Teenage girl advice

[WorriedMam]

I'm not usually one to ask advice when it comes to my dd. My boys are usually the ones causing me concern.
So dd is 14 and in 3rd year. She's friends with the same 3 girls from primary. She's never really been one to expand away from that small circle, even though the rest have. And so that means She's sitting at home alone a lot of weekends (not every weekend though) as I know she's not asked out all the time. She tries to hide her disappointment and covers it up to say she's busy with homework that's why she's not out.

When they were in maybe 5th or 6th class 2 of them would sometimes arrange to meet up with dd and leave out the 4th girl out. I put my foot down if this happened that nobody should be left out and made dd ask whoever was left out. Well that's came around to bite me on the bum.

So this weekend will be the same again. Apart from.her activities she won't see anyone. One friend is busy with family so that's fine, the other 2 have arranged to go a shopping trip and blatantly told her. I was there. Dd face just dropped and she went silent. I'm so upset for her, she's extremely quiet and wouldn't ever ask could she go and nor would she tell me. I know her though and know she's disappointed. I understand that these girls can do what they want that it's of no business of dd and she has no right to go or be asked. Its just that she's such a nice child and always has been. We haven't ever had to deal with big fallouts throughout primary, or bullying and she's a super academic student. So this worry is a kick to the stomach.
So the big thing is and I don't know how to approach this is that dh and I reckon she's making herself vomit as a coping mechanism. She's like a rake and I've seen vomit in the toilet and so has dh.
We have had a lot going on in family life lately so this has just broken me. I've had friends texting me concerned that I've gone quiet and I just don't know if I can open up because I'm so fragile at the moment so I've ignored all messages.

Please don't quote as I may delete. I needed to write this down to get it out of my head.

[Rita]

That’s so worrying for you. I think you need to get professional advice, would you speak to the gp? A friend got help from bodywhys and found them helpful.

You have to tell your dh, not sure why you are afraid? Is it that then it becomes more real?

Your dd needs help and you need support.

The friends don’t sound like real friends, and it is awful to be left out.

[Kensington]

It is so hard at this age. We've been through it. I'm glad I am out the other side of it.


I think you need to get professional help here. the vomiting is physically dangerous and you just can't ignore it. at the very least you have to bring it out into the open and tell your daughter that you know what she is doing. Also, you are seeing the vomiting as a stress reliever for the friend issue but there might be something else going on too - when you do talk to her I'd suggest you don't tell her that you think she is stressed because of the friends but just ask her and stay open to the idea there could be more than one thing getting to her. good luck.

[Viola]

Oh you poor thing and your poor dd. I’m so sorry that she is struggling so much.

I’m no expert and I haven’t posted this before but my own dd at 13 took an over dose last Christmas due to extreme stress in school and friendship issues/all girls school/not fitting in… It was her just screaming for help and she had read the leaflet to see the max she could take etc. it was a cry for help and your dd is doing the same without telling you.
We obviously had to take dd to a&e and she was referred urgently to CAMHS. I know some people haven’t had good experiences with CAMHS so maybe we just got lucky but they were absolutely fantastic with dd (and with both myself and dh as we were in bits).
We had dd in CBT privately before that and had been to the gp but the registrar and physiologist in CAMHS were brilliant..

If I were you I would go to the gp with your concerns and ask for a referral either to CAMHS or privately.
I’d also speak to the school, I’m sorry I didn’t and dd has now moved schools. They need to be aware of the issues going on with the friends in school that she might not be telling you about.

Dd was starting to slip back into feeling really low again and told us she was moving schools. She moved this week and the difference in her since getting out of the toxic school environment is just night & day.

Can I also suggest if you have an employee’s assistance programme with any counselling for yourself you should avail of it. The mental toll of this is very difficult and having someone for you to talk to can ease is slightly.

[mcmammy2]

Op I'm so sorry that sounds very worrying. Other posters have given great advice. Your poor DD. I hope all works out for you all.

[WorriedMam]

Thanks for all the replies.

Rita, sorry was writing too quickly so may have written it the wrong way but dh does already know. He's seen the vomit himself. I'm afraid to approach it with dd.

Kensington, thanks. I know the friendship stuff is tough and complicated between girls. Boys can be so much easier in that way. You're right though that I'm assuming that's why she's vomiting and it could be because of something else. I'm not sure what though and I hope to god its not because of a weight problem/issue.

Viola, I'm so so sorry to hear your dd has had such a rough time. What a worry for you. Its brilliant to hear that CAHMS were good for her and for you! So happy to hear she's in a new school and is now happy.

I have to say though that when she does do things with her friends she's happy. I just know she's here a lot on her own and she will say they're busy and out with other friends or whatever. I just wish she'd make a new group of friends , maybe that'll happen in TY.

[Shining]

So sorry to read this, for your Dd and you. Please seek help, even a call to your gp

[HeyJude]

Nothing else to add but to also say to call your GP and also call the school.

[Solas]

Something similar happened to my dd1 when she was in 2nd yr ... it was horrible, it got to the point that I'd be collecting her from school and as we'd pull out of the school gates she'd be getting snaps of the other girls all together having been told that they were all unavailable to hang out ... sheer torture ... I really regret not talking to her year head about it, she is amazing and really approachable and in hindsight would have been a great support, but I just kept hoping that if she kept her head down and tried not to let them see how hurt she was that it would all be ok which was really stupid of me ... In the end she linked in with another group and that really helped ...

Viola I really hope this move helps your daughter, it's such a worry ...

[december]

I don’t have much advice but wanted to share our experience with CAMHs. My dd is 14, almost 15. She is also in 3rd year.
She sounds quite like your daughter in that she has a few close friends from primary and a couple from our estate. She doesn’t make friends easily.

Summer of 2022 we were at the beach, in the sea. And I noticed cut marks on dds thighs. She had been using self harming to cope with anxiety. I was shocked but at least it was out in the open. We went to our GP who was great and said quickest way is to bring her to temple street A&E to be seen by psychiatrist there. We were there all day. But they referred her to CAMHs. It took months before we were called (about 6 months). I tried to get private appointments but it was very difficult to find the right help.

Anyway we say the psychiatrist in CAMHSs about 6 months, he boasted how he had cut the waiting times. But was pushing to discharge her without any real help (he sent us off for her to be checked for PCOS which GP said had no relevance as this age).he Said she should go to jigsaw as she has anxiety disorder and we had helped her stop self harming by then. I refused for her to be discharged and about 6 months later we finally got regular 1-1 time with a brilliant counsellor who helps with very practical work and exercises for anxiety and dealing with situations.

For my daughter she felt relieved that we knew her secret, she still suffers with anxiety but is open with us

[Viola]

December thats the tool dd learned too, she still can feel down and anxious but instead of hiding it and having massive meltdowns she now talks to us and tells us what’s going on and how she is feeling.
It’s such a difficult age, throw in hormones on top of everything as well!

[Avymoo]

Could have written your post word for word! So similar to what my DD 1went through (she is now in 5th year and dd2 in 2nd year is now experiencing it. Both are shy / quiet / nice girls and seem to hang around way more confident girls and let them direct what's going on.
Will post more tomorrow

[honeybell]

Second and third year seem to bring so many problems for girls. We've certainly been through it in this house. I will try to give a longer reply later but for now I would also say, if your daughter needs anti anxiety meds for a while don't worry too much. I hated the idea of mine on medicine but after very difficult years of trying everything else she went on them and it's given her and me a normal life again. Rising above the anxiety gave her confidence to try new things and make new friends and need me a lot less. Also moving school was a winner.

[WorriedMam]

Thanks all. I've been snowed under with work so only getting a chance to reply now.
I'm going to have a chat with her over the weekend. She came in from school and I could tell she was in a low mood, I'd say knowing shes on her own and everyone else has plans. Dh asked is she meeting friends and again she said no because she has too much school work to do.

She was exhausted after school and went for a nap, had to wake her up to go to training. This just is not like her. She's usually buzzing to go training and knowing it's the weekend.

Would you mention anything to any parents of her friends or just let it be?

[WorriedMam]

I've been trying to reply but I don't know why my posts aren't being posted.

I just want to say Thank You to everyone who made the effort to reply. I'm sorry some of you have had similar situations.

Since I last posted there has been no more sign of vomit. Now I don't know if its because she isn't doing it or if it's because she knows I'm on to her and she's clearing up any mess a bit better.

So we got her school report and grades have definitely slipped which is worrying to say the least. Probably her worst grades to date, for her anyway. Its PT meeting this week so I'll see if any teachers have noticed a change in her.

She was VERY down at the weekend, her friends off shopping and her looking at their Snapchats. I honestly don't know what to do about her friend situations, her sitting at home alone almost all the time absolutely has me heartbroken. She used to be out all the time. Now it's only if it's someone's birthday or for any other special occasion.