weight and my mother

[ainm2]

I'm taking note here. My dd1 is 13 and I'm trying to encourage her to be healthier and she needs to loose weight. God I'd hate to think I am impacting on her in the way ye describe here but I most likely am.

I don't know how you are handling it (or what the best advice is) but at 13 she is your responsibility and you'd be failing her if you didn't encourage her to develop good life habits.

[rosepetal]

I'm taking note here. My dd1 is 13 and I'm trying to encourage her to be healthier and she needs to loose weight. God I'd hate to think I am impacting on her in the way ye describe here but I most likely am.

I don't know how you are handling it (or what the best advice is) but at 13 she is your responsibility and you'd be failing her if you didn't encourage her to develop good life habits.

Yes but there's a huge difference between fat shaming, like so many 70's mothers seemed to do , and encouraging the whole family to have a healthy life style. Hopefully we are better educated in nutrition and child psychology these days.

[confused]

I'm so sorry I haven't been back to reply, it has been a really busy weekend.
I am taking on board all of your comments. A lot of the advice I have already done in some shape or form. The thing is, she gets that I am not overweight but she thinks I am overweight for me. That I don't look like myself or look "well" not the opposite of sick, but just not super in shape and wearing figure hugging clothes with hair and make up done. She cannot get her head around why I am not interested in these things the way I was before.
I like wearing nice clothes and being groomed but Ive two small kids now and I often just dont have the time. That should be ok, shouldn't it?

At this point I feel like I am only valued by her on the basis of how I look. On Easter Saturday we went out for dinner and while I was getting ready I just started bawling my eyes out as I got so worked up over what I was wearing and how I ws going to be commented on and questioned as soon as I got there.
Then I ordered a light meal at dinner and saw her nod of approval and I felt disgusted with myself.
I think I will just have to disengage, a meltdown or a letter will just not work with her. She doesn't want to see my side or how I feel.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[rosepetal]

That's just terrible Confused, she sounds toxic and the issue isn't even your weight , it's her need to control you and have you behave and look the way she wants. It's not about you at all, it's her. There is a great thread over on Mumsnet about toxic parents and how to deal with them, it's the Stately Homes thread, you should pop over and have a read x

[Smoke]

Honestly the stress of the relationship would have me exhausted too.
If it were my mother saying this I think I'd have to passive aggressively be blunt with her, embarrass her and comment on how unhealthy it would be to continually pass her issues on to me. And I know it'd end in an argument of sorts, but I just couldn't allow her do that to me every single time without it being challenged.
But then I also think that I'd have to get a tougher skin in retorting to her like that every single time it arose.

I think you need to prepare for her inability to change how she treats you, and learn a mental approach to rise above it.

[Novbaby31]

If she has always been like this she is unlikely to change. The only thing you can control is your own reaction and that's a hard thing to do when it is your Mum. But you need, for your own sake, to see that she is projecting her issues onto you and you need to start not giving a shit about what she thinks about your weight.

If you are happy with where you are right now, you feel good in yourself, then the best thing you can do is either turn a deaf ear or call her on it every time she says something without getting into a debate on your weight or feelings. A simple 'change the record Mum' or 'give it a rest Mum' or ' I am so bired talking about what you think of my weight Mum' or 'I am not discussing that with you Mum' - all followed by a complete change of topic to something benign like the weather or the news or the kids.

It will take time but it will work if you are both persistent and consistent.

[RedHen]

She sounds very controlling, more concerned about what others will think of your appearance than your happiness. Next time she mentions your weight, I'd frown and point out how it's perfectly fine for your height and ask if she's thought about how she might not be seeing weight clearly. Then I'd look concerned and offer to order her a few books from Amazon on the subject, if she felt they'd be beneficial. And if she continued, I'd suggest she might want to see a counsellor for a few sessions to discuss her obsession with your weight (and possibly her own). I'd say there's a good chance she'd stop bringing it up if she knew you were going to imply each time that she was slightly nuts to do so.

[janeymac]

I'm taking note here. My dd1 is 13 and I'm trying to encourage her to be healthier and she needs to loose weight. God I'd hate to think I am impacting on her in the way ye describe here but I most likely am.

I think it must be really difficult as a parent but I wouldn't tell a 13 yr old that she needs to lose weight. I think it can be a massive blow to self confidence at a very delicate age. Particularly if she doesn't feel that bothered about it herself. I think as a parent ( not you particularly but any parent) you are basically saying she is not good enough as she is, she needs to be better. At 13 you are very sensitive to criticism and too much emphasis on weight and appearance coming from a parent I think it can be really hurtful and indeed damaging.

I would not mention weight to her even in a subtle way. I would not single her out at all in the family. I would cook healthy meals for all, keep the junk out of the house and encourage and do exercise but not specifically aimed at her. Adolescence is very very difficult and being fat in your mind often equals being unattractive at an age where being attractive to boys is becoming important. If she eats well and exercises the weight will sort itself out. And being a bit fat is actually not the end of the world- just because she is a bit chubby now is not a state for life. There is a lot more to a person than their weight. At 13, building up a child's confidence to me is the most important thing. A child who is self conscious about their weight e.g may not want to draw attention to themselves and as a result not become involved in things they would otherwise....it really can have major effects on confidence.
My niece of 15 is towering over me now and go back a couple of years and her grandad was making all these comments about how heavy she was getting. She did look a bit heavy for a while but she is a tall slim girl now.
Honestly I would tread very carefully here.

[NDM]

It sounds like she is very afraid you will "let yourself go" now that you have had two kids. I wonder why? It is so obvious that she is the one with the issues and her fears are manifesting themselves in you? That you don't look the same as before or your not putting in the effort.
If you asked her how she managed to get back to "herself after she had you" might shed light on the issue.

I had my first child at 23, in the 80s and was in college. My visiting aunt from the U.S. Told me it was a real "shame" I didn't wear makeup anymore, and look myself. I was horrified that she would say that to me, a vulnerable young girl trying to do her best in a pretty rotten situation, and all she could comment on was my makeup! And sound like my life was over (it was, but in a different way).
People are very cruel.

If she has reduced you to tears and misery trying to please her, then you need to do something about it before you go mad.