CAO drama

[Rita]

I think sometimes schools think if they take a year out they won’t go back. I don’t think that’s the case now unless third level wasn’t for them, which is ok too.
But sometimes teens take a year out for various reasons. From needing to earn money to pay for college to not having a notion!
I think I would get her to accept and take her time them deciding. It could also be nerves or fear..especially if she has to move for college.

[Cinquecento]

She may be able to switch courses within the university. Contact their admissions office.

Some universities are more amenable to that than others. Back in the day I tried to switch courses in one Dublin university and it was computer says no all the way despite my having the points and entry requirements.

I reapplied through CAO.

[April]

I read something on UCD website last week about them not accepting Stage 1 transfers this year because of short timeframe between accepting CAO offers and something else that I can’t remember.

[Gervais]

Had a similar situation last year though Dd did start the course. She left before Halloween so got her fees back. She worked for the year and reapplied for a different course this year. Would your Dd be happy to take the year out and work or do a PLC?

[salsa]

Is it possible to defer and for her to do a plc or something in her other now preferred area? Then if she changes back to her number 1 it’s there and in the meanwhile she gets a Chance to try out her new preference? Is that even possible I wonder?
Then next year she can choose accordingly?

[Apple]

I think it’s a great idea to take a year out for everyone.

[Elsie]

how are things today? A litte calmer I hope.

Most kids first reaction is to blame parents... so dont worry about that. Id say she is just panicing now as its all real and not just being talked about but do put the ball in her court and ask does she want to take a year out and reapply next year.
with those points she will have plenty of choice of what she wants to do although when the time comes she will probably feel pressure there too as hardly anyone knows what they really want to do.

[CockChoker]

Brian Mooney career guidance and education columnist gave advice on this type of situation on Pat Kenny's show yesterday so here's a link to it

https://www.newstalk.com/podcasts/highl ... e-students

[Original poster]

Thank you all for the advice. Unfortunately we still haven't moved on from Wednesday. She's not talking to me. Won't have a discussion about it. I honestly do not know what's going on in her head. I've just listened to the podcast there and the bottom line was if they got their first choice and couldn't get accommodation etc it was tough you're screwed.

[Original poster]

Thank you all for the advice. Unfortunately we still haven't moved on from Wednesday. She's not talking to me. Won't have a discussion about it. I honestly do not know what's going on in her head. I've just listened to the podcast there and the bottom line was if they got their first choice and couldn't get accommodation etc it was tough you're screwed.

I personally would prefer her to start the course to see just if she likes it and if by the end of October it's not for her well then either try and get a transfer or leave and reapply next year for something else. I genuinely think this is one of the disadvantages of having older kids leaving school IE 19 years.

Her aunt had a long conversation with her and the bottom line was she doesn't really know what she wants. So I firmly believe if she doesn't give it a try we will be in exactly the same boat this time next year. She seems to think that I railroaded her into this particular career. Whereas in fact I spoke to her on numerous occasions in the run up to doing the CAO to look at all other options. We did pros and cons lists of all the various other career options that she looked at. But in the end she decided that this particular course was going to be her number one. We even did external career guidance counseling with her. We gave her every opportunity to look at all the different careers that she could do. We knew she would be a high achiever.

I have never been so stressed. I never saw this coming. If she doesn't go to college life will be hell on earth with her at home.

[Original poster]

Hi admin I sent a long response to this but it was never posted.

[NDM]

What changed for her that she doesn't want the course?

As you said she is a high achiever and has a huge number of points.

Could you arrange for her to meet with the Head of Dept and chat with them? Or student services?

Would she do a plc course?

I know you've answered some of these questions already. The stress is unbelievable and facing into another year of uncertainty is horrible.

Sent from my SM-A536B using Tapatalk

[Rita]

Unfortunately you can’t make her go but you can say she has to get a job.
If she doesn’t then not sure what you can do. I wouldn’t give her money but I know in reality you can’t kick her out. But she is sn adult so try to remember that..

Not sure why she is blaming you..is her dad around and is she talking to him. Is there other stuff going on that she isn’t saying..like is it a similar career to one of you and she doesn’t want to be a failure at it so this is the reaction

Happened a friend recently whose adult child was giving up their course..no talking to them. But when someone did get them to talk it turned out that they couldn’t cope with one part. A solution was found then but their reaction was to run from it and blame the parents.

[Sally]

Whereas in fact I spoke to her on numerous occasions in the run up to doing the CAO to look at all other options. We did pros and cons lists of all the various other career options that she looked at. But in the end she decided that this particular course was going to be her number one. We even did external career guidance counseling with her. We gave her every opportunity to look at all the different careers that she could do. We knew she would be a high achiever.

I have never been so stressed. I never saw this coming. If she doesn't go to college life will be hell on earth with her at home.

You refer to “we” there, so I’m assuming there’s another parent on the scene.
Can her dad talk to her?

When yo7 say she won’t talk to you, do you mean that you two have literally not spoken since Weds, or you tried talking and she wouldn’t engage with you? If you did try, did you mention what your preference was ie try it till January?

Where did the conversation with her aunt land? “I don’t know what I want to do” is a fine statement, but there needs to be a plan for what are the next steps.

If nothing was agreed, and she won’t talk to you, I’d ask the aunt to have another chat, but start the discussion with your DD by saying that “ok at the end of this conversation we need to know what happens next, because even doing nothing triggers next steps I.e. doing nothing means effectively declining the place offered and not going to college this year. Not saying that’s a good or bad decision, just saying it will be some form of a decision”.

If your Dd starts falling back into “it’s moms fault, I never wanted that course”, the aunt needs to jolly her along , telling her “that’s as may be but it doesn’t really matter who chose this course, today is about planning next steps”

And then talk about next steps, discussing all the options mentioned above.
Try it until Oct
Try it till January
Defer it
Decline it
Do nothing which be the same as declining it

If declining then what are options
PLC
Other course.
Job
Travel and job
Volunteer at something
Other.
Make clear that declining and piaffing around at home doing nothing is not an option!

Maybe having all this laid out on a piece of paper would help steer the conversation.

She’s being very immature about it, so approach I’d be taking is that someone needs to tough talk her into focusing on next steps . If that’s her dad or her aunt or a friend so be it.

[molls]

You poor thing, the situation, and her attitude, sounds awful. While you went above and beyond in helping her choose, there's no point in trying to point that out to her now, she isn't in the headspace to let go of her need to blame you. This is a defence mechanism on her part, so try not to take it personally.

Let her know that you will accept her decision. You will financially support her if she is studying. If she is not in education, she is welcome to remain at home paying rent and a contribution to costs of €X per week, starting in October.