Was going to go anon

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tea
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Was going to go anon

#1 Post by tea »

I was going to go anon but the I'm too shaken to bother.
My son who turns 12 this week texted me in the middle of the night to say he has been watching porn for the past 6 months. He said it was weighing on his mind and he wanted to admit it.

I am so shocked and so upset. I feel I have failed as a parent. I know what is out there in terms of porn through areas of my work and so on and I'm terrified as to what he might have been watching.
I am sad that his young mind has been trying to compute these videos as if they are normal sexual experiences without ever having actually experienced a real life kiss never mind a sexual experience.

Help. I'm flailing at the minute. I want to reassure him we love him But explain this not how normal relationships work and maybe buy him some brain bleach.
Girls please help me.

Mrs Yarn
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Re: Was going to go anon

#2 Post by Mrs Yarn »

I’m sorry I have no advice but just wanted to point out that you are definitely on the right track if he felt ok to tell you.

anothermum
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Re: Was going to go anon

#3 Post by anothermum »

It's great that he feels he can tell you this and he has probably been dreading telling you. It would be worth finding out why he decided to watch these in the first place. I think it's more normal than you think for kids to be curious about their sexuality and access to this type of stuff is easier than asking parents. Our generation did not have access to those videos but I can remember lots looking at the top shelf in some newsagents.

I would thank him for telling you, say that being curious about sex is normal for his age but that these videos are like movies / facebook pictures, they are not real life and not what sex is like in a real loving relationship. Tell him you are there if he has questions about sex/ sexuality, would he like you to get him a book etc.

I know he is very young but he is telling you which is great.
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ali
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Re: Was going to go anon

#4 Post by ali »

tea, been there about a year ago with ds and was a similar age. He had only been looking for about a week or two, I would routinely have a look at his search history and just one of the nights sitting on the couch as usual I started looking at his history and all these sites came up. It is awful upsetting, I went through his laptop history and looked at some of the videos. For me I had to do that just to make sure there was just porn (if you can say just porn...) and nothing violent or animals...I know this sounds awful but you have to check to see what he was watching. For ds it was videos of men and women having sex and women using sex toys...so I suppose for me it was a little relief to know it was nothing totally horrendous.

So what we did was dh sat him down for a good few chats to explain how porn is not how sex is in a committed loving partnership, that porn is paid for entertainment. Also took his laptop and cleared and put blocks on all sites we could find that had been accessed. Also laptop use was kept purely for downstairs, nothing in the bedroom.

I think a lot of boys that age are talking about sex with their friends, then you have the guys who have older brothers who think they know it all...

A year on, we have had no incidences since, its very hard conversation to have as you dont want to make sex look like a dirty secret to them but you do have to make them understand that porn is not real life and that it is a business and its a business of in many cases where people are being used and made do things for money as they are in desperate situations.

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Re: Was going to go anon

#5 Post by janeymac »

I'm so sorry Tea. What an awful thing to happen to your child. Of course you're devastated.
I have no advice except that parenthood is a long journey and unfortunately really crap things happen sometimes and to us and our actual real children, not just to others.
You are not alone and many of us will face situations with our children that will sadden us. I think along with all the joy children bring, there is often sadness and disappointment too because we can't control everything in their world. You definitely haven't failed as a parent.
You will get through it all. So will your boy. You will keep going and move on from where you are.
He is still the same boy and you are still the same parent who lives him.
I would also think it is good that he told you and you know now. There are probably a lot of parents who don't know their children are watching porn.
Look after yourselves.
Last edited by janeymac on Wed Apr 01, 2020 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Was going to go anon

#6 Post by Incognito »

anothermum wrote:It's great that he feels he can tell you this and he has probably been dreading telling you. It would be worth finding out why he decided to watch these in the first place. I think it's more normal than you think for kids to be curious about their sexuality and access to this type of stuff is easier than asking parents. Our generation did not have access to those videos but I can remember lots looking at the top shelf in some newsagents.

I would thank him for telling you, say that being curious about sex is normal for his age but that these videos are like movies / facebook pictures, they are not real life and not what sex is like in a real loving relationship. Tell him you are there if he has questions about sex/ sexuality, would he like you to get him a book etc.

I know he is very young but he is telling you which is great.
Great advice there. And also explain that you will obviously have to put stricter restrictions on his devices to make sure they're more age appropriate.
I think it's incredibly sweet that he told you and he is still your same innocent little boy.

CLBG
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Re: Was going to go anon

#7 Post by CLBG »

Tea, isn't it great that he told you. Have you talked to him yet to understand the 'weighing on his mind' piece? Is this because he felt deep down that porn is wrong, or is it because he saw stuff that was weighing on his mind? Open conversations are so important in all of this, ensuring that he continues to feel comfortable telling you this stuff, and then making sure that the necessary controls are in place to manage what he can see.

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Re: Was going to go anon

#8 Post by Incognito »

Sorry for coming back but I think it's actually such a brave thing your ds did, remarkable from such a young kid and really demonstrates the trust he has in you. He probably told you to clear his conscience and to make sure he can't access it again so I guess you've some unpicking to do with him to ensure he doesn't feel bad.
I can imagine the shock and hope you'll be ok soon.
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Re: Was going to go anon

#9 Post by JEF »

https://www.mamamia.com.au/talking-to-k ... zVr24Ri.99

Read this a few years ago and thought it was great. Might be some help in it for you.

Lady Madonna
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Re: Was going to go anon

#10 Post by Lady Madonna »

you have absolutely not failed as a parent. The fact that he was able to tell you proves the opposite.
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Re: Was going to go anon

#11 Post by Unnamed poster »

I think you are a wonderful parent doing a great job.
All the advice above sounds spot on

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kahlan
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Re: Was going to go anon

#12 Post by kahlan »

Tea, I have been there. Ds1 was about the same age and he told me because he felt so upset with himself for watching it and he felt he needed help to get out of the habit. He found it almost addictive and wanted to stop. But he knew he needed me to take charge for him. It's great that your lad is telling you. Have the chat and put the controls in place for him. My ds is 16 now. No lasting harm that I know of! I feel bad that I was so clueless at the time that he got easy access but lesson learned and boundaries tightened. Talk with your son and check in with him about it over the next while. Unfortunately it's a powerful thing and can draw them back so be careful...there are so many devices they can access it on including xbox etc. Best of luck and remember the positive...he told you first.

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Re: Was going to go anon

#13 Post by RDR »

This isn't you failing as a parent - and how brilliant is it that he felt he could tell you? That speaks volumes about you as a parent. And the fact that he isn't comfortable with what he has been doing/viewing also proves that you've already given him a good compass around this stuff.

There are some good resources out there about dealing with this situation, how to talk to him etc He may currently equate sex with what he has seen but a lot of what you can do is around talking to him about why that is not the case, and why he is better staying away from stuff that presents very abnormal/unusual/unrealistic sexual behaviours. He can absolutely get beyond this.

Kensington
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Re: Was going to go anon

#14 Post by Kensington »

I think you are a fantastic parent - you've reared a son who knew that this stuff isn't right and trusted you enough to tell you. All the advice has been brilliant.

The thing is, these kids have the equivalent of a library of porn at the end of their fingertips. At that age I was so curious about sex that I doubt I'd have been able to resist a look - and then you get sucked in. I suspect an awful lot of young teens are watching some scary stuff. Part of my conversations with ds (now an adult) have been that porn isn't real, it isn't necessarily normal, it can desensitise you to real-life sexual experiences and men and women in real life shouldn't be expected to behave like porn stars.

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Re: Was going to go anon

#15 Post by Flux »

Do not want to trivialise this, but any chance he's playing an April Fool's joke?

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