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PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2018 10:34 pm 
My parent is in hospital and will going to a nursing home. They are safer there. They are calm and content and well cared for in hospital. Yet I cannot make peace with it. I keep crying. I am so sad for my parent that we cannot keep them at home, the hone they worked so hard for. I am heartbroken and feel like I've abandoned them. I can't sleep but when I do I wake up in tears again convinced something has happened and no one will notice. I am due to go on holiday soon and I don't want to go as it will mean there'll be days that there's no one to visit. Does it get easier?


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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 7:37 am 
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Bump.

Im sorry you're going through this x

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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 8:11 am 
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I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about this. Everything gets easier with time and so will this. It is different to the situation I was in but I think there is a sense of mourning in what you're feeling. There's a loss of a stage of your parents life, for them and for you. There's a facing of the mortality of your parent. There's a sadness that they can't stay at home. But on the other hand you know that this is the right decision - that they are safe, content, calm, well-cared for. When it comes down to it that's what we want for our loved ones - and that is what they want. Give it time, focus on what they are getting out of being cared for. Consider that the time you can spend with them is time with them, and not time trying to do practical things. For your holiday have you considered former neighbours or old friends of your parent? You could even arrange for a taxi to bring them to visit. Cast your net wide - people will be happy to help. Take care of you. x


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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 11:47 am 
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Sorry to hear this. From our experience with mil it does get easier. It took dh a while to accept it but he realised she needed 24 hour nursing care, and that the family weren't equipped to meet her needs despite their best attempts.
After a while the nursing home becomes their home.a their room their own. If mil had stayed at home I doubt she would've had so many comfortable years and still be alive. I expect she would've been in and out of hospital for the minor infections she's prone to frequently and would've ended up contracting something worse and the trauma of frequent A&E visits would've taken it's toll.
This way she's able to be usually treated in home, the staff know the signs and early intervention happens.

Go and enjoy your holiday, it sounds like you need it. You can ring to speak to your mother and she'll have plenty of company even on the days no-one can call.


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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 11:53 am 
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One thing to watch out for and it breaks my heart every time is them asking can they come home or when they're coming home. FIL is in nursing home since January and every time myself, DH or MIL goes to see him he asks us when is he coming home.

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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 4:33 pm 
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RDR wrote:
For your holiday have you considered former neighbours or old friends of your parent? You could even arrange for a taxi to bring them to visit. Cast your net wide - people will be happy to help. Take care of you. x



This sounds like a great idea... i'm sure that people would be willing to commit to one visit each, knowing that it's exceptional while your parent is settling into the home and you're away... i'm sure that almost everyone could imagine themselves in the same situation... get scheduling, it will put your mind at ease

Enjoy your holiday safe in the knowledge that your parent is being properly looked after in your absence... 24 hours a day... you might be even more worried about them if they were still living at home (possibly alone) while you're gone...

The decision to put a parent in a nursing home is not one that anyone takes lightly and i don't think i've ever seen a case where it was the wrong decision... you're doing the right thing
Best of luck x

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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 5:34 pm 
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Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. My grandmother fought tooth and nail to stay in her own house but it became increasingly evident that she really couldn't - she was a danger to herself - and others! One day she left the gas on and nearly blew up the house. She was a fiercely strong and independent woman all her life and as her primary caregiver, my mum was wracked with guilt when she made the decision to "put her in" as my grandmother would say accusingly :biggrin: .

I hope this makes you feel better when I tell you that within a week my grandmother was very happy in the home. She didn't realize how much she was struggling until she didn't have to. No more climbing the stairs, no more cooking - although she did persuade the staff in the home to let her show them how to make her brown bread! On one particular visit, she told my mother "I only got in here on time". She admitted she'd been dreading the idea of the winter in her own home. In the home where she was she had her own comfortable ensuite room - tv, radio etc. and was truly very happy there.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It will all work out fine. Go on your holiday and enjoy it.


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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 6:23 pm 
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January wrote:
One thing to watch out for and it breaks my heart every time is them asking can they come home or when they're coming home. FIL is in nursing home since January and every time myself, DH or MIL goes to see him he asks us when is he coming home.


That's heartbreaking :cry: , how do they handle it when he asks?


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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 6:30 pm 
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KikkiD wrote:
January wrote:
One thing to watch out for and it breaks my heart every time is them asking can they come home or when they're coming home. FIL is in nursing home since January and every time myself, DH or MIL goes to see him he asks us when is he coming home.


That's heartbreaking :cry: , how do they handle it when he asks?
My dad wasn't in a nursing home . We kept him at home. He had Alzheimers. For the last 3 months of his life he thought he was in hospital. Every day we had to tell him 'another few days ' Soul destroying.

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PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2018 7:51 am 
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My mother went into a nursing home just after christmas and it is very hard to deal with. It sounds strange but it was almost like a bereavement, now obviously the woman is alive and well but the family home is empty, the heart is gone out of it, its just a house and walls now and its very hard to realise she will never be back in that house. Its a huge move, even packing up all her clothes and personal items, it feels awful going through all her personal things, this is her lifetime of keepsakes.

I am lucky that we matched her well with the home and shes thriving in it, she loves it and I can see in her how much better she is doing. But I try not to call into the family home anymore. I do need to keep an eye on it, but last week I left it in tears as its just so empty.

Its such a hard situation, I feel stupid telling dh I was crying as the woman is still very much alive and well but just am so used to coming in through that front door and calling out to my mum who was always there, have gone through that front door all my life and no matter what my mood/my issues/my worries, I would just call out to mam and she would be there and now on opening the door, its just empty, the house feels cold and empty.

Just need to keep reminding yourself that she will be well cared for and your doing it for her.


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PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2018 10:05 am 
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KikkiD wrote:
January wrote:
One thing to watch out for and it breaks my heart every time is them asking can they come home or when they're coming home. FIL is in nursing home since January and every time myself, DH or MIL goes to see him he asks us when is he coming home.


That's heartbreaking :cry: , how do they handle it when he asks?
We tell him that the doctors have said he's not well enough to come home. Yet. We can't deal with telling him he's there forever. It didn't help that when he was in hospital a few weeks ago that that doctors and nurses kept saying 'now you'll be going home soon so don't worry' because that made it worse as before he wasn't as pushy but since he's been discharged it's gotten worse. He actually escaped from the nursing home on Sunday after we left. A group of kids (it's in a housing estate) brought him back before any one had noticed he was gone.

Dh had to step away on Sunday before we left as he was crying.

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PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2018 11:49 am 
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After my mums sudden death my dad just missed her so much. I live 3 hours away and my siblings live 15/20 mins away. Between us we stayed overnight for 4 months with him. After smashing he got much worse- early stage dementia. He tried take his own life and we knew he wasn't safe at home anymore., he went into a nursing home v suddenly. V distressing for all of us.
It wasn't good for him, they sedated him a lot, took us a while to realise this and after 3 months he was moved to another one. It's an Alzheimer's unit so much more respectful and treated with dignity. It has been v hard to accept what's happened personally.
I used to take him home for weekends and that was lovely as the house was so much better with him there. That's not possible now as he has fallen out of bed sometimes-can take hours to get him back into bed etc

Now I take him out for lunch, an ice cream etc if he's up to it

I am still devastated that this is where my dad has ended up but I know we had no alternative.
I do think it's a grieving process when your parent goes into a home and I really hope you learn to live and accept it. It is what it is and it's the best for your parent but I know as a daughter it's so hard to see them vulnerable and in a nursing home


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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2018 2:44 pm 
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SoSad wrote:
My parent is in hospital and will going to a nursing home. They are safer there. They are calm and content and well cared for in hospital. Yet I cannot make peace with it. I keep crying. I am so sad for my parent that we cannot keep them at home, the hone they worked so hard for. I am heartbroken and feel like I've abandoned them. I can't sleep but when I do I wake up in tears again convinced something has happened and no one will notice. I am due to go on holiday soon and I don't want to go as it will mean there'll be days that there's no one to visit. Does it get easier?


I sobbed for two weeks after getting a place in a nursing home for Dad before he went in. It was like losing a parent. It got easier once he got in to the home. I still get moments when I feel awful but mostly I can console myself that I couldn’t have given him the care he needed.


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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2018 3:17 pm 
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So sorry you're going through this.

My Mam had Alzheimer's for the last 15 years of her life, 8 of those years were spent in a Nursing Home. I can honestly say that the saddest day of my life was the day she went into the Nursing Home.... far sadder than the day she was buried.

I'm not sure you ever get over it.... the feelings of sadness, guilt, abandonment..... even though you know it's for the best, it's devastating. I'm sorry.


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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2018 9:29 pm 
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It a huge thing .... but eventually it will get easier . You just have to keep telling yourself that your parent is safer there .
You will grieve .... that is to be very much expected .


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