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 Post subject: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:02 pm 
Looks like H will finally agree to separate.
There are several issues.
First is finances. He is in a position where he will be able to take early retirement from his current role. He will receive a lump sum (approx. 100K) and an annual pension of approx. 30K. He has retrained and is in the process of building a new career which will net him between 100k and 250K per annum depending on sales.

I want to keep the family home. It is worth approx. 700K and there is a small mortgage remaining. We still have dependent kids and they would be minded jointly. He is a good dad but he is an alcoholic and I don't want them around him when he drinks so that rules out any evening.

Would I be a fool to try and keep the house in exchange for revoking any entitlement to lump sum, cash value of pension (which must be close to €1m) and future earnings?

at the moment we both earn about the same. He pays the mortgage, which I will have to take over and I pay all other bills. Managing the mortgage will be hard for me as I don't have a lot left at the end of the month; but I am hopping he will agree to about 50 euro child maintenance which will help a bit.

Second. how realistic is it to ask him to stay away when he has been drinking. That and an appalling lack of communuication on both sides are the reason for the break up. He refuses to seek treatment for his alcoholism. Also he has been emotionally abuse over the years, buy calling me names like Cunt and Twat and saying he wishes I would die, or fuck off and leave him with the kids, that I am a useless mother., that all my hobbies are stupid/ for old people/for young people. He has smashed my property and so on so I am afraid to show him my true feelings. And then I am not able to communicate. He has ignored me for weeks on end sometimes or gaslights me telling me that I didn't tell him this or that, or I said this or that.

Sorry girls, my confidence is so low at the moment.

Two totally separate questions there.


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:27 pm 
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Have you a solicitor? I'd get professional advice before even broaching that kind of deal with him. A solicitor should be able to advise about what would be reasonable and negotiate for you. It may be possible to negotiate clearance of the mortgage as a deal (if that's what you want) which would leave you in a much more secure position than struggling to pay it every month (which the bank might not agree to either). Or there may be reasons why a solicitor would advise a different approach. It may well make sense to focus on a front-end settlement if there's a risk of his drinking deteriorating and impacting his health and his income. The pension aspect can be very significant too - again I'd be looking for professional advice as to the implications.

They'll also advise on any restrictions that may be possible on access because of his drinking. But if he's in denial then you may be into something quite acrimonious and a need for proof. Again I'd say professional advice is essential.

You say that the children will be minded jointly. Again a solicitor will work through what your options are (are the kids going to move from house to house each week, go to different houses different days, how is it joint minding if they can't be there in the evening, how bad is he in the morning, and maybe do some 'what if-ing?" (Like what if his drinking gets worse).

It doesn't sound like negotiating directly with him is an option if you're afraid of him, he has been violent, verbally abusive and you feel you can't communicate with him. No-one can negotiate well from a position of fear - there's a lot of benefit in having an outsider do it for you.

Wishing you the best - he sounds awful :-(


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:42 pm 
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I would second what RDR said. Lay out what you would like with a solicitor & they will tell you if its feasible.

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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:48 pm 
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Sorry you are going through this.
I'd agree with the others, I wouldn't agree to anything it even give any suggestions as to what might work till you have got financial and legal advice


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 5:08 pm 
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Get a solicitor, preferably one that has a lot of experience in separation. Don't agree to anything until you have spoken to them and have their advice. Sorry you are going through this; it can be incredibly lonely but you will get there.


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 5:50 pm 
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A friend of mine separated a few years ago and she wanted a lump sum (he had gotten big redyndancy) Instead of weekly/monthly maintenance payment for the kids as she felt that would be an on going battle with having to chase him/beg for money. The lump sum was agreed by him and legally. He still contributes to Xmas, back to school, orthodontic etc

She also bought him out of the house and reduced the buy out sum by his lump sum payment but wasn't in a position financially to re-apply for a mortgage on her own, so his name was still left on deeds and agreed legally in seperation that he had no rights on the house and when she was granted her own mortgage after proof of being able to pay on her own for a few years his name would be removed from the deeds. This has now happened.

I hope it all works out for you!


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 6:00 pm 
Thanks Ladies. He is a lot less abusive these days as he realises I am no longer affected by it. We both do our own thing.
He does get angry at me questioning his booze though. He hates anyone mentioning it and gets defensive and difficult. Typical addict behaviour.

're the finances. A solicitor I spoke to said it would be unlikely that any judge would allow me to keep the house as there was so much equity in it. I explained the lump sum and the pension, and the new job situation so it left me a bit baffled.
I know it is an expensive house but he will be able to clear a huge amount of his mortgage over the next 5 years when his pension and new job kick in. Meanwhile, I'll still be swamped in debt. Tbh I don't care as long as I'm not struggling and I have my life back but I don't want to be a dummy either just to keep the house.


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 Post subject: Re: Seperation
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 6:05 pm 
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No advice but good for you it sounds like you are well rid.

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