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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:07 pm 
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I had a very close friend for 20 years. We had our ups and downs. 6 years ago- about this time of the year actually, she cut me off.
I was never quite sure what I did, although I could hazard a guess.
- I forgot to invite her to my dad’s removal ( genuine mistake, I was all over the shop and my other pals called me and invited themselves iykwim)
- Stuff from the past that had built up around differences in parenting and so on; nothing major but maybe a build up? Coupled with rows we had in the past maybes (I’m talking when we were teens- I let her down a few times)
- I had lost a lot of weight and I think it bothered her- there was were similar episodes in the past.

I’m absolutely terrible with letting go of people. I hang on and on.

She sent me a card for a big birthday and vice versa and I met her mum once who basically said she wasn’t interested in a friendship but I should contact her?!?

Anyway, I often think of her. Today I sent her a message as I had seen something that reminded me strongly of her. She replied but it was all very bland.

I don’t feel I have anything to apologize for, well no more than she did for cutting me when I was grieving.

Am I being too sentimental? Or am I being too proud?
I feel sad that our kids will never know one another and that we can’t unwind he pst to change that.
I don’t want to reach out to be rejected.

I don’t know what to do, but I just wish I could get people out of my head more easily.

Not really sure what I am asking tbh :jumo: :crazy1:


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:18 pm 
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Never mind the fear of rejection.

If there is something niggling you, you could contact her with something along the lines of this:

Hi Mary, often think of you and wondering how you and the kids are getting on. Hope all is good with you?
If you ever feel like a catch up for old times sake, feel free give me a shout. Would love to catch up.
Take care.

No apology, no offer to “talk out” previous issues,or perceived issues.
Just a friendly offer to catch up.
If she ignores it, grand.
If she replies, grand.

But you won’t be left wondering “what if I had ever offered to meet up”


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:38 pm 
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I think you offered a hand of peace and by her answer, she is not interested. I would leave it at that.
I think it might not be that she still holds anything against you. It's just sometimes too much water has gone under the bridge iykwim?
Sometime it's better to remember the great friendship you had than to try resurrect it. Things just change and people are often happy to leave the past where it is.
I have 2 friends trying to resurrect a friendship after years in a bit similar circumstances to you. They were great childhood friends yet their children don't know eachother. My particular friend is sad and likes her old friend but so much has happened in intervening years that they don't know about eachother that it's an effort. They keep in touch with an odd text but meetings are hard. My friend goes between thinking they might meet up to thinking is it all worth the effort...
So if I were you, I wouldn't keep pushing it unfortunately. Your friend might end up pushing you away in a more direct hurtful way.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:42 pm 
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I would be guided by Elsa


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:47 pm 
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If she cut you off after your dad died then imo you've dodged a bullet not having her in your life. That's pretty vile behaviour and would be a deal breaker for me. Invest in people more worthy of your time and attention.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:02 pm 
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I suppose the bit that jumped out at me was 'i forgot to invite her to my fathers removal'. Nobody needs an invite to go to someones removal unless the death notice said family only. Friends should just be there regardless of whether they were invited or not. The fact that it looks like she wasn't there for you and choose to be upset because of something you did at the time says to me that you are better off without her in your life. Now that's hard to do at times but I think she's had her chance.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:05 pm 
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Incognito wrote:
I would be guided by Elsa



I scrolled up to see what Elsa said :lol:

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:19 pm 
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HeyJude wrote:
I suppose the bit that jumped out at me was 'i forgot to invite her to my fathers removal'. Nobody needs an invite to go to someones removal unless the death notice said family only. Friends should just be there regardless of whether they were invited or not. The fact that it looks like she wasn't there for you and choose to be upset because of something you did at the time says to me that you are better off without her in your life. Now that's hard to do at times but I think she's had her chance.


I’m just surmising. She did mention that to me at the time.
TBH I have no real idea. I would say # 2 is probably closer to the truth.

I know I should Elsa but I’m really awful at letting people go. Childhood trauma probably.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:04 pm 
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I have never heard of anyone being invited to a removal. In Ireland you just go.

I think you have done what you could and she just isn't interested in resuming the friendship. It could be that she feels slightly guilty herself at dropping you after your dad died.

One way to look at it is not that it is a friendship gone wrong but that you had 20 years of a good friendship and now it is over but those 20 years were still good and worth it.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:30 pm 
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To me you sending her the message today was you reaching out, hate that term but in this context it's correctly used, and you got your answer, if she wanted to take it further then the ball was in her court but it looks like she isn't interested.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:38 pm 
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Another here that wondered about the Elsa comment, was totally lost on me for a while. :think:


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:52 pm 
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From what you’ve said, move on, or let it go!!
I had a long term school pal, we had a cycle of fallout /make up, she is a very intense character. Anyway after 20 years we had a blow out, and enough was enough. A year later she contacted me to make up, I was firm this time and said I held no grudge but wasn’t interested in a friendship. It’s about 18months now and I’m hopefully she won’t make contact again. I think it’s really hard, but you need to put it aside in your head.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 5:26 pm 
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I think its more like you feel so unresolved in the situation thats making you want to hang in there . On the hope that if you get to chat about it all that she will see it was a silly miss understanding .

The fact she expected some form of a personal invite to your dads removal tells me straight off that she is a very self entitled Selfish Diva !
That was not your place to do so and this is not your issue its hers !


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 5:52 pm 
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DiscoGirl wrote:
Incognito wrote:
I would be guided by Elsa



I scrolled up to see what Elsa said :lol:


:)

I couldn't find a singing smiley!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2020 5:44 pm 
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you need to let it go.

I had a friend like that (our parents were best friends) so we were together as long as I remember, through schools etc. Alot of petty things happened but when I was 24 she did something (no huge deal) but I just thought enough. I don't want her in my life. We still text each other on birthdays and if we bump into each other we will chat but I wont' go any further despite her reaching out once or twice. Im just not interested anymore. I wish her no ill will, just I have my own lift now and circle and don't want her in it. Maybe she feels the same?

And you don't need to invite someone to a removal - if she wanted to she would have just come. You text her, she could have jumped on that to open up a gate to friendship she chose not to. You shouldn't do anymore

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