Read something I shouldn't have

[Guest1]

Regular going anon. I have been very good friends with, let's say Mary. At the weekend, due to a comedy of errors, I read something that was absolutely not intended for me. What was written was absolutely horrendous and full of hate towards me Mary has struggled with her mental health in the past and I have always been her rock. It is obvious from what was written that Mary has spoken to other close friends about me and not in a good light. I was due to meet with Mary and others who she has spoken to this weekend but I have cried off. Didn't go into detail, just that I am unwell. I am numb with shock. Mary and the others in the group are (were) my closest friends and now I just do not know what to do

[RDR]

If you know that the entire group had a massive bitch fest about you then you're well rid, though that will still feel like a huge loss. But you've only mentioned that Mary spoke badly of you. The fact that Mary spoke horribly about you does not mean that your friends weighed in or agreed with her.

Your ability to address this with your group may be impacted by how you came across what you read. Without knowing that it is hard to make a call on the right way to approach this/them.

I think any of us would be upset in a similar situation. It is really horrible.

[Rita]

Well I think you need to say it to them. Was it just Mary? Could you say it to one of the others?

[Lady Madonna]

That's so awful, obviously you think more of the friendship than she does. I wouldn't be making excuses for her on the basis of her MH though, she said what she said. I suppose you'll know better whether it was her MH or just general nastiness.

You did the right thing pulling back, it's not you, it's her. You don't have to feign illness, I know in theory no is a complete sentence but realistically if you've been conditioned to people please it's difficult to switch yourself from that to no. I find saying "I have other plans" works well, no apology or further explanation.

Does she know you read it?

[Bubbles]

God that’s awful. You must feel so hurt. I think you did the right thing by pulling out of meeting up. You need time to get your head around it.

[Smoke]

How upsetting and hurtful for you.
I don't know how you came to read this but I get the impression that it's only Mary who expressed their things?
If so then you should give the others the benefit of the doubt.
If not then I'd probably say "sorry to see that's how you talk about me. I think it's best we part ways", and move on. It'll be very tough to get over though.

Is there a chance one of them will realise you read this?

[Apple]

Honestly I think if a lot of us knew what was being said about us we’d be heartbroken. How bad was it? I’d be reluctant to drop the whole group without knowing what was said and how personal it was.

[anon76]

Thank you all. Girls, it was her diary - I know it sounds like a crap excuse but I was at her place and was picking up my bag and picked this up by mistake. Only when I got home, I saw it in my bag and opened it (not knowing what it was). The first and only page I opened was pure vitriol aimed at me. As it is her diary, obviously I cannot say it to her or indeed anyone else

[Vino]

You must be feeling very upset and hurt right now.
Could what Mary have written be taken out of context or maybe just her having a bad moment as opposed to having issues with you long term? Like was she ranting about you and a particular situation or is it ongoing?

I've got to the age/stage of life where I would have to address this sort of thing. Why should you silently retreat from Mary or anyone else and end up been discussed/blamed as the fall guy for the friendship ending. Tell them what you know, hear their side and decide for yourself if any friendships are worth saving and let them take ownership for their part if there's any to take.

[anon76]

Yes it is quite grim. If it was just bilge written about me and only me, I would be inclined to move on. However, what has really hurt is, another very good friend of mine has come to a few nights outs/gigs with us. Mary has only known her a few months. Mary went to this friend of mine and spoke to her about me. This is included in the diary. As it is a diary, I cannot do/say anything. Mary being who she is will accuse me of searching for it, etc.....

[Groucho]

Did any of them reply to this thing that you saw? Is there a chance it was just this Mary behaving badly and saying stuff to the rest of the group that might have had them all rolling their eyes? Could you discreetly ask one of the others about what was said? The rest of the group could well be thinking "Jesus, that's very harsh", or "After how nice Guest1 was to Mary, this is how she talks about her", or similar. I'd probably try to find out a bit more context, before throwing over the entire group.

It must be very upsetting, God love you...

ETA only seeing now that it was a diary

[RDR]

Did you return her diary to her? If you want to say something to her then that's the obvious opportunity but it is an awkward one to explain how you got it and why you opened and read it.

If it was Mary's diary there's no reason to think any of the rest of the group are involved. So why would you cut yourself off from them if Mary just wrote in her diary about you? Just get on with things as normal with them. Or tell them what happened if you're concerned that Mary may try and put a wedge in there.

[farmer me]

My sister had a breakdown 4 years ago. I put alot of time and effort into her recovery. Looked after her and her kids etc. I now don't exist in her life. She has erased the breakdown and me from her life. It was /is very tough as we were very close. I have done nothing wrong . You never know what's going on in someone else's head

[Carmella]

I know it’s awful but you should be absolutely delighted you found that. Now you know what she is like and you don’t need to waste another second on her. Kick the dust off your shoes and don’t look back.

[luxie]

Up to you whether you address it or not but you need to give the diary back. Whether you post it with no return address or stick it through the letterbox is up to you but you need to send it back.

That aside, it doesn’t lessen the pain you feel. Must be gut wrenching