Read something I shouldn't have

[Smoke]

So you still have her diary? She must know that you've read it and weren't snooping as you brought it home accidentally.

I think anon has said she surreptitiously managed to return it.

[Smoke]

Really the ball is in your court , I personally would need to have the conversation , If I didnt have the conversation it would eat me up and later down the road cause more trouble as any little negitive from their side would be magnified a million .

Your issue here is how people see you and you don't want her or anyone else thinking negativeof you , She can say what she wants you know your truth and you be firm in it , If you did do something wrong her level of language about you was completely unacceptable and eggerated to what had happened .
Your other friend will know what she is like and know what you are like so that should be enough .
They could have also told her she is wrong or just not had an opinion when she ranted , because she brought it to them they will know your not lying.

You are remorseful in how you got this information but equally devastated and hurt ,

I would confide in mutual friend to get her prospective as she heard what was said which could have been totally washed down by the time there conversation was ended this will give you more information on how you should proceed further with Mary

This mightn't be the case.
Mary could be just as two-faced towards the others as she is being to anon.
If anon pulls back, which I think she has to, then she needs to ready for Mary to spin that too.
I can't see how anon can avoid addressing this situation with Mary if she wants to able to salvage her other friendships.

[mcmammy2]

She doesn't sound like the healthiest person to be around. If she didn't like you then she could have done the decent thing and distanced herself or the very brave thing and tell you why she felt negative but to be friends to your face and feel negative towards you and discuss you negatively to others is not a friend. People like that are best off avoided. However I do understand your hurt and also the awkwardness of how you found out. I wouldn't go discussing this with anyone else in your friendship circle. I wouldn't discuss her at all if anyone asks just say you have been busy and not had time to be in touch. I think gradually distancing yourself while being cordial is a good approach you don't have to explain or complain. Just keep your dignity. She will eventually get the message and you will either be casual acquaintances or not in each other's orbit. In the meantime be a good friend to yourself. You do not need people who do not care for and support you as you do them in your life.

[SarahBC]

She doesn't sound like the healthiest person to be around. If she didn't like you then she could have done the decent thing and distanced herself or the very brave thing and tell you why she felt negative but to be friends to your face and feel negative towards you and discuss you negatively to others is not a friend. People like that are best off avoided. However I do understand your hurt and also the awkwardness of how you found out. I wouldn't go discussing this with anyone else in your friendship circle. I wouldn't discuss her at all if anyone asks just say you have been busy and not had time to be in touch. I think gradually distancing yourself while being cordial is a good approach you don't have to explain or complain. Just keep your dignity. She will eventually get the message and you will either be casual acquaintances or not in each other's orbit. In the meantime be a good friend to yourself. You do not need people who do not care for and support you as you do them in your life.

Agree on distancing from Mary but my concern is that the OP will now be distanced from the group - mentioned going away etc. this would be unfortunate if you like their company eg . So either OP has to accept the friendship of the group is over or else explain why she does not want to be fiends with Mary.

It’s not a nice situation at all Anon and I feel really sorry for you. I can totally understand and your hurt and disappointment. I hope you are ok.

[Vino]

Basically you've two choices either you tell Mary and the other friends what you discovered or you keep it quiet.
I can't see you coming out of this unscathed friendship wise as at the very least your friendship with Mary is over. If you keep what you discovered to yourself you most likely risk your other friends including your close friend wondering why you've began to behave irrationally with Mary and the knock on effect to how you behave in your friendship groups she's in.
If you tell the truth, first to your close friend and then to Mary you are been honest and won't come across as evasive as you will if you start trying to distance yourself from Mary with no apparent reason.
Personally speaking I would want to hear Mary's explanation but equally as important let my other friends know what type of character they've dealing with.

Maybe you've answered this already but
Why if you went in for a charger did you take a diary? Surely you wouldn't expect your diary to be in someone else's house?

[Vino]

She doesn't sound like the healthiest person to be around. If she didn't like you then she could have done the decent thing and distanced herself or the very brave thing and tell you why she felt negative but to be friends to your face and feel negative towards you and discuss you negatively to others is not a friend. People like that are best off avoided. However I do understand your hurt and also the awkwardness of how you found out. I wouldn't go discussing this with anyone else in your friendship circle. I wouldn't discuss her at all if anyone asks just say you have been busy and not had time to be in touch. I think gradually distancing yourself while being cordial is a good approach you don't have to explain or complain. Just keep your dignity. She will eventually get the message and you will either be casual acquaintances or not in each other's orbit. In the meantime be a good friend to yourself. You do not need people who do not care for and support you as you do them in your life.

Agree on distancing from Mary but my concern is that the OP will now be distanced from the group - mentioned going away etc. this would be unfortunate if you like their company eg . So either OP has to accept the friendship of the group is over or else explain why she does not want to be fiends with Mary.

It’s not a nice situation at all Anon and I feel really sorry for you. I can totally understand and your hurt and disappointment. I hope you are ok.

Agree, Mary has already felt free to put the boot in with the op long term friends, if the op starts behaving offish with them all it'll give her ammunition to further discuss the op negatively.
I think on mumsnet Mary would be strongly suspected of trying to Wendy the op!

[anon76]

Vino, I brought my own laptop, notes, etc. up to Mary's as wasn't sure if it was laptop or charger that was the issue. Dropped everything on desk. Chatted for a bit then just grabbed everything. Mary was there and she was "journalling" at the time I think.

I know in my gut if I raise it with Mary, it will not be "oh I am so sorry you had to see that" etc....it will be all my fault for "snooping" and will rope rest of them in.

She has form. She has fallen out with a lot of people and ALL their fault. I stupidly always agreed with her

[anon76]

What does "wendy the OP" mean??

[QUATTRO]

Can you talk to the friend Mary spoke to about you and suss her out without mentioning the diary just that you've heard she is bad mouthing you and see if friend opens up.

Is it possible the diary mix up was deliberately set up by Mary, just seems an odd thing to write in a work diary, we have generic diaries in work and would be easy mix them up alright but nobody here would put personal stuff in them.

[HeyJude]

As Quattro said I would just say that you heard Mary is bad mouthing you and you don't know what to do...the ball is then in their court and they can either agree or disagree with what you said...by the way no need to say where you heard it... don't want to get x into trouble is always a good excuse, especially if it's only you that work with Mary. I'm assuming that the rest of the group is outside of work?

[janeymac]

I forgot to mention that if I opened something and saw my name mentioned I too would have a read...of course I would...it's no harm at all to know where you stand with people.

See HeyJude, I don't know about this.... Reading something about yourself like this may bring plenty of harm, upset and sadness.
Is the op better off knowing that someone she was close to wrote in such a hateful way about her? Better to know of the snake in the grass maybe? Or maybe not? It has brought the op a lot of upset.

That’s why I wouldn't read something private someone else has written even if I saw my name there. Often it results in you knowing something you shouldn't and a quandary re how to deal with that info without admitting that you read something private.

I feel that I am decent person towards others and especially friends. I am happy with that. If a friend I helped were to write about me in horrible terms, I think I'd rather not know. It's their problem not mine. To know would hurt and sadden me and perhaps make me cynical and wary of other friendships. ..Surely most grown ups judge their friends as they find them? I'd trust my own judgement before malicious, out of character descriptions about another friend coming from 'Mary' particularly if Mary has significant mental health problems. It's likely Mary's nastiness isn't limited to the diary and other friends know what she's like. So I wouldn't be concerned about Mary talking about me to other friends.

I'm not a 'goody-goody' (!) by any means but
I just think reading anything private about me not meant to be read by me is likely to cause me difficulties so I immediately just stop. Other people's privacy would be the priority for me.

[Vino]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being ... rm-wendied

It's when you introduce a new friend into a friendship group and next thing they manage to turn your friends against you.
If your friends that you've introduced Mary to are important to you at the very least I would speak to them honestly about why you no longer trust Mary and ask for their opinions.

[Novbaby31]

You were in her home and accidently picked up her diary and read it. I am not doubting that it was accidental on your part but I think it changes things a little in that the diary was not in work where it likely could expect to seen or read by a third party. The fact that she used a standard work diary for her journalling is neither here nor there really as she had it at home.

People use diaries in all sorts of ways, one of which is to write down negative and horrible thoughts to process and deal with them. Maybe what she wrote is exactly what she thinks all the time, maybe it is how she processes negative feelings. You don't know.

your options are to

1. ignore it and be wary of her and cut back contact
2. have a honest conversation with her and accept that has a right to be upset at you reading her private diary, just as you have a right to be upset at what you read.

I would not involve other friends - this is between the two of you.

[GoodnBad]

I’m a little confused by some of the detail of OP’s posts and for that reason can’t quite understand how this has all come about.

Having said that, it sounds like you’re upset OP.

I’m no goody-goody either but I know for a fact I wouldn’t read some else’s writing in a diary or journal - even if I opened it by accident. Strong statement I know! I say it with certainty as I found a diary that belonged to a work colleague, my boss’s boss at the time had left it at an event. I messaged him to say that I had it, told him that I hadn’t read or seen anything in the diary and that I would post it to him (I wasn’t going to see him that week).

I genuinely didn’t open it beyond the first page where I saw his writing - no idea what the detail was.

Afterwards he send me a thank you bunch of flowers ….I won’t lie, I did wonder of more than one occasion what was in that diary that warranted a thank you bunch of flowers

I would agree with Novbaby, this is between the two of you. I wouldn’t involve others at this point.

Take care

[luxie]

I’m with novbaby, (and feeling over invested here )… I can see why Mary would put it back on you being in the wrong as you ‘threw your stuff on the table’ and managed to lift her diary as you left knowing she was journaling as you arrived?

Surely when you put your stuff down you checked it was sitting on a clear space and leaving would have doubled checked you had everything with you. And if you did none of this then you may start.