Another post in the forum prompted me to post.
I am married 15 years in June, we have 3 children, 1 with special needs. We have had some very difficult years too with late pregnancy losses and other health concerns. there have been times he is a rock but we have also had massive arguments where he has said hurtful things. There have been moments I have felt this couldn't last. In general he is very reliable, trustworthy and generous. He does nice things for me, he will often bring me coffee to bed, book a meal out as a surprise, he is funny and we can take the piss out of each other, he is intelligent and can fix just about anything, But he is also a perfectionist, a bit judgey, he goes on in little ways a lot about my disorganisation, or wasting food, nitpicky kind of. He also tends to keep things bottled up and will suddenly explode on a rant every now and again about all the things I am not doing right. In fairness he has stopped doing this and it has been a long time. I am no angel either I can drink too much when we go out and that really annoys him, it has happened probably 5/6 times since we got married that I went over the top, I don't do anything bad but I have embarrassed myself by falling asleep a few times and that sort of thing. I feel mortified about it, he has sometimes brought this up in arguments . He sometimes has a way to make me feel less than or not good enough, in fact I feel this a lot. It sometimes feels like the only thing he thinks I am really good at is parenting. He praises my parenting a lot but not much else, He is eager to spend time with me so enjoys my company, but I do at times feel like I can't fully relax around him. He is a great dad and always helps out and tries to make things a bit easier on me.
I don't really know what I am asking, right now we are doing well but I often remember hurtful things in my head I find it hard to get over things, Is it normal to have these arguments in a marriage, are we both just imperfect beings and this is part of it, sometimes I don't know if all the feelings are in my head of not feeling good enough as I had an abusive childhood with alcoholism involved. I love him, I believe he loves me. I am not sure why I am suddenly analysing everything. I feel like I don't even know who I really am or what I like.
Marriage
Re: Marriage
The two lines really jumped out at me.
Your last line about not knowing yourself - I think this happens a lot of us with marriage and kids. I would strongly suggest that you work on this - with a counsellor if you can.
You love him and believe he loves you; that's huge. Not all relationships have that. But it sounds to me like ye would benefit from marriage counselling - though maybe wait until you have a clearer sense of who you are.
As for the arguments - of course people argue and say petty things they shouldn't, but from what you have said, bringing up the handful of times you've drank too much seems cruel, particularly with your childhood. Have you ever asked why he does that? I wonder if he has some concern about your drinking given your childhood? I think you also need to tell him that while you appreciate his praise of your parenting (and it is important - I'd have loved that) you would also like if he noted and praised other aspects of you too.
Your last line about not knowing yourself - I think this happens a lot of us with marriage and kids. I would strongly suggest that you work on this - with a counsellor if you can.
You love him and believe he loves you; that's huge. Not all relationships have that. But it sounds to me like ye would benefit from marriage counselling - though maybe wait until you have a clearer sense of who you are.
As for the arguments - of course people argue and say petty things they shouldn't, but from what you have said, bringing up the handful of times you've drank too much seems cruel, particularly with your childhood. Have you ever asked why he does that? I wonder if he has some concern about your drinking given your childhood? I think you also need to tell him that while you appreciate his praise of your parenting (and it is important - I'd have loved that) you would also like if he noted and praised other aspects of you too.
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Cinquecento
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Re: Marriage
Wanted to echo the above. Of course people row and anyone who says otherwise is lying frankly.
Hurtful things can be said in the height of arguments of course but only you can know whether they cross an acceptable boundary and attack the essence of who you are. I do think counselling would be beneficial.
I think too that men are better at moving on and forgetting about rows than women.
Hurtful things can be said in the height of arguments of course but only you can know whether they cross an acceptable boundary and attack the essence of who you are. I do think counselling would be beneficial.
I think too that men are better at moving on and forgetting about rows than women.
Re: Marriage
Do you get any time to be you? Have you ever had counselling about your childhood. I am no expert but I know a friend whose parent was an alcoholic and she found counselling helped her a lot as she realised it was effecting her parenting.
Also do you worry you aren’t a good parent..maybe he has picked up on that and that’s why he praises you but doesn’t realise you need other praise. What do you mean by praise? Is it saying you look nice etc, or you are a great cook/listener, have great taste in music, great to talk too or is it something else . I probably don’t see that as praise but things that make you you but maybe that is praise!
Do you praise him and also when you argue is it him just ranting at you? This could be very much a reminder of abuse in your childhood and another person could ignore it but it crosses a line for you. Which is expected really. He probably doesn’t even realise.
I think you should start by finding you and counselling would help. It’s good you love each other, maybe you need to find yourself and each other now.
Also do you worry you aren’t a good parent..maybe he has picked up on that and that’s why he praises you but doesn’t realise you need other praise. What do you mean by praise? Is it saying you look nice etc, or you are a great cook/listener, have great taste in music, great to talk too or is it something else . I probably don’t see that as praise but things that make you you but maybe that is praise!
Do you praise him and also when you argue is it him just ranting at you? This could be very much a reminder of abuse in your childhood and another person could ignore it but it crosses a line for you. Which is expected really. He probably doesn’t even realise.
I think you should start by finding you and counselling would help. It’s good you love each other, maybe you need to find yourself and each other now.