heymammy.com

Documentation process started.

He's gone from not really getting that it's over to spending all day with a female work colleague and making plans for dinner with her. I'm vaguely amused by this.

Have found out when he was caught drink driving and what the reading was. He'll get an automatic 3 year ban.

Done wrote: ↑Wed Jan 19, 2022 11:52 pm Documentation process started.

He's gone from not really getting that it's over to spending all day with a female work colleague and making plans for dinner with her. I'm vaguely amused by this.

Have found out when he was caught drink driving and what the reading was. He'll get an automatic 3 year ban.

I have no idea of the alcohol reading to ban ratio but I'm guessing that it was quite high to get an automatic 3 year ban?
I also guess that he is desperately trying to either make you jealous or show you what a catch he is!
Good luck with everything and as they say on mumsnet, grey rock him. Every time he says or does something inflammatory, just react calmly and rationally. Keep taking note of everything. Take care.

Also think it's no harm for you to document who does what on a daily basis with children. Just to show a consistent pattern over a week or two. Including chores such as washing clothes, meals etc. To really show who is the primary carer.

In fairness to him, he does more of the day to day stuff but that is now completely negated by the fact that he can't be trusted not to get drunk and fall asleep or worse, drive.

I will start documenting what I do though.

I would never have thought that even if splitting up I would have had to take these measures, but it seems that the internal conflict he has about the type of person he sees himself as and the person the drink has turned him into, us making him lash out and turn nasty.

Well there you have it -if you can remember dates when he was drunk/fell asleep write it down and keep recording it. Also document any lashing out and nastiness.

Unfortunately you may need to prepare yourself for the nastiness - never underestimate how nasty a partner can get. I actually struggled to understand it myself but there's no point. It just is.

Done wrote: ↑Thu Jan 20, 2022 11:02 am In fairness to him, he does more of the day to day stuff but that is now completely negated by the fact that he can't be trusted not to get drunk and fall asleep or worse, drive.

I will start documenting what I do though.

I would never have thought that even if splitting up I would have had to take these measures, but it seems that the internal conflict he has about the type of person he sees himself as and the person the drink has turned him into, us making him lash out and turn nasty.

Alcoholics often blame others for their addiction and try to turn things around onto those closest to them (in my experience).

It is not easy separating from a long term partner but it is worse to stay and have regrets. Children are always aware of the tension regardless of how much we, as parents, try to shield them from it.

If his problem with alcohol deteriorates after you split then that is not your fault so please do not think like that.

Wishing you and your children the very best for the future.

but it seems that the internal conflict he has about the type of person he sees himself as and the person the drink has turned him into, us making him lash out and turn nasty.

I think you've nailed it here. All this talk of you being aggressive and him being the primary caregiver - even the heading off to meet a colleague - are all part of him lying to himself about what he is and what the drink has done to him. best of luck to you in keeping notes, staying calm and better days ahead.

Good stuff: He has fecked off for a couple of days (with his work colleague!) and I've his number blocked so he can't annoy me. I've told my boss and my sister.

Bad stuff:He's due back on Saturday and I don't know what to expect. I'm really struggling today - lots of tears. Not for the relationship breakdown as such, but the uncertainty, fear.

Hopefully your sister and boss can help support you.

Has he arrived back yet?

Good luck with today. I know the anxiety and fear of the unknown is awful.
Just get through every day. While preparing things like the financial side of things etc is vital, try not to look too far ahead. None of us know what will happen tomorrow let alone next year, we would drive ourselves mad trying to predict the future.
So, get through today step by step, just be as calm as you can be around him. He will probably try to provoke you by either ignoring you or goading you. Just be as calm as you can be and then let off steam either here or to the people you have told.
Remember you are going to be free of him soon and it will get better.

Is he having a relationship with his work colleague?

He arrived back Friday evening, much to my surprise. He was sober. Offered an apology for the previous day. I refused it.

He is acting as normal as possible today. It's disconcerting. I am biting my tongue a lot and while not being friendly, I am civil.

I am fairly sure he is starting a relationship with his colleague, who is 20 years his junior. He hasn't been single in 30 years, so her interest is arriving at a perfect time for him.

Try not to let his work colleague distract you from main issues. If he came back a day earlier than expected it may not have gone well anyway.

Are you ok with him being in the house?

He seems to be following the age old script if you don't mind me saying that.
Remain civil- I did a course before for parenting post separation where it was advised to imagine or treat them like a professional colleague, stick to the facts, don't rise to their bait etc ...
Hope you are getting support, even an ear to phone means a lot.
Keep going xx

It might be worth applying for a protection order if you fear things could get nasty, doesn’t have to be physical but verbal too. This gives the guards so many more powers in a domestic dispute that aren’t open to them without it. He can still live there but if any abuse you ring the guards and he’s arrested immediately, no need to explain it all to the guards again and again which is exhausting. It’s quite a quick process. PM if you want to know more.


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