How to help ***great update****

[TCR]

It’s so hard to form friendships. The lockdown made it even harder. I think let him know he is one of thousands who are struggling to make friends. It’s nothing he did or didn’t do.
Outside my immediate family I don’t have a single friend I see regularly. And it’s lonely. The pandemic I think just made it easy to not try to put yourself out there.
He sounds great. Has a good understanding of himself. I really hope he finds his tribe.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[Grasscutter]

This is going to sound like a mad suggestion - but there's method to my madness. Get him to join Toastmasters - or at least check it out. Most local clubs are very friendly and welcoming and really it's about bursting that shyness bubble. Nothing wrong with being shy but he needs the confidence to start conversations. I'm suggesting it because I know someone shy and awkward who joined because he had to make presentations in his job. He's still shy and awkward but he LOVES his Toastmasters and he has far less anxiety in social situations now.
Also could there be a facebook group for the cars interest he could join - maybe some online chats would be easier?
I'd consider getting recommending the Jigsaw waiting list for counselling too - it's about 4 months where I live. Try as many different counselling avenues as possible, I'd tell him - he will find something that helps.
Bless him, my heart breaks for him. Loneliness is awful, but acute loneliness is worse than most physical illnesses IMO.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[Rita]

Thinking about it I really am not sure if I made any suggestions to my 18 year old he would listen or do it ..but the fact that you listened to him will have meant a huge thing to him.
Does he know other siblings of kids with life limiting conditions? I imagine that is quite tough for him too as well he has to grow up early as that’s not easy.

[Groucho]

This might not suit at all, but does he live rurally, or even semi-rurally? My friend's brothers, who were very very shy, joined Macra na Feirme back in the day and it was the making of them. Yes, it's a farming association but AFAIK they don't turn anyone away and it seems to be a really social organisation. It was a way for them of joining a group of young people who went away on trips, organised events, did fundraisers for charity etc and it seemed to be really welcoming of all members, even those as painfully shy as my friend's brothers. They both met their wives through it as it happens, but the main thing was that it really suited them

Failing that, the Order of Malta also seems to be a great way to meet people - a chap we know who would be fairly shy has made a great group of friends through this (between being on duty and social weekends away, he seems to be going somewhere all the time pre-Covid), and as you're volunteering and there's training and a reason/purpose, it might be a bit easier for him to turn up to than a social group.

It's really great that he confided in you - that must have taken a lot for him, but it says a lot about your relationship with him that he felt comfortable enough to say this to you.

[Goingagain]

My friends daughter attends Foroige and they have some great group activities and workshops and she has gained really great tools for dealing with her anxiety. I know he is on the older end of the scale, but it's local to your own community so he might meet people his age that live nearby. Wishing him all the best.

https://www.foroige.ie/our-work/foroige ... oige-clubs

[GerryG]

Ladies wow I can’t thank you all enough for replying

TCR, That’s what I was saying to him, so many are in the same situation it’s not only him. When DD1 moved away she found it very hard to settle, even now she’d say her college friends would be fair weather ones

3dollys, that’s a fantastic story. I’m delighted for your DD. She sounds like she is settled now which must be a lovely feeling for you both

Grasscutter, I’d had never thought of toastmasters for one minute but now you’ve said it I know a good few friends from school who took part. He works in a large town so I say that is definitely something to look in to further. He’s been to salthill Sundays a few times but sadly the times he went, there was messing with cars but I did find a “cars and coffee” event in Galway so I’ve messaged him that and roped in DD1 to go as wing girl

Rita, I think he came to me as we are very open in this house about mental wellbeing and how the world looks insta ready while the real world can be quite an ugly place.
His parents both would like to help him but he doesn’t like to trouble them. I’ve always been there to grab him before he falls and we say nothing of it after

Groucho, well! don’t I live beside Macra’s greatest love story lol
My lovely neighbours met in macra in the 1990’s. I wouldn’t have a clue if we’ve a local one but I bet there is! Though I think he might laugh at me when I suggest it
Not sure on the order of Malta but he mentioned to me he’s been asked to do a defibrillator course as the local defibrillator is at his work premises and no one else volunteered, so that might open a door

Goingagain, Unfortunately no foroige in this area as I had looked it to it for DD2. It’s a great set up for meeting new people. DD1 was a girl guide and then a leader

[purple star]

He sounds just lovely and it's lovely of you to look out for him. I hope he finds his tribe soon.

[Avymoo]

Would he contact some of his old friends on an individual basis and tell them he misses them / feeling a bit low. Some of them might be in the same boat - keeping up the college persona but missing their past. Too often you hear "if only he'd said something" and sometimes people don't notice really either without being overtly told. I always say to DD1 (who is ultra quiet too) that if you are the quiet one, sometimes you are the forgotten one even though people don''t mean to be. A few friends of mine have gone abroad by themselves and had to join the gaa clubs overseas even though they had zero interest in it just to meet people. Or a 5 a side football game etc. In DH's home town the rallying is huge if if he is into that and always looking out for helpers etc. And before you know it, you have new friends. Or what about one of those evening courses in something he has an interest in.

[Radar]

Ladies wow I can’t thank you all enough for replying

TCR, That’s what I was saying to him, so many are in the same situation it’s not only him. When DD1 moved away she found it very hard to settle, even now she’d say her college friends would be fair weather ones

3dollys, that’s a fantastic story. I’m delighted for your DD. She sounds like she is settled now which must be a lovely feeling for you both

Grasscutter, I’d had never thought of toastmasters for one minute but now you’ve said it I know a good few friends from school who took part. He works in a large town so I say that is definitely something to look in to further. He’s been to salthill Sundays a few times but sadly the times he went, there was messing with cars but I did find a “cars and coffee” event in Galway so I’ve messaged him that and roped in DD1 to go as wing girl

Rita, I think he came to me as we are very open in this house about mental wellbeing and how the world looks insta ready while the real world can be quite an ugly place.
His parents both would like to help him but he doesn’t like to trouble them. I’ve always been there to grab him before he falls and we say nothing of it after

Groucho, well! don’t I live beside Macra’s greatest love story lol
My lovely neighbours met in macra in the 1990’s. I wouldn’t have a clue if we’ve a local one but I bet there is! Though I think he might laugh at me when I suggest it
Not sure on the order of Malta but he mentioned to me he’s been asked to do a defibrillator course as the local defibrillator is at his work premises and no one else volunteered, so that might open a door

Goingagain, Unfortunately no foroige in this area as I had looked it to it for DD2. It’s a great set up for meeting new people. DD1 was a girl guide and then a leader

I can assure him from personal experience that The Order of Malta is a great option for meeting people, gaining confidence and meeting the love of your life ……DH and I met through The Order of Malta back in the day and we had dozens of friends who ended up marrying each other. DS1 is very involved in our local unit and has a bunch of really good friends through their activities. DS3 has also recently become more involved and is enjoying the first responder training and drills with Dublin Mountain Rescue.. Voluntary organisations like them are always looking for new members and it can be a great way to meet new people while also performing an important community service . Technically minded people like your nephew always have a role as there is a lot of equipment and vehicles to be maintained and plenty of drills and training sessions. There are very good units in the Galway area. It’s definitely worth a try.

[Goingagain]

Just see you are in Galway, what about Wildlands in Moycullen wonder if they do group activities or even looking for part time workers coming into summer, always a great way of meeting new friends.

Hope the coffee and car event works out.

[Shoes]

I can't recommend this course highly enough https://stresscontrol.ie/dates/ I have done it twice and found it so helpful. Lots of practical advice around stress/anxiety, problem-solving, social anxiety. It's all online. The next one is starting in March.

can I ask how you signed up for this? All I can see is the list of dates. When I go in and click on register it's looking for payment of €22

[potter28]

I can't recommend this course highly enough https://stresscontrol.ie/dates/ I have done it twice and found it so helpful. Lots of practical advice around stress/anxiety, problem-solving, social anxiety. It's all online. The next one is starting in March.

can I ask how you signed up for this? All I can see is the list of dates. When I go in and click on register it's looking for payment of €22

I watched the video and it sounds great. I sent the link to ds who has similar struggles even though he has some friends.

There are great suggestions for joining clubs but that doesn't necessarily work with people with social anxiety as they just can't make conversation needed to get to know others. ds has this problem. He is a little older than GerryG's nephew and we have tried lots of things but making small talk is just awkward and painful.

[orchid]

Just saw your post @GerryG
Your poor nephew! It's great he was able to tell you how he's feeling.

I would definitely recommend Macra na Feirme. Theres clubs all over including cities - lots in Galway. Its a social club rather than a farming club. Any club would welcome him with open arms! It's been the making of so so many in the exact same position.

Also Google Coffee and Cars. There might be a meet up nearby coming up.

If he's into rallying maybe there and club nearby he could join and do courses and maybe help marshall at events.

Hopefully he will find his tribe x