff that is not of interest/worrying to others and it causes breakdown in the group (everything from boys, drinking, different interests in sports/discos/make-up etc) It would be worth knowing does your dd still feel she has things in common with these girls? Are they "her people"? You Don't Understand Me: The Young Woman's Guide to Life by Tara Porter is worth a read on this (worth a read generally). Talk to her and see if you can find out if she'll talk to you or would prefer to talk to a counsellor. It sounds like on top of the vomiting issue she needs some guidance about friendships and to think about what these girls bring to her life and what else she needs that they are not contributing. No 14 year old ever believes it but there are others out there, other kids they don't know and while this is tough, it absolutely gets better and there are things she can do to make it better. There's more to life than just these girls iykwim.

On your question about the parents of these other girls I would say no, do not contact them. You could make it worse for your child by making these girls feel put upon and criticised. They're not doing anything wrong. There's nothing that says that friendship groups have to stay stable or that girls stay with the same interests etc. Part of the teen years is having to navigate more complex relationships and while you can be there for your dd as a sounding board and a safety net it is not (imho) appropriate for you to try to manage friendships or relationships. If they are a school friend group that doesn't extend beyond school that is still of value and I would be very very wary of damaging that in any way.

Once I had a sense of where things are at (or maybe before) I would contact the school and see how she is on a day to day basis there and whether they can add to the picture you have.

[callso]

Didn't want to read and not reply - your post reminds me of how anxious I was this time last year about DD. Lots of parallels and lots of differences in the stories - but the worry is the same.
One thing that proved useful in the end here - lots of talking to DD about the meaning of friendship. She had a small number of proper friends and then a wide circle of "friends" who were more about competition and making her feel bad than anything positive.
She has pulled back from lots of those relationships and seems to have got better at making choices about who her friends are - that's definitely helped a heap here.
I truly hope your DD gets into a better situation soon - poor kid. It's such a tough time for them.

[Mammyd]

Ive read and like others can't ignore.
I hate teenage years for kids. Ive 4 girls and 2 mid teens.

I wonder was the vomitting an isolated time of pure anxious/worry about the friends? When's she just felt sick... and now that's maybe passing?

I would encourage her to put the phone away on weekends when she's not with them. If possible keep her busy at weekends and take her out somewhere and leave the phone at home.
Will she try any new groups/activies that she has an interest in?

I found with my own girls, they are at that age starting to realise who the like/don't like or more so less in common with and there is always a change in friendships, many of other mams I've spoken too felt the same with their older teens.

Chat to her and remind her to keep her self open to new opportunities with new friend groups.
While its easy to say - I know - this time will hopefully pass for her and remember she's not the only one, the friends groups are changing all the time and she might connect with someone in a similar position to herself. With feeling low and getting the offer from someone to do something she will most likely jump at the chance to connect with a new pal. Winter time is a bad time of year too with dark nights etc

[Worriedmam]

I'm hoping this gets approved to post as I tried before but my post didn't show up.

Anyway, it turns out the episodes of vomiting were due to anxiety and not an ED. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I don't know if its completely stopped or if she has gotten better at hiding it and cleaning up after herself.

I'm still extremely worried about her as her social life hasn't been any better. She'd only see friends at school or at after school activities or rarely when there is a birthday party on. So last night she told us she has been scared at night. Thinks someone is in her wardrobe or hiding under her bed. She knows this is a ridiculous idea but when it's the dead of night, when it's pitch dark and the house is silent she can't help the thoughts. Is it not unusual for a 14 year old to start having symptoms like this? Like shes terrified and its affecting her sleep and in turn her school work. I'm at a loss of what to do. She's refusing to go to the GP to speak to someone.

[molls]

It sounds like her anxiety has really ramped up. It is a pity she doesn't want to go to the GP. Would she be more open to chatting to a counsellor, maybe someone from Jigsaw or a similar organisation?

She really does need to get professional help. My DD has benefitted hugely from sessions with a psychologist that helped her build strategies to cope, and an anti-anxiety medication.

[ainm2]

I would call jigsaw - they have a waiting list of a few months so by the time they reach her she may be ready for it. They also have an online chat thing that she can do in the meantime, where she chats with a counsellor online. It might help her get some of her thoughts out and get a friendly ear to listen, without actually having to meet someone in person.

[Carmella]

I would definitely talk to the GP, go yourself first and tell them what’s going on and then go with your daughter. Just tell her it’s a check up and you want her to talk to the GP about the anxiety.

If you are lucky enough to have a good Gp then they will be able to talk to her as they have seen all this before. All the very best x

[CocoRose]

Yes they sound like intrusive thoughts if they are interfering with her daily life. The sooner she gets some tools to manage it the better, maybe just tell her lots of people can get caught up in anxious thought loops and there's people who can give tips on it. Keep it casual.

[Millie]

I have the name of a really good, experienced Dublin based consellor. She really helped my DD.

I had terrible panic attacks nightly at that age. What cured me was an amazing chat with a family friend (along with a packet of Maltesers). It was hell though. I hope your DD feels better soonX

[Darva]

Having a child with mental health issues is very difficult for a parent.
It is especially hard when the child isn’t willing:able to help themselves.

I think your DD really does need professional help.

If she won’t see the GP I think you should. Maybe the GP could do a referral without seeing her.
Also if the GP could give you a better understanding of what could be going on and what support might be available to your DD.
IF your DD knows what tools are available she might be willing to try some things herself or if she knows what might happen next she might be willing to see a GP or a counsellor.


The social issues might be a symptom of other issues at this stage. If she has anxiety/ ED/ other mental health issues she might struggle in social situations and with friendship.

[Mrs chic]

Just wrote a long message and it disappeared

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/hand-acu ... =share_via

[Mrs chic]

Try the finger acupressure. Hold each finger snugly wrapping other hand fingers around it. Think of the emotions concerned and wait for pulse to be felt in the finger.
Move to the next finger.

[honeybell]

I agree with Darva's suggestion of asking GP to refer her without seeing her ( I assume to CAHMS because of her age). Without wanting to sound like a broken record the change in my daughter in less than a year has been unbelievable, she's a happy person again. If the GP needs to see her you might tell your DD that she doesn't have to talk much in the doc appointments she just has to turn up and you can talk for her. They are used to that. Write loads of notes about her problems and give them a copy.

Loads of teens see psychiatrists now. There's less stigma.

I agree also that many of her social problems could stem from overall anxiety. Getting professional help could give her her life back. But you need the referral started because it will takes ages to be seen.

[WorriedMam]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I'll chat to my dh later today and decide what to do going forward. I do agree though that she needs to talk to someone.

This nighttime thing is relatively new though so I definitely think it's stemming from the friendship situation. She was always sociable and it's really just since the summer it's changed. Her group of friends don't always ask her out and some have made other friend groups. A few years ago dd made friends with a girl in her estate, one of her original friends made them fall out. I heard some of what was going on. She wanted dd for herself, even though dd included everyone in everything. Now that girl has made friends with a girl in her estate and doesn't include dd.
Dd was always the one to glue everyone together. If any of them were being bitchy and trying to leave another girl out, dd wouldn't stand for it. Now it's her being abandoned and not one of them fights for her. It's heartbreaking to see her face fall when she knows some of them have plans that don't include her.

I also remember last year they were trying to organise a party, for no reason really. They asked dd to host it here. Only it was June and one of my kids was in middle of LC so I said no. One said well my mam said No as they're going out, X can't host as her Dad won't allow it, Y can't host as her Mam is unwell, Z can't host as her Dad is having a party himself and W can't host as her sis doing LC. DD said but I've a sibling doing LC too. The friend said but yes, your sibling isn't as clever so who cares if they pass or not and if you don't host you can't come if we have it elsewhere.

I just wish she'd strike up other friendships in school. Maybe that'll happen in TY.