Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman

[AgeGap]

For obvious reasons I've gone anon for this post.
I'm separated, in my very early forties and for the last several months I've been seeing a much younger man, in his mid twenties. I saw it as a bit of short term fun when it started, but its continued much longer than I expected and I really quite like him now. We met through work, I'm not his boss, but the structure of the business (family run) would be such that my position would be seen as senior to his.
We've kept it very low key because of concern about fallout at work but I have told close friends, not family although I wouldn't be generally rushing to tell them about my love life, I don't have that kind of relationship with them. He's the opposite, hasn't told friends but has told his family who he's very close to.
I suppose I'm trying to find out two things, the first being what impartial people would think of this situation and the second being peoples thoughts on being involved with someone from my workplace, even though I know every workplace is different so that might be harder to answer.
I know you mammies will be honest but please also be kind. I'm really struggling with this, a total head versus heart dilemma.

[Grasscutter]

Well if I were you I would have to consider what it will be like for both if the relationship ends acrimoniously. I'm a realist and I know that's a possibility for all relationships no matter how well they start so I'd have to imagine how an acrimonious break-up might impact my job and my career - and if I cared about him - how it might impact him. If I thought I could live with whatever fallout might be then I'd crack on.
As an impartial person - my thoughts are - jealousy I suppose.
It would definitely be an eyebrow raiser and a whispering point if not a talking point if it were to happen in my workplace - simply because that age gap where the female is older is rare - but personally, I'm always a supporter of such relationships - I cheer them on and hope they last long enough to bring both partners a lot of happiness and joy.

[ClaraLara]

I don't blame you for getting involved with a younger man, or with someone from the workplace at all. But with that age gap, and as an outsider, I'd be skeptical of the seriousness of the relationship. By all means have a bit of fun but if you told me that you were planning to settle down, I'd probably be wondering if the younger man was happy to sacrifice the chance of a family (realistically). It's kinda the first thing that came to mind - but you know him better than any of us here so that might not be an issue. I hope it all works out for you.

[ClaraLara]

And like grasscutter said ... jealously too, I mean we've all wondered at one time or another

[Twin mum+1]

If the roles were reversed the man wouldn’t be batting an eyelid…….
Can you go with flow, have fun and see how it pans out? Feck everyone else.

[Come Wine With Me]

I don't care about the age gap (unless you're talking barely out of school? ).

My two cents:

As above, what happens your job if this goes to shit in a "family run business"? And

Do you have kids? If this goes on is he willing to be in their lives? Would they want him in theirs?

[Cinquecento]

I too wouldn’t give a shite what anyone else thinks. Lots of people meet their partners at work. If you like him and he likes you and you’re having fun that’s all that matters. Don’t catastrophise about what may or may not happen.

[Mrs Yarn]

I didn’t think I had an issue with age gap but I have 2 sons in their 20s and would find it very strange if either of their gfs were almost my age. That would be my issue though and not theirs. And ultimately once my children are happy I am too, they’re old enough to make their own choices.

[November]

From personal experience, I think the younger person in a relationship with a large age gap always sacrifices for the older person in the relationship. I know some work out but I personally would not get into a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than me and as someone in their mid 40s I would have nothing in common with someone in their mid 20s.

I also would be concerned about issues in a small family owned business if the relationship didn’t work out - not from a professional point of view if you aren’t their boss but just from working in a small close knit environment. If you don’t see it as a long term thing is it really worth it?

[LucyS]

Lots of people meet their partners in the workplace. I am a great believer in keeping private lives private as far as possible and I would only inform those who need to know. DH and I work in the same (large) workplace, but we don't socialise as a couple. Many of my work colleagues are similar. If DH and I didn't throw a New Year's party every year, many of our colleagues would probably not realise that we are together.

I will admit that I would not like to see DDs or DS becoming involved with a much older partner. I would be of a similar view as November and my experience of couples in relationships with a large age gap is that there is often a power gap too and the younger partner sacrifices for the older partner. However, he has told his family and these are the only people who matter.

[Sally]

Workplace relationships are not necessarily a no-no so long as people are open and declare any possible conflict of interest, especially if there is a power differential which you indicate there is,
Not sure if you have declared it in work, if not and you’ve been involved for a while it’s time to consider doing so. The difficulties arise when it’s “found out” and it appears to be hidden .

I met DH at work, and my boss knew pretty immediately. But,i did change companies about 6 months later both for career reasons but also to get away from the conflict of interest situation. And that was in a large MNC with about 500 ees at that particular site.
If you and this guy are going to continue with the relationship , and it’s a smaller family run business, you might need to start talking about this topic ie will one of you move jobs, or how to discuss it at work.

On the personal side, it’s really down to you and your guy what to do. Like others, I’d be very concerned about DS in his 20’s entering long term relationship with a woman in their 40’s, as the topic of kids is a huge one. I think there are very many guys in their 20’s who would say kids don’t matter, but who have/would change their mind in mid/late 30’s or into their 40’s.

I wouldn’t think too much about it if it were not my family, ie just randomers on street or neighbours. But for my own son, I would be concerned.
That’s all I could be though, concerned. Because at the end of the day, if a guy is mid 20’s, it’s his life, he is free to be with who he wants.

[honeybell]

Maybe it works out for some but I'd say it's difficult when the older partner hits old age, one is retired the other still working, health and mobility differences etc. I wouldn't judge anyone in an age gap relationship though, would just be happy for them if they're happy.

[Carrots]

I wouldn't like my kids (boy or girl) being involved with partner years older (say 15+). But sure I'll have no say & hope it wouldn't last or if it did that it works out I suppose. My grandfather was about 20yrs older than my grandmother as soon as her 8 kids were reared she was looking after him as he was bed ridden by then. He passed away at home & she sold up bought a little place & had 5 or 6 great years of really enjoying life before she died suddenly at only 68. I know things different now but still!

[Kensington]

I wouldn't want to date someone in a small family run business. It's not like you can move departments when it ends.

I have a 26 year old son and I wouldn't like if he was dating a woman in her 40s (ditto for my daughters). But there wouldn't be anything I could do about it. I'd kind of presume it would end eventually.

I do know someone where there was a 10 year gap. He was late 20s and she was late 30s, separated with kids. they broke up, then got back together and she had a child with him at age 40. They are now very happy together. They have very similar friends/interests etc and he went all in on being a family with her kids too.

[DazedandConfused]

Interesting how people are seeing it from a new angle now they have sons themselves that age

Its still early days. I definitely wouldnt be saying it in work. I woudnt see any issue with that, its nobodys business. Are you both on the same page as regards there being any longterm prospects in it?


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