How to help ***great update****

[GerryG]

I had no clue really were to post this but here goes.

I’m heart broken for my nephew who I caught up with at the weekend. He’s so sad and lonely

Just a bit of background, He’s a lovely lad, very quite, he’s 18 and doing an apprenticeship in a garage. He’s quite shy but very loyal once he gets to know you. In school friendships were always casual with that one friend he could rely on. My sister never worried about him as he never brought home trouble or complained.

Once school finished and exams etc his friend group dispersed a bit and he said they stopped inviting him places. They were all heading off to university and he had started his apprenticeship so their excuse was, they thought he’d be busy. My own DD1 took him along to the results night and took him to a few places he liked but she too went off to college and she said that when she brought him out he’d not have conversation with others or seemed out of place.

His social interactions are now work only he said and that the men he works with are all married with family’s. He doesn’t like smoking or mess acting and the other apprenticeship lads are not his kind of people. He said he tried to fit in but he’s just not that person.

His mum has a lot on her plate and he doesn’t want her to know how sad he is. I only got all this out of him when I commented about why he wouldn’t have joined DD1 down the pub Friday night as xyz friends were there. He said he doesn’t fit in, he’s no friends to talk to at all and when he makes a move to invite someone to do something they are always busy. He said he’s nothing to talk about other then his own work and no one is interested in that.

He admitted he went on tinder just to see could he find some one to talk to. My heart broke when he said this as that would have been huge for him. He said no one’s even interested on that either.

I said I’d try help him, I’d talk to his mum and just let her know that’s he’s a bit sad. He has a brother with a life limiting condition so a lot of his parents time as taken up with him, god love him he doesn’t want to burden them with something he feels as being trivial.

[ali]

Ah poor guy, I always feel about Ire that if your not into going down the pub you can be seen as odd... Was he sporty or interested in sport at all growing up, would he be interested in helping out with kids sports clubs, so dont have to be super sporty just good with kids and it could open a bit of a social circle for him as it would be a weekly meet up. Or any hobbies at all, or is he open to trying a nightcourse in anything that even vaguely interests him?

[GerryG]

He’s not sporty at all, Ali. Never was, his friend group in school was a mix and some played hurling.
He’s mad in to cars, that’s his hobby. He’s no friends that are in to the same interest so has no one to go to car shows with. I’d go with him but really I’m not cool enough. DD1 said she would go but knows it would be painful as he is so shy he won’t talk so she ends up making all the conversation plus people think they are a couple.

A night course would be great but he said only “olde ones” do those. You can’t win to be fair

[Shining]

Is there no car club or vintage car club nearby? I live in a rural town and there's a few around. I wonder if you posted on a local Facebook page you might get details of one.
Rally racing is popular round here and that might be something to marshall at or volunteer at.

[CocoRose]

I was going to suggest crossfit as it's a great community buzz in there, I remember a shy teen there looking to lose some weight and the banter was good with him and I felt like he came out of his shell over time.

It's a tough one isn't it. If he could find some niche group, to match in with his hobbies on facebook or something.

[Unnamed poster]

My suggestion is a bit of volunteer work maybe civil defence? Or wildlife conservation maybe. Is the mens shed thing suitable? I don't know much about it.

He sounds like a lovely sweet guy

Sent from my MAR-LX1A using Tapatalk

[GerryG]

He’s a lovely lad Unamed poster. Like what 18yr old pops to his Aunt for tea. He came to slag off our new electric car too so when he’s comfortable he can give the banter

Shining that’s an idea I hadn’t thought about. I know nothing of race tracks but the Galway rally is just finished and I had said to him sure he could have gone up and watched from the sides and offer to help out with his good experience.

I say he’d love a girl friend. He’s never been to a disco or a night club. He’d go to the pub but would need someone with him he trusts to not leave him. He had just started branching out as the pandemic came in full force, I think if it wasn’t for covid he’d not have been too bad

[Rita]

Do you think he has social anxiety or what is holding him back in friendships? I think it is hard when they leave school and loose those friendships as most are really acquaintances and go once you haven’t school in common
Would he look for a bike shed? They are like mens clubs but seem to do up bikes and would have all ages.

[Shining]

There are local rally clubs so there might be one nearby.

[GerryG]

Do you think he has social anxiety or what is holding him back in friendships? I think it is hard when they leave school and loose those friendships as most are really acquaintances and go once you haven’t school in common
Would he look for a bike shed? They are like mens clubs but seem to do up bikes and would have all ages.

I say he has social anxiety but saying that when I explained that DD2 has social anxiety he laughed and said she does not that it was an excuse.

His mannerisms are quite reserved and thinking back I said to my sister maybe you should have had him assessed but because he wasn’t ticking the boxes fully she just put it down to being like his dad! Who I will say is nice but even after knowing him 20yrs I could still never walk in there house and get immediate conversation from him

[honeybell]

Would he consider a martial arts class? They tend to very inclusive accepting environments and gets him out for a few hours a week. My experience with tai kwon do was very positive.

[Merrygoround20]

Some people just really struggle with change and adapting to new groups and making new friendships. My DD is very much like this and it’s a worry.
There is very little you can do for an 18 year old apart from research the clubs and really push this idea with him. Don’t let him just say no and drift. Ultimately you can’t make him do this stuff but he needs to understand that he has to help himself.
I don’t think night classes are the answer and car clubs may be a bit old. Would he consider rally driving ?
However others mentioned martial arts and CrossFit. From what I can see there is a great sense of community in these.
He had to want to do it and be open to making new friends

[purple star]

I know there are singles walking groups now where a big gang of single people go off hiking for the day and get to know each other... Maybe a bit young for those...
Mens shed, also waaayyy too young, they are mostly men 60+.
You sound like a lovely aunt and your dd a great cousin

[CLBG]

My heart goes out to him, the poor guy. A couple of resources I'd suggest would be:

www.turn2me.ie - they have support groups online (chat) and free one-to-one counselling also. The support groups would help him to feel less alone maybe - there are ones relating to managing low moods, anxiety, stress etc.

I can't recommend this course highly enough https://stresscontrol.ie/dates/ I have done it twice and found it so helpful. Lots of practical advice around stress/anxiety, problem-solving, social anxiety. It's all online. The next one is starting in March.

I would second the recommendations for martial arts. Ds was always v quiet, not sporty at all, and he liked the jiu jitsu club nearby. It was v inclusive, no messing allowed, and perfect for someone who would struggle in a team setting.

He's lucky to have you as an aunty and it's fantastic that he opened up to you.

[GerryG]

Ladies thanks so much for your replies, it’s good to know he’s not alone and there is avenues to making friends out there.

CLBG, fantastic resources there and definitely now I have him talking will get him to sign up for the anxiety management, in fact I’ll do it myself and get DD2 to sit in also!

I’m so glad he opened up to me. It felt very “tap” like once he managed to turn it on it kept flowing. He’s happy enough in that he’s not depressed etc he’s just lonely. He needs that one or two lads/girls that would go for chips with him or go for a drive.

He’d make such a good friend too