Advice for poster.

[angrybird]

I’ve been asked to post this for a regular poster.

I have been separated a couple of years now and have teens. I have recently met a great guy who is separated but still living in the marital home although they have separate bedrooms. His ex wife is in a relationship too. His children are younger than mine, one with additional needs and don't know that their parents are separated. I don't want mine to know either as they've had a few hard years.
We are hoping that we will be able to live together in a few years when both lots of our children are older. We live in different counties and are lucky to see each other once a week. I would love to know if other couples have been able to do this. I hate thinking how far away it is until we can get together. I'm worried more for me as I'm finding it difficult not being able to be able to see him more.
Hoping that someone will have some advice for us.

[RDR]

That sounds really messy.

What is it you don't want your teens to know? I'm assuming you don't want them to know about the relationship but wasn't quite sure as it seems the guy doesn't even want to tell his children he is not with their mum anymore. Forgive me if I've misunderstood that because it colours my reply.

FWIW I think it is both difficult and risky for your new man and his ex to be keeping either their separation and/or new relationships secret for a number of years. There's a very real risk that their children will find out from someone else. If you're also planning on keeping the relationship secret I think you run the same risk.

When you do tell your children you run the risk of them being upset and feeling deceived that you had a long-term serious relationship that you never told them about, that they never got to adjust to and suddenly (to them) you're moving in together. I think they would be justified in feeling hurt and angry with you.

I completely understand (and would recommend) keeping casual relationships private from children until you're sure the new partner will be around for a good while and it is therefore worth introducing to your children. In this case you've a man you plan to live with and if I've read correctly you aren't telling the children.

The other thing that would worry me is whether the guy is actually separated from his wife. Being devil's advocate it seems very convenient that no-one can talk about the state of his marriage or the existence of a new relationship.

Personally I would be really uncomfortable with the layers of deception that you've described. I think it is a really poor basis for a new relationship.

[Shining]

I agree with RDR.

I can understand perhaps your not telling your teenage children until you're very sure of the relationship - but from what I'm reading, I can't see when this point may arrive. He's separated, living with his ex-wife, both involved in new relationships but continuing on with a facade of happy families at home...I genuinely don't understand this. I understand people have complicated lives but he's lying to his children. When do they plan to officially separate? My fear would be that this could carry on and on.
Is the youth and disability of his children his reason for not telling them? His children may remain young for many years yet...even as teenagers children require (perhaps even more) care and tact...will it be then a case of oh, they're still too vulnerable to know.
I would have concerns for you to be honest.

[DiscoGirl]

I’m curious as to how you met him, did you know him before ye became a couple? Is he really separated? If you are finding it hard now with only seeing him once a week, how will you cope until ye move in together ? What do your friends in real life think of this?

[Nodrog]

I don't understand why you are overthinking things, you have only recently got together.
It's way too soon to be talking about living together sure you only see each other once a week as it is.
Enjoy the romance, have fun. No need to be telling children/teens at this early stage.

[Rita]

I think for now I would just enjoy the here and now. None of us know the future.

I would however want to be definite he is separated as it is often a story spun .

[StarryNight]

This all sounds very dodgy. Many a person has been fed a line about "separated and living in separate rooms" only to realise its all lies.
It sounds mad to be planning to move into a third home with this man after only meeting him recently. How will all this be financed?

[Iamsoneedy]

I don't understand why you are overthinking things, you have only recently got together.
It's way too soon to be talking about living together sure you only see each other once a week as it is.
Enjoy the romance, have fun. No need to be telling children/teens at this early stage.

This. Enjoy the new relationship. Why does it have to be moving towards living together?

[monet]

There’s a lot of red flags in your post as mentioned by others... if his children dont know and they still live together are they really separated or is this what he’s telling you? Sorry but it sounds very dodgy id be looking after yourself before you end up getting hurt

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[LucyS]

I have recently met a great guy who is separated but still living in the marital home although they have separate bedrooms.......................

We are hoping that we will be able to live together in a few years when both lots of our children are older.

Woah! I think you really need to slow down here.

You have just recently met him. Why are you already planning a future together?

Do you know for sure if he is actually separated? How do you know for sure that you are not the other woman?

I think you need to take things very slowly but surely.

[HeyJude]

As LucyS said. How can you say that you hope to live together in a few years when you've only just met him and only see him once a week. That is no basis for a long term relationship.

I can understand not wanting to tell your kids until you are sure it's going somewhere but i would at least mention to them that you are thinking about dating so that it won't be a complete shock. It would be worse if they found out and you hadn't told them.

I can understand there are people who financially have to stay in the family home but that fact that you only see him once a week and it's a big secret that he's separated would ring alarm bells with me. In fairness men also don't tend to just meet someone and start talking about setting up home together in the future.

Relax and enjoy the relationship but also be aware that all may not be as it seems.

[Novbaby31]

Are you a secret from his friends and family too? Even if you are not why are you settling for what is a messy, complicated and very difficult situation if you take it at face value. You are setting yourself up to be, not even second best, but third, fourth or fifth best with him. you deserve so much more than scraps of a relationship.

You have also gone from meeting someone recently to thinking about moving in together - that's rushing things way too much.

Reading your post and taking things at face makes me wonder are you ready for a relationship? Why don't you think you deserve better than this situation? Why are you settling for messy, complicated, unsatisfying?

and reading your post and not taking things at face value - you are being spun a complete line and it is likely a complete surprise to his wife that he is separated. it sounds suspiciously off and I would be advising any of my friends in this situation to run a mile.

I think you deserve better than this.