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 Post subject: Marriageover
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 11:02 pm 
Regular going anon.

We have been married 17 years. 3 children, 2 of which are teenagers. Our marriage has been dead for at least 5 years. I am now at the stage where I cannot live under the same roof as him. He has become quite abusive recently, not physical but verbally. He said if I want to leave, leave but he isn't going nowhere.

House in both our names and we do not have negative equity. However, I only work part time. His salary is only €40,000 per annum so I don't and wouldn't expect support from him. He is adamantly he wouldn't anyway,

I feel with the verbal abuse, he is trying to push me out. I suffer from depression but am maintaining it well but he brings it up and if I get upset, he claims I'm hearing things, etc...I feel this is all trying to push me out of the home.

He refuses to go to mediation.

I feel trapped. I will work full time but I know I can't afford to just leave and start afresh.

What do I do if he won't agree to separate ??
Thanks girls,


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 2:44 am 
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I didn't want to read and not reply. Sorry you are going through this. Try to look after yourself.

Are you able to speak to a solicitor?

Do you have an employee assistance program through work? You can get support and legal assistance/advice

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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 8:23 am 
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If I was you I would go for some counselling for myself. It sounds very much like the verbal abuse is wearing you down and whatever happens with your marriage, you need to be strong. I have no idea on the legal side of things but it would be no harm to talk to a solicitor to find out what your options are. Sorry you're going through this, it's a heartbreaking time but won't last forever

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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 9:43 am 
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So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like hell. Abuse is abuse whether physical or mentally, he is trying to control you. You have to look after yourself. Document every episode & tell someone in real life exactly what is happening.. Ask your gp to refer you for counselling, it will help you find the strength to get through this. Ask on here or your friends for recommendations for a good solicitor who specialises in divorce/separation in your area. Life will improve for you. We are all here if you need help.


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 10:54 am 
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You need legal advice and, as others have said, some support emotionally, either through people in real life that you can talk to or through counselling. He is trying to wear you down, so you're going to need every shred of strength you can muster to get through this. In your worst moments where you doubt yourself, think of your three children and the example you want to set for them - it'll help you to find the strength you need. Let them see that what he's doing is wrong and that you won't accept being treated that way. I'm sure they're very aware of what's going on between you. I don't know where you stand in terms of the house and making him leave, as my XH moved out (had to be pushed but he agreed to it in the end) - hopefully you can find a solicitor who can help you on that front. Keep posting here anytime you need to vent.


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:29 am 
Thank you all. I do have employee assistance at work and am availing of it for counselling starting next week. I do take care of myself and usually I take a deep breath and get on with it but am really starting to panic about the future. I feel like I am trapped in the house with him as he said no matter what, he is not selling it or moving out. He said I can go and rent a place and he will have custody of the kids. I will not leave my children under any circumstances and he knows this.

I feel I am screwed if he will not agree to sell. I do not want to "screw him over" as he puts it :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 12:54 pm 
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I didn't want to read and not post. Counselling and legal advice as soon as possible. He can say that he is not selling or moving out but if it comes to a legal separation/divorce it will be up to the judge to decide what happens afaik or the result of mediation. Get legal advice (ring citizens advice to start you off) and/or womens aid. It sounds like emotional abuse. Sorry you are going through this.


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 12:58 pm 
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Really sorry you are going through this and that he's being so difficult, it must be so stressful. I don't think he can assume anything about the house or the kids! Definitely get yourself some good advice - is there anyone who could recommend a good solicitor for you?


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:39 pm 
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I am sorry to read this. If it were me I would start with Women's Aid. At the very least they will have names of solicitors in your area who specialise in Family Law.


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:44 pm 
Thanks ladies. Are Womens aid not just for women in violent relationships? He has never hit me. It is more "gaslighting (only heard this term recently), I guess that is what you would call it. For example, he calls me vile names under his breath and well I pull him up on it, he insinuates my medication is "messing with my head". Horrible stuff like this. It is this behaviour that has encouraged me to call time on the marriage.

The decision is made but I just do not know how to get my head around the practicalities ....


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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:04 pm 
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Women's aid help sufferers of all kinds of abuse, indeed they've run awareness campaigns on the different forms of abuse.

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 Post subject: Re: Marriageover
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:08 pm 
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I believe Women’s Aid will help you as that definitely sounds like mental abuse.

Get legal advice as soon as you can. Citizens Information may be able to give it for free if you can’t get it through Women’s Aid. It should boost your confidence by showing you there are options.

Horrible to be going through this. I hope you are getting support from family and friends because you will need it.


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