How can I be better?

[Supermam]

I can only echo what the other posters have said - try to find another GP. I have suffered with depression on a few occasions in my life and last time I recognised the signs and went to GP to ask for help only to be told it was "only grief". It was grief, but it triggered a depression and much like yourself I was unable to complete any task and everything felt like a huge problem. I also felt completely worthless for being such a weak person who couldn't just deal with the grief and get on with things. It took me four visits with 3 different GP's until I finally got the help that I needed. It was really tough - to go back and ask for help and not receive it - so many times. With the help of anti-depressants and counselling I was able to keep my head above water long enough to cope with dealing with the grief.

Be strong - go back to your GP or see someone else and ask for help. It is tough, but things can change!

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[socky]

Gosh, how hard for you to deal with those feelings on your own. I agree about seeing a gp, maybe in another town or city somewhere. Also would you consider printing off your posts to show to your husband - he genuinely may not know what is going on within you. Hope you get the help you need.

[Alone]

Thanks herself, snow patrol & superman.

I think I'm going to have to look for another GP.
I have to do something as the my current position is unsustainable.

I cant get over all the responses. Thank you all. It was like I got a big hug.

I thought about my situation last night but ended up with a headache.

I took this morning off. I've spent it tidying up my study, I haven't been in it for long time.
I also put an ad in the local paper for a cleaner.
At least if I could get some help with the housework it would be one less thing to think about it and I wouldn't have to face into a mountain of housework when I get home.
I don't know if that makes sense.

Going to get a shower, put on some clean clothes and go to work after lunch.

Haven't cried today yet

[Alone]

[quote="3dollys"]I cant Pm you, but Im not sure how you mean how do I do it?
Do you mean how do I work for him?

I work from home. I work for a company 20 hours a week, separate to our own business, and I work for him then at home.
You do have to be self motivated, and it can get me down. But we nearly lost it all a few years ago, and that was a lot harder than any hours I have to work now.
I could be working at all hours late, and I get fed up, tired and cranky. But after what we went through, DH knows that I am one of the few who has his back, so he is very appreciative of me. And me of him.
I think if its getting to you so much that you cant actually get through the work when you should, and then its getting on top of you at the end of the day, then you know something isnt right.
I think a chat with your GP is on the cards, but I really do think a chat with your DH is too.
Does he not recongnise what you do at all?
You have kids too I take it? Thats a very full plate for you.
Pm me if you want a chat. Its very hard being self emlpoyed and all that that brings.[/quote]

Thanks 3dollys,
I feel the more I do, the more there is to do
I find it very hard to switch off.
I think I need to sort myself out a bit better before talking to DH

[RedHen]

OP, is there a particular area of the admin that you find tricky? I'm wondering if it's an issue like you using an accounts package that you really never got any training on? Sure even if we are experienced and successful in one area, we still need to learn how to do things in a different one. Maybe you just skipped the 'training' stage and yourself and your husband are expecting you to have new skills automatically? Your DH doesn't seem that supportive, to be honest. I think it's very harsh for him to wonder how you got a degree. That would hang over anyone as a cloud. I also work with my husband in our business (note how I didn't say that I work for him in his ) and we tick over well as he has his areas of expertise and I have mine. There's a lot of very technical stuff in his area that I have zero interest in trying to learn or be involved in so it's not as if I'm constantly in the role of student to his expert. That wouldn't grab me. But there is also stuff I do every day that he couldn't.

Do you think some training in the areas of admin that you've taken on would help, and possibly put you in a position where you become more skilled than your husband for those things? Even a few sessions with someone who does the same kind of work could boost your confidence a lot. I'd also talk to your husband about how his criticisms just seem to be paralysing you.

[Mia]

Sorry just in relation to therapy if u feel a few sessions would help , look up iahip and iacp websites for local accredited therapists . You can self refer .

You have fallen into a hole at the moment . You need to find away out .
It happens so easily .

M

[babybird]

working in a family business, working with a spouse or close family member, is the DEVIL. Honestly, I've done it and run the business, for over 20 years and some family members insist on talking about my role as if I am doing it as a wee hobby on the side, like I'm unemployable elsewhere and like it's not a "real" job. Despite my degrees, despite my experience working elsewhere, and despite a supportive spouse, sometimes I honestly feel like an idiot, when things are tough and I meet with that kind of attitude. You are not alone, or strange, in feeling down about it, honestly.
And as others have said, it's terribly easy to fall into a hole and it's very hard to get out of it, you need outside help and support. I went through a period a few years back where my self confidence was rock bottom, and only for DH I don't know how I'd have coped.
Also, fwiw, you actually come across as someone with a lot of skills, baking, cooking, admin, and other interests.

[tgirl]

How are you feeling alone?

[Alone]

Hi,

Feeling better. I spent most of the weekend soul searching.
I had a talk / cry / shout with my husband after he wouldn't answer a question I had as he said he had already answered it a few weeks ago.
I did my best to explain that he has unrealistic expectations of me and how its making me feel.
He knows Im struggling but just cant understand how or why.
Hes trying though. He did say some encouraging things over the past few days which have been nice.
I do need to work on my communication skills.

I think another big issue is that I used to be good at technical stuff but since I've been doing admin I've forgotten all my technical knowledge as I'm so out of practice.
I think I've become resentful towards my current role as I feel I'm now neither good at my previous work and my current admin work.
I thinking I should maybe do a postgrad or something in September to keep up my technical knowledge and in the meantime find some admin training.

Redhen, you are right, I skipped the "training stage".
There was no one here before and it used to be a case of pulling stuff together for the accountant etc when I was working elsewhere.
Accounts are fine, I like numbers its the document control/organisation/office management that I need to work on.

Mia, thanks for those websites. I'm going to try the psychologist I went to before but if shes not available there's lots of counsellors close by on the IACP webite

Babybird, thanks for not making me feel like I'm the only one working with family and that its not all plain sailing.
I think if I can boost my confidence it would help.

Tgirl, thanks for asking. I really have been overwhelmed by everyones kind words, I can begin to describe how much it has helped.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[tgirl]

Alone, if you were put back in your old job in the morning, it's amazing how much comes back to you. The only breaks from work I had were maternity leave (more by luck than good judgement) and coming back I always thought I couldn't remember anything, but by the end of a few days it was like I was never away!

Best of luck getting sorted.

I had a talk / cry / shout with my husband after he wouldn't answer a question I had as he said he had already answered it a few weeks ago.

This sounds very unreasonable. Was this work related? If so, I'm not surprised you fine the admin hard going, it sounds like your DH is used to doing things himself and not good at explaining things or communicating about work.

[babybird]

Alone I should photo my desk and pm it to you, (too ashamed to show publicly!) I am great with people, great at selling, great at marketing and planning. CRAPTASTIC at admin. How the accounts get done is beyond me, I leave it til the last minute, I cause so much stress for myself, I make such a mess of it and I know I should do it more systematically but something in my head hates it so much, I make every excuse to avoid it. I have worked on it this year, and have been better but if anyone but dh saw the absolute state of me trying to do it, they'd think I can't count beyond four and four.

Your DH is ridiculous, tbh, unless it's something you do daily there are loads of things that you won't remember offhand how to do and have to ask again about, this is true of any job. And refusing to tell you? is he a school teacher? I would laugh and tell him, well, good on you it won't get done then. I totally agree with tgirl, it sounds as if at least some of this is caused by his lack of communication and lack of explanations.

I think you should definitely do your tech post grad, it's a great idea. Also I finally did a course on excel, just a one day course and it saved my sanity after years of self taught struggling!

[RedHen]

There was no one here before.....its the document control/organisation/office management that I need to work on.

I think you're being really hard on yourself. It's not like someone was doing this job before you and had systems set up for everything that you could just continue with. So your husband used to just manage the admin himself and you're constantly trying to figure how he likes things done? Sure he mightn't necessarily be following the most logical methods himself which could make it hard to predict what he wants done with everything. Although it's hard to comment on that situation as every business is different.

I'd be tempted to think more about how you think things could best be done and implement new procedures that make sense to you. I've copied various methods of dealing with paperwork and admin from other women doing a similar job. If it would be of any use, I'm sure some of us here would be happy to describe our 'systems' on the thread or by PM. I'd say there are much better ways I could be doing stuff too...

[Unnamed poster 7]

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