Dd17 smoking cigarettes and weed

[faganlesley]

My dd17 I just found out is smoking cigarettes and weed daily.

For context I’m going to tell you our whole life story for the last 7 years.

My oh/DH (not married) had a breakdown in 2016 was subsequently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia had a very hard few years with stays in hospital and day centres whilst trying to get on an even keel with his medication. He gave up alcohol almost 3 years ago and life has been very different for him. For the greater good. We have always explained to her the dangers of doing drugs while this illness is in our family.

In 2017 I got sick with a complication of diabetes called Gastroparesis which had me in and out of hospital for weeks and months at a time. I was subsequently diagnosed with stage 4 kidney disease and recently started dialysis 3 days a week. I have also gone partially blind in 1 eye and totally blind in the other eye.

So to say she hasn’t had a easy life is an understatement. We tried to shield her from it all but it has had a major effect on her.

We have now found out that she is smoking cigarettes for the last 3 years and last year she started to do weed. Said it helps with her anxiety and takes her away from all her problems. Says we have her on a pedestal and she feels the need to be perfect for us. We knew she has some anxiety issues and has always had self esteem issues but with the help of our gp she had attended 8 Jigsaw sessions. Hardly put any effort into going and only went as she knew we wanted her to go . She smokes weed in her boyfriends house where his father smokes it all the time also. I have always liked her boyfriend but lately he hasn’t been treating her very well in my opinion. She is in college and works a part time job is very independent of us but I don’t know what to do with her.

She is currently in cahms but has only had 1 session with me and 1 without said she wasn’t asked if she did drugs. Was attending the gp for months and always swore that she wasn’t on anything else.

Is there anyone who has had a child in a situation where they turned to drugs for help.

Please don’t quote as I may delete some of my post.

Thanks in advance xx

[April]

I can’t help you on the weed but so many smoke it these days and while it has no long-term effects for many, it is detrimental for others, as I know from experience within my friendship group. I hope you can get some good advice here.

Having read your post, I just want to say I’m sorry to hear of your health issues and your DP’s too and wish you both the best.

[daphne18]

I am sorry to hear of all your family has gone through - that is very tough.

You have given your daughter access to services that can help.

I can’t give any direct advice on it but hopefully some will.

[janeymac]

I'm sorry you and your family have had such tough going.
On the plus side, you say your daughter is going to college and has a part time job so that sounds very positive.
Smoking cigarettes while not anything anyone wants their children doing is not illegal and plenty of young people do start and eventually do stop. If not personal experience of smoking, I'm sure we all have plenty of lovely, successful friends who smoked since they were teenagers and either gave up or didn't. Look, you hate it for your kids but there are worse things.
I also think some teenagers always smoked weed and it didn't necessarily lead to anything else. I'm sure lots of parents were blissfully unaware. I know of course that smoking weed is very worrying when you have mental illness in the family although I also understand that many young people feel invincible. You can't put an old head on young shoulders...
I guess I would try and keep my worry in check as many young people wouldn't see smoking cigarettes and some weed as a massive deal. I don't mean to minimise your concern at all but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your dd. Particularly if you are worried about the boyfriend, I think I'd be concentrating on keeping good communication with your dd. Pointing out about thd dangers of cigarettes and weed but not to the point of alienating her.
You know she has anxiety and self esteem issues and you are getting her help with this. There is only so much you can make a 17 yr old do. But I always think looking around at my family and friends and people in the village where I grew up, that the vast majority of young people with good family support get through all these things and come out fine the other side.
It really sounds like you are being as supportive as you can. Understanding where she is coming from, proud of how well she is doing with regard to college and working and getting her support and access to services she needs. Hopefully, your continued support being on her side will help her to reach out when she is ready.
Hopefully others will have better, more specific advice for you but didn't want to read and not reply.

[Novbaby31]

You can contact her GP and CAHMs and make them aware that your DD is self medicating her anxiety with weed. It is important they know this. I have a family member with significant mental health issues and they have always welcomed this type of information as it helps them address the situation better. Be prepared that they will not discuss things with you - I always started my conversation with that I understand the importance of patient confidentiality and that I was passing in information that I knew my family member was not disclosing to them.

She is not the first teenager to smoke cigarettes and weed. The complicating factor here is that your daughter is using it as a crutch for anxiety as opposed to smoking it on a night out socially with pals so I understand your concerns.

[faganlesley]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my post. We do have a wonderful relationship myself and her. I’m just so angry for her even trying it but mostly with myself because I didn’t notice that she was doing it. I thought I knew her inside out.

We will sit down with her later when she returns from her job. And hopefully we can her to understand the importance of her moving on at least from the weed for the first step. It can ruin lives so quickly and I have someone I know who’s life it took over for years and they are only in the last few years coming out the other side of it.

Again thank you for your kindness

[janeymac]

You can contact her GP and CAHMs and make them aware that your DD is self medicating her anxiety with weed. It is important they know this. I have a family member with significant mental health issues and they have always welcomed this type of information as it helps them address the situation better. Be prepared that they will not discuss things with you - I always started my conversation with that I understand the importance of patient confidentiality and that I was passing in information that I knew my family member was not disclosing to them.

She is not the first teenager to smoke cigarettes and weed. The complicating factor here is that your daughter is using it as a crutch for anxiety as opposed to smoking it on a night out socially with pals so I understand your concerns.

To be honest, I would be cautious about sharing this info about your dd without her permission. Her medical team can listen to all you say but they won't discuss her with you. Unless it's different for minors? If you are on good terms, your dd can give her permission for them to talk to you.
I think I would say you suspect she might be using weed and ask if you are right about this, what does that mean for her? Will the same counsellor see her? Will she be shunted towards addiction based services and what exactly is that if its the case? I would suss out any implications for your dd of sharing that info with medical staff, however right it may feel to do it.
I know in the adult services, that she may well be considered in addiction and certain treatments, courses open to her and not others.
Again, not familiar with Camhs but if your dd is engaging and getting on OK with a counsellor there, I 'd make sure your info wasn't going to jeopardise that.
Good luck with it all.

[HeyJude]

I would park the cigarette issue and focus on the weed tbh. I'd hate my kids to smoke (both DH & myself are ex-smokers) but I'd pick cigarettes over weed any day.
Given your DHs condition I would be very wary of weed.

There's been a lot going on in her life and it sounds like she does need something to help her cope. Has she ever been offered tablets for anxiety or anything else that can help her when it gets out of control.

While clinicians might not discuss her with you etc, it might be useful to talk to them anyway and share what you know. If she's telling them she's ok and not using anything etc, then they don't have a proper picture and can't treat her appropriately imo.

[Novbaby31]

There are two ways to approach talking to the medical team - you can tell your daughter you are doing that or you can not tell her and make the team aware that you have not discussed this with her.

I say this having had experience of both situations with an adult - they won’t discuss your DD with you but they will use the information in a sensitive and discrete way to challenge appropriately where needed. It is all part of the bigger picture and the more info they have on that the more help they can be.

And try and get past the anger - she is a teenager, she has a lot going on in her family life - talk to her from a place of concern. She sounds like a good kid who needs a bit of help and you sound like a loving mum.

[Come Wine With Me]

I agree with others, daily smoking and as a crutch for anxiety *is* concerning. It's the same difference between social drinking and alcohol dependency.

It's also important to try to find out *what* she's smoking. I know the stereotype is a chilled out hippy but there's some very strong strains of grass on the market and they've been linked in the UK with an upturn in psychosis. I'm really not trying to be alarmist, maybe what she's smoking is mild, but given her father's diagnosis, she needs to be very careful.

I'd try talking to her first about her reliance , but I wouldn't completely rule out passing info to her GP or counsellor - though you do risk that she falls out with both you and them over it.

Cigarettes unfortunately you'll have to pick your battles.

Sorry you are going through this on top of everything else. It sounds like a lot so also make sure you look after your own mental health.

ETA - the fact she's in college and working, she does sound like a good kid. And you are obviously a very loving mother. She just needs to put appropriate supports to manage her mental health.

[faganlesley]

Ok so we spent the evening talking and she decided she wants to continue smoking the weed even though we have pointed out that she has a high chance of developing a psychotic disorder like her dad. She feels that the way it makes her feel outweighs the potential risks.

My friend talked to her and explained what it did to him over the years and that it isn’t worth it. Pointed out that if she wants to learn to drive and she is ever stopped by the police that she could be randomly drug tested on the spot.

I tried to say that I was going to take it up to try understand what it does for her. She said she wouldn’t be happy with all my illnesses she would be afraid for me. Told her that is exactly how I feel.

Gave me permission to speak to her gp and her counsellor. Maybe they can get through to her.

Going to dialysis tomorrow to try get a break from thinking about it

Thank you for the advice and kindness

[honeybell]

Sorry if this is off the mark but has your daughter been prescribed any anti anxiety medicines? If she smoking weed to cope with anxiety wouldn't it be better to try a prescribed medicine instead?

[faganlesley]

She hasn’t been prescribed anything because she is only 17 so gp can’t give anything. Has to come from a psychiatrist and she hasn’t seen one yet with cahms. Hopefully when I talk to her therapist there on Monday they can intervene with a psychiatrist.

I definitely think something could help her but I’m also not sure that she would take the medication. I found months worth of her pill, iron, vitamin D and folic acid that she has been prescribed. Said she can’t be bothered taking them. Can’t give a reasonable explanation.

I have huge patience with her but it’s wearing thin

[Rita]

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/5/ ... vhelpline/

Perhaps this helpline can give you advice.
She does sound like she has an addiction problem but I don’t know much about addiction to weed..I do know lots of young people use it and I know some have gone on to other drugs but then lots haven’t and stopped using it . So it is important you can get her the right help now , if you can but she also sounds like she is very responsible in lots of ways. Way more than my 17 year old.

It’s very tough for you and hopefully you get the help needed. Mind yourself too .

[Novbaby31]

You are not going to solve this with one conversation. And she is a teen - her risk/reward perspective is different to yours.

You made great progress with the conversation today - it is a win that she is okay with you speaking to the GP and Counsellor. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no magic wand. Take the win and recognise it is a step in the road.

And I get your concerns, I share them, but the risks are still small in the grand scheme of things. It is easy to catastrophise but perspective is important. And I say this as someone who has dealt with the impact of cannabis psychosis - I truly understand the concerns. I also know your daughter is 17 and can’t see them. Focus on tackling the root cause of the anxiety.

Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner.