Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman

[Nodrog]

Both are consenting adults and doing nothing illegal but I have to admit I feel a bit ick about a 20 year age gap (regardless of it being the man/woman that's older).

I wouldn't be happy with my own son being in a relationship with someone 20 years older than them.

[Namaste]

On one hand, dead jealous
But I suppose long term, and guessing you don’t want to have more kids that’s a big decision.

[Apple]

Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.

[Age gap]

A lot to think about and I suppose nothing that I hadn't considered myself about sacrifices, my children, the ick factor, how I'd feel if it it was my son etc. I think though that I've realised my own immediate concern is work. As I've pondered the replies, while I agree that its none of their business, i think that if we're to continue seeing each other I'm leaning towards the feeling that the right thing to do is declare it to my boss. Obviously he would need to agree to that so I need to let him know where my head is at and see where we go from there.
I feel extremely lucky to have this safe place to come to for advice and I feel like i have a little more clarity in my thoughts than when I posted yesterday so thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply.

[Cinquecento]

Workplace relationships are not necessarily a no-no so long as people are open and declare any possible conflict of interest, especially if there is a power differential which you indicate there is,
Not sure if you have declared it in work, if not and you’ve been involved for a while it’s time to consider doing so. The difficulties arise when it’s “found out” and it appears to be hidden .

I met DH at work, and my boss knew pretty immediately. But,i did change companies about 6 months later both for career reasons but also to get away from the conflict of interest situation. And that was in a large MNC with about 500 ees at that particular site.
If you and this guy are going to continue with the relationship , and it’s a smaller family run business, you might need to start talking about this topic ie will one of you move jobs, or how to discuss it at work.

On the personal side, it’s really down to you and your guy what to do. Like others, I’d be very concerned about DS in his 20’s entering long term relationship with a woman in their 40’s, as the topic of kids is a huge one. I think there are very many guys in their 20’s who would say kids don’t matter, but who have/would change their mind in mid/late 30’s or into their 40’s.

I wouldn’t think too much about it if it were not my family, ie just randomers on street or neighbours. But for my own son, I would be concerned.
That’s all I could be though, concerned. Because at the end of the day, if a guy is mid 20’s, it’s his life, he is free to be with who he wants.

They are not obliged to ‘declare’ it at work. How bizarre. It’s none of anyone else’s business. And what conflict of interest? She is not his boss. Or his teacher.

[Sally]

I didn’t say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldn’t know what the situation is in her place.

But, she indicates in her post that as she’s in a more senior position she anticipates some “fall out” in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be “found out”, and she would then be on the back foot.

And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.

21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasn’t in the same place and didn’t have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadn’t informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.

It’s not as easy in such environments to say “it’s no one else’s business”.

[Cinquecento]

[b[/b]

I didn’t say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldn’t know what the situation is in her place.

But, she indicates in her post that as she’s in a more senior position she anticipates some “fall out” in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be “found out”, and she would then be on the back foot.

And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.

21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasn’t in the same place and didn’t have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadn’t informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.

It’s not as easy in such environments to say “it’s no one else’s business”.

Don’t patronise me. It might surprise you but I’ve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless you’re someone’s boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.

[Maisy]

The kids thing would be the issue that would worry me most as time is running out to have more kids in your forties. But, if you are both happy then go for it. Life is too short!

[Cinquecento]

I didn’t say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldn’t know what the situation is in her place.

But, she indicates in her post that as she’s in a more senior position she anticipates some “fall out” in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be “found out”, and she would then be on the back foot.

And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.

21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasn’t in the same place and didn’t have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadn’t informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.

It’s not as easy in such environments to say “it’s no one else’s business”.

Intrigued as to these formal annual declarations by the way. Do you fill one out if you shag Colin from accounts after the Christmas party?

[Sally]

Don’t patronise me. It might surprise you but I’ve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless you’re someone’s boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.

That’s incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.
Here’s an excerpt from Irish Indo couple years ago… (with my bold).

Most Irish companies do not have an explicit rule banning office romances. A prudent employer will have a robust policy dealing with the issue.

It is best practice to require disclosure of relationships where there is a perceived conflict of interest.

This will undoubtedly arise where there is an imbalance of power, perceived favouritism, or where one has influence over the other's promotional opportunities, salary increases, etc.

https://www.independent.ie/business/iri ... 68570.html


If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.

[Cinquecento]

Don’t patronise me. It might surprise you but I’ve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless you’re someone’s boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.

That’s incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.
Here’s an excerpt from Irish Indo couple years ago… (with my bold).

Most Irish companies do not have an explicit rule banning office romances. A prudent employer will have a robust policy dealing with the issue.

It is best practice to require disclosure of relationships where there is a perceived conflict of interest.

This will undoubtedly arise where there is an imbalance of power, perceived favouritism, or where one has influence over the other's promotional opportunities, salary increases, etc.

https://www.independent.ie/business/iri ... 68570.html


If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.

No it’s not incorrect if you work in the vast majority of workplaces that don’t ask that you disclose who you’re having sex with.

[Sally]

unless you’re someone’s boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.

That’s incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.

If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.

No it’s not incorrect if you work in the vast majority of workplaces that don’t ask that you disclose who you’re having sex with.

You made a broad generalised statement that “ unless you’re someone’s boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.”.
I said that no, that’s incorrect, it depends on T&C.
You then say that it’s correct if you work in a company that doesn’t have such T&Cs
so you’re agreeing with me, so not sure what you’re arguing with ?

I don’t know what environment the poster works in.
It may be in her T&Cs/policy.
She certainly indicates that her workplace will see some issue with it (otherwise, what fallout could there be), and I suggested (simply suggested) that she might like to get ahead of the issue and be open and transparent.
She can take or leave my suggestion, just like she can take or leave any other comment or suggestion on this thread.

[DazedandConfused]

Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.

My DD is the same, even a couple of years gap gives her the ick. She was horrified by the "half plus 7" rule. I didnt know it was the general option now


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[Maisy]

Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.

Seriously, what are they basing this on?

[Apple]

I don’t know but it seems to be common now. You have to stick to your age group or you’re a creep apparently.