Daughter relationship

[RedHen]

I'd also be concerned that she could be going through some sort of mental health crisis. The overreaction to what she heard in the bedroom is unusual. You must be worried sick, OP. Could your sister try again to talk to her?

[Rita]

I would also take a step back as currently she has decided something and begging is not going to make her change her mind.
She must have been young leaving school if 19 in 3rd year and then lockdown happened and everything changed.
You know she is safe particularly with your sister during the week so for now not much else you can do.
Will she need to talk to you if she is doing a 4th year in college to get her grant?

Her reactions to things aren’t normal ...I mean of course she didn’t want to hear you having sex, who does really when it’s their parents , but it would just go unmentioned as one of those things that happens. Has anything happened in her past to cause this reaction?

You can say to her you will back off for now but are always here if needed and let it be. Perhaps get counselling for yourself.

[Sad mum]

There’s not a thing I can think of to make her react this way . The trigger seemed to be me asking the boyfriend why he didn’t acknowledge us . As I said they had both ignored dh and I simply asked them not to do that . He was a guest in my home and I thought it was wrong he ignored dh . I was putting up with it all along but that day just annoyed me . It wasn’t an argument, I just asked them both to be more polite but he took offence and never stayed here again .
Then the sex issue happened and it just escalated from there . I text her 2 days before xmas to see was she coming home and she said she wouldn’t feel comfortable spending time with us . She is being so hurtful, and she knows it because my sister told her I wasn’t coping very well and she still didn’t contact me or her dad .
She’s been so happy all along , great bunch of friends etc, happy with her course .
Herself and the boyfriend were always happy together when they were here , as I said , he took offence at me asking him why he didn’t say hello and then it all took off from there .

[Zaleemy]

Was your daughter abused? Her reaction to hearing you having sex is not normal at all.

She could have fed them false stories and that would be why the parents and boyfriend are hateful towards you, I do know of a family that had similar with one of their daughters but that doesn’t explain the weird reaction to overhearing you. Did she ever tell you why that upset her so much?

[Shining]

I think his family come across as completely dysfunctional. I wouldn't go roaring at someone who called to my door looking to speak with their daughter; plus life has taught me that there are two sides to every story etc.
The boyfriend not speaking to you in your own home? What happened to being polite to your girlfriend's family?
Again my heart goes out to you.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

You poor thing OP. This is absolutely heartbreaking. A very bizarre reaction over parents having sex from a 19 year old. What was your relationship like before she met her boyfriend? Her boyfriend and his parents verbally abusing you at their door is horrendous. Surely, they should be encouraging her to speak with you and your DH???

[Marigold]

God I really feel for you reading your latest posts. That is not normal behaviour from her boyfriend, not even acknowledging you and your dh in your own home, huge red flag right there.

[Groucho]

You poor thing, that sounds absolutely horrendous. You've had great advice. One other thing I was wondering - could you chat to her friends to see what their impressions are. Is she blanking them too, freezing them out, being distant to them, or do they feel she has changed? What do they think of this boyfriend? I would only do this if there's a friend you know well, who you could speak to in confidence, and who you could rely on not to relay your conversation back to your DD. Like the others, it sounds like either a controlling relationship, or else that she has bigged up some slight (real or imagined) to her boyfriend and his family, to the point where they think you are monstrous. A chat with the friends to see their perspective of the relationship might help to determine which it is. I really feel for you. My mother's friend has been through something like this and it is the most upsetting thing.

[Sad mum]

I don’t know her friends well enough to chat to them , well I know one girl but I think she would tell dd if I spoke to her . It was very bizarre how she reacted to hearing us . She was really annoyed and I laughed it off when she said it which made her worse . She said I laughed at her and didn’t respect her feelings .
I feel now she’s just looking for excuses not to talk to us or come home . It’s really horrible. I miss her so much . I’ve post here again for her so had to text but she either leave it or just walk in , collect it and leave .

[Kensington]

I wouldn't talk to her friends tbh. I also wouldn't be bothered texting her about her post. I might text her something to stay in touch but I wouldn't be bothered providing any services for her when she has no problem treating you like this. You don't actually have to do anything for her. It might be an idea to just stop and see whether she needs you before you need her which is what I suspect will happen. She is taking an awful lot for granted in you. I'm sorry - probably not going to give any decent advice to you at all but I am actually angry on your behalf.

[StarryNight]

Leave her post. If its important, let her face the consequences of missing it. She's decided not to live with you right now, so you need to treat anything that comes for her as though its come to the wrong address. Leave it in her room or wherever else you won't have to see it.
I also wouldn't try to talk to her friends. That could make things worse.
Has your DH been in touch with her at all? I think I'd get him to send one final message saying she knows where you are if she needs you and leave it at that for a week or so.
And then be there for her when hopefully the rude boyfriend and his aggressive parents are out of the picture.

[DiscoGirl]

I would text her and let her know there is post there for her , either you or your dh
Not doing so is almost like a stand off between you both, right now you don’t need that , she is your daughter, you are her mother
You feel she is in the wrong,, she feels you are , I wouldn’t be making a bigger bridge, but equally wouldn’t be all over her

[Dnwa]

I've seen a few sides of girls

1. Totally unhinged, sloppy, victim's around friends and so together when family is around.

I wouldn't be pinning to much on him and look at ok what is being said for all these people to react .

Tell your sister to stop talking to her about you because its adding drama to her story .

If you feel you need to speak with his parents or her friend's to get a better understanding of whats going on do it for your own sanity , what she gonna do , stop talking to you !

[docmcstuffins]

Really didn't want to read and not reply. I have no advice to add to the above. I have a 19 year old daughter too. Please, please look after yourself in all this.

[mcmammy2]

Maybe get some professional help. To be honest this is a delicate situation and doing the wrong thing no matter how well intentioned could make this situation worse. I don't know what the right thing to do here is and lots of advice is being given which all seems good but may be perceived differently by your daughter. You could try parentline or a counsellor to help you unpick everything and decide what to do. While I do think the boyfriend and his family show bad or dysfunctional behaviour there may be more to all of this that may have led her to him or she may be having some sort of crisis it is too difficult to determine the right path from the information given.