Issue with my son and his girlfriend

[HeyJude]

I too wouldn't just suck it up. I don't mind having people here 1 to 3 nights a week but I get stressed with more than that.

I don't know how turbulent her home life is, and tbh everyone has a different view of what turbulent is.

I think have a chat with your son and explain how you feel and that you meant that if things got too tough at home at any stage that she could spend a few days while it calmed down, but that you didn't mean a permanent move to your house.

It sounds like she has left home to live in yours at the moment.

[anon7]

Hi everyone. Many thanks for all the feedback. So much appreciated. She hasn't moved in. There is an awful lot going on for her at home at the moment which I won't go into out of respect for her. I think it is me at the moment. Menopause is not helping They cook their own food and it has never bothered me but the past week or so, the sight of the pair of them in my kitchen is driving me insane but it is probably the whole family, not just them ! He has a TV in his room but lately they are taking over the sitting room - we only have one. I think I will tell him to use his own TV and leave sitting room to us?

She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.

[elizaDoo]

Hi everyone. Many thanks for all the feedback. So much appreciated. She hasn't moved in. There is an awful lot going on for her at home at the moment which I won't go into out of respect for her. I think it is me at the moment. Menopause is not helping They cook their own food and it has never bothered me but the past week or so, the sight of the pair of them in my kitchen is driving me insane but it is probably the whole family, not just them ! He has a TV in his room but lately they are taking over the sitting room - we only have one. I think I will tell him to use his own TV and leave sitting room to us?

She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.

I had replied and then not posted it as I felt you had enough opinions. I was that girl in my teenage years who sometimes had a turbulent home life. It wasnt a boyfriend but a best friends parents who invited me to their home on many occasions, holidays etc. They made me seem so welcome and never a burden and to this day I am still in contact with them and so appreciative of the refuge they gave me without judgement. You are a kind person and sound like a great mother and yes these hormones of ours (or lack of) can drive us insane.
Wishing you all well and just thought I would post how kind of a person I think you are from the girls side.

[RDR]

Claiming your sitting room back is a very small thing to be doing. And honestly, if they were adult-adults you'd expect them to have thought of that as is. It is a reminder that their brains and judgment are not fully formed and do need to be guided still.

[apache]

Hi everyone. Many thanks for all the feedback. So much appreciated. She hasn't moved in. There is an awful lot going on for her at home at the moment which I won't go into out of respect for her. I think it is me at the moment. Menopause is not helping They cook their own food and it has never bothered me but the past week or so, the sight of the pair of them in my kitchen is driving me insane but it is probably the whole family, not just them ! He has a TV in his room but lately they are taking over the sitting room - we only have one. I think I will tell him to use his own TV and leave sitting room to us?

She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.

I had replied and then not posted it as I felt you had enough opinions. I was that girl in my teenage years who sometimes had a turbulent home life. It wasnt a boyfriend but a best friends parents who invited me to their home on many occasions, holidays etc. They made me seem so welcome and never a burden and to this day I am still in contact with them and so appreciative of the refuge they gave me without judgement. You are a kind person and sound like a great mother and yes these hormones of ours (or lack of) can drive us insane.
Wishing you all well and just thought I would post how kind of a person I think you are from the girls side.

I second this but unfortunately I wasn't made feel welcome and we ended up moving in together quite a bit earlier than we had to. I wouldn't underestimate the positive impact that you are having on her life.

[Vino]

Claim back your sitting room, its for the whole family not just them two.
Are they under your feet more now that colleges are closed for the summer? I'm guessing you've a full house too if you've got other school age kids.
I've found as mine are older you get used to a routine of them been gone or coming and going, its hard to adapt them when everyone lands together for an extended period.

[Lady Madonna]

I do wonder if my MIL would have thought similar about me back in the day, and she'd have been well entitled to because I was there a lot and my home life was turbulent, I'm embarrassed now thinking about how much time I spent there but it was a means to an end at the time and probably made the time I did spend at home slightly less difficult.

It would take it's toll though having 2 more adults in my living space at a time of the evening when I want to relax in that space. I don't know what I'd do, maybe make a point of rearranging things/redecorating to remind everyone who's space it is because I'm passive aggressive like that.

[fourarms]

I'd let the kitchen issue go but reclaim your sitting room. DS's girlfriend is here a lot but they watch TV in another room so it doesn't impact us.

[docmcstuffins]

Don't underestimate the impact that menopausal intolerance brings to this situation either! I adore my kids but having two twenty somethings living back with me again (due to rental situation) means that I count to ten a million times a day and take myself off to bed early most nights! This is a very timely discussion to have as many of us will have adult children living under our roofs for many years to come!

[Lady Madonna]

Even with teenagers at home I find myself watching TV in my bedroom so that I can actually hear it when it's on. Sometimes DH comes and joins me there and we remark on how we used to watch TV in his room in his parents house and couldn't wait to get our own 4 walls and now here we are back watching TV in a bedroom like old times

[honeybell]

Any chance you could fit a shomera type room in the garden? An expensive solution but I've considered it here to get more private space from teenagers and their friends.

[Tobo]

We have a similar thing going on here. DS and his gf spend a lot of time here. We're lucky in that we had a large garage renovated to a pool room/cinema/party type building and they tend to hang out there most of the time. It irks me sometimes when the pantry or freezer is raided and the air fryer is used (and not washed) and the others are looking for snacks and they've disappeared. My tolerance level is at an all-time low and I've already advised the others that there'll have to be a rota in place shortly!
I'm delighted and lucky for DS and the others to have refuge at hone, but I have limits that I thought I never had.

[Sally]

She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.

I’m like others, I’d have to say something.
But if you state all that you’ve said above, few times if needed, they really shouldn’t take offence.

Just point out that she’s of course welcome as an overnight guest and occasional visitor, and ye love her to bits etc etc, but that you’re beginning to feel like yere all tripping over one another, so before anything turns into annoyances or disagreement, you want to put some guidelines in place. Talk about sitting room, and TV in his room.

Tell him to make absolutely sure that he doesn’t relay the message in any negative way to his girl, that ye absolutely love her etc, and that’s why ye want to make sure there’ll be no falling outs in the future.

Acknowledge this is an awkward discussion, but it’s kind of the start of you guys beginning to relate to one another as adults, dealing with adult topics.
Y everyone’s style is different I know, but in these kind of awkward conversation I’d be inclined to throw in something to lighten the mood like “look it, in 30 yr time, the shoe might be on the other foot, and I might be a MIl coming into your house, and you and your wife want to put some boundaries in place to make sure we all rub along nicely together”.

remind him that these are just typical adult topics that come up in lots of houses, and shure won’t we all figure it out if we’re all respectful of one another,

A tricky one, good luck!

[LucyS]

We have a similar thing going on here. DS and his gf spend a lot of time here. We're lucky in that we had a large garage renovated to a pool room/cinema/party type building and they tend to hang out there most of the time. It irks me sometimes when the pantry or freezer is raided and the air fryer is used (and not washed) and the others are looking for snacks and they've disappeared. My tolerance level is at an all-time low and I've already advised the others that there'll have to be a rota in place shortly!
I'm delighted and lucky for DS and the others to have refuge at hone, but I have limits that I thought I never had.

Tobo, as an aside, I think any of us here who have been following the saga of Captain Tom's family and their pool room in the last week are probably now mistakenly envisioning a huge pool and spa complex in your back garden.

[luxie]

I’m only throwing this out there as no advice otherwise…. Perhaps they feel they’re being respectful watching tv in the living room rather than the bedroom (with perhaps a closed door) in anyone thinks they’re doing more etc …. Especially with younger children around etc