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Does you dd think you should do anything? Has she or any other friends spoke with the girl about their reservations of her boyfriend?

Vino wrote:Does you dd think you should do anything? Has she or any other friends spoke with the girl about their reservations of her boyfriend?

This is same as I was thinking.
Its important that you have a good relationship with your dd and that she can tell you these things.
You will have to follow her lead as her friend is 18 , an adult, and youre not that close to the parents.

Deise wrote:I'm depressed reading the replies. I wouldn't enjoy receiving the message were it my dd, but in the long run I'd appreciate it.

I agree. These girls are still in school, being supported and cared for by parents. I know that at 18 they are adults but would the replies be any different if they were 17. You don't just change into a responsible adult overnight once you turn 18.

I do think it's a tough one though as you obviously have a good relationship with your daughter and you don't want to jeopardise that. I would ask her if she is very worried about her friend and if she would like some help in figuring out how best to help her friend.

Could you ask your daughter what to do? She might agree that you say something to the parents. She sounds worried about her friend herself.

Thanks for all the comments . Dd doesn't think her friend will get involved with the drugs part , they are a wise bunch normally, but can't understand what she sees in him , she and 2 other friends have said to her to cop on basically and not be around him, but theres really no telling them at that age.
Still pondering over what to do if anything, as someone above said my priority is to my daughter and she tells me this stuff, tells me too much at times!! And I want that to continue. But at the same time if it was the other way around I'd want to know. Hopefully it will fizzle our over the summer when they are back to school.

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I really don't know. Negotiating the drugs issue is something that a lot of kids will need to learn to deal with as it will cross their paths. As you see, it is crossing your dd's path now so I would be concentrating my efforts on encouraging her not to experiment.

I just can't imagine how you can rock up to people that you don't know well telling them that their daughter is seeing a drug dealer.
If the guy in question has a bad reputation locally, surely the parents already know?
It could be just a passing thing that fizzles out and goes nowhere and causing a huge stir about it all may not be the best cause of action in the long run including for your dd if there is fall out from it all.
After all, at the moment all that's happened is that your dd's friend has an unsavory casual boyfriend. I wouldn't consider a friend's mother has a role to intervene at this point anyway.

molson wrote:Should I say something? Her friend is 18 so technically an adult but still a child in my mind.. do i say it to her parents ? And I have no proof other than what dd confides in me so afraid of the backlash also

I think the answer, as with lots of questions, is “it depends”

It depends on...what does your daughter think?...how well do you know the parents?...how do you think they will react to this kind of approach?.... will they deal with the topic discretely without getting your DD involved or blow it up into massive situation?..what’s the other girl like?... will the parents appreciate a discrete “heads up” or see it as interfering?.... Etc etc.

Lots of my friends and acquaintances have kids this age, and I’d say it to some, and not to others.

My kids are awhile away from 18 but I know that I would like to know once they turn 18 if there any issues/problems. Having said that I know it would depend on who said it to me. Already there are 1 or 2 parents who I wouldn't receive it from well but that's based on current experiences and their version of truth and mine differ a lot.

As others have suggested have you asked your DD if she would like your help with her friend e.g. talking to parents or what would she like from you apart from listening if anything. Also talk talk and talk again about drugs to your own DD. How do you think based on the past that the parents would receive this news from you? It's a difficult one and like Deise I feel a bit depressed about the replies here that she's 18 and technically an adult etc. Yes she is but she's also still a child finding her way in the world and still in school so not out in the world on her own. Reading some replies it would seem as if once your child turns 18 then it's hands off and they are on their own.

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Your husband is right. I would keep well out of it. Treating 18 year olds like adults and respecting your daughter’s trust is not the same thing as ‘not caring’ or ‘hands off’. I’ve seen that said before on another thread about a poster organising parties and holidays for an 18 year old. You can’t treat this in the same way as you would if they were younger. That’s just a fact. You can’t control everything. Chances are this will all fizzle out once the girls are back in school and knuckling down to the Leaving Cert. The parents might well be taking the view that this will run its course and by wading in and forbidding her to see him they run the risk of pushing her further into his arms and making him seem even more attractive.

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molson wrote:I suppose because they are only going into 6th year in September I'm not seeing them as adults yet.. dh says to stay well out of it but If it was my daughter id want to know. Dd said it is now cheaper to buy an ecstasy tablet at €5 than to buy alcohol . That's really scary and shocking.

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Absolutely none of your business. Stay well out of it., What purpose will it serve if you tell her parents? You will be seen as an interfering parent and your own DD will be mortified.
There is lots of things as parents that we want to know but are better off not knowing at all otherwise we would never sleep.

Does your daughter think you should tell them? Her answer would guide my decision.

3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".

If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.

Magpie wrote:

3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".

If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.

Do you not think that your 18 year old son or daughter should be able to see that themselves? If my DD has gotten to 18 and doesn't know the dangers of drug taking then I would feel that I had failed at a big part of parenting.Thing about being 18 is you presume you are invincible.