Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

[April]

I’m sorry you are going through this Shining.

I would agree with the poster who said, don’t film. A person I know who was going through similar and social workers were involved filmed their teenager ranting and being abusive. It wasn’t looked on favourably at all as it was felt the parent was provoking the situation by filming. I would suggest asking your social worker contact whether it would helpful to film/what is their opinion on that before considering it.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[Unnamed poster 7]

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[lilypotter]

I actually just want to add something else. I used to say in my head I hate this whole scenario. I dreaded putting my feet on the ground as I never knew which version of the child I’d get. Granted she was much younger than your dd so the hurtful things being shouted etc weren’t as bad, but the situation was very trying. I had to keep saying over and over in my head it’s not the child I hate it’s the behaviour. All the work did eventually pay off and she’s an actual dream child now. Again I will caveat it by saying she was so much younger so not the same issues. But I hope you keep reminding yourself that it’s the abhorrent behaviour you hate.

Sorry just thought I’d add that. I had a lot of guilt for a long time that I was hating my child when really I never ever was.


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[Unnamed poster 7]

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[tippexile]

About other people's perspectives, dh has a niece who was similar in some ways to your dd but not as extreme. A real street angel and house devil. She was very friendly with a niece of a friend of mine, she had told her all about how awful her mother was and how her life was terrible etc. Anyway, one day my friend's niece was at DN's house and she was so shocked at how dn behaved towards her mum and sibling. She could see just how much dn had lied and how abusive her behaviour was.

[newshoes]

Shining it sounds so very difficult. It is a shame that she won't engage with calms or counselling. A lot of what you describe could be the result of trauma in her childhood and dysfunction. Did she witness the domestic abuse? Did she experience it? It's so awful for her, you and your other daughter. The really bad thing is you can't win.

Telling her that her behaviour is going to result in her being asked to leave the house is only going to make her feel more rejected and probably result in worse behaviour. Is she projecting a lot of her own issues and fears onto and you and her sister.

My view is that the three of you have been victims of your ex, and for them their dad and that you are dealing with it differently. Your youngest might have anger too but her needs are pushed to the back because her sister is so demanding.

I would grey rock her, constantly tell her you love her, it's the behaviour you dislike, walk away from her, invite her to do family things with you and her sister even though you know she will be scornful. Leave information on counselling around for her, maybe even book a session.

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[CocoRose]

I actually just want to add something else. I used to say in my head I hate this whole scenario. I dreaded putting my feet on the ground as I never knew which version of the child I’d get. Granted she was much younger than your dd so the hurtful things being shouted etc weren’t as bad, but the situation was very trying. I had to keep saying over and over in my head it’s not the child I hate it’s the behaviour. All the work did eventually pay off and she’s an actual dream child now. Again I will caveat it by saying she was so much younger so not the same issues. But I hope you keep reminding yourself that it’s the abhorrent behaviour you hate.

Sorry just thought I’d add that. I had a lot of guilt for a long time that I was hating my child when really I never ever was.


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Can I echo this? She is not an abuser, she is being abusive. Label the behaviour if you can at all. Hard as it is I would try and dig deep, then even deeper, to remember she hasn't always been like this and she hopefully won't be like this all the time. I wouldn't record her either, hold on to the moral high ground. She has thrown everything she has at you already, you're still here and you are able to call bullshit so hold firm. It is an awful situation. I can imagine it's hard not to throw her out the front door. I know it is outside normal range but you are NOT alone, lots of parents deal with awful phases as you see on this thread, children/teens can be extremely challenging. I remember my colleague telling me her sister flew back early from a family holiday because he just couldn't handle her teen daughter another minute and had to have a week away from her. I've had some serious challenges with my 12 year old due to his diagnosis which leaves him with little impulse control when he feels like flipping the lid and I have to dig deep to separate him as a person from the behaviour we experience at times and I have a photo of him as a baby on the fridge for the bad days so I can keep my sh*t together and not lose the plot with him (doesn't always work).

Hopefully she is not beyond reach, in the meantime can you create a safe zone in your house for you and your younger child? I'm thinking Nicole Kidman in the others film, keys - lock/unlock - the living room? Would she bang the door down? It might be good for you both mentally to know that in the house there is a safe space for just the two of you, away from her and let it be the family room.

[CocoRose]

Shinning I see on mumsnet for similar issues someone recommended the book Your Defiant Teen by Russel Barkley. Now I haven't read it as it's just googling to see was there anything useful there but I have watched hours of Russel Barkley, he is amazing and he researches and publishes for decades in the field of ADHD where there's plenty of extreme cases of acting out.

[Rita]

If the behaviour has worsened is there any chance she has access to drugs...just wondering when the company she keeps seem to encourage her behaviour ...its not that uncommon at her age and some people can start acting like this . I know at a talk we were told look out for this kind of behaviour.

She possibly believes all she says and really needs help..easier said than done if she doesn't want it.

Anger and anxiety can create all kinds of behaviour and also she herself could be paranoid in that she thinks you are out to get her.

Hope you are doing ok this evening xx

[Busybee]

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Similar happened with a family member. She is now in Foster care. It was the best resolution as they all get some respite. She is counting down the days until she's 18 and can get her own place etc. She hasn't a clue.... the decision wasn't taken lightly but in the interest of her own safety and safety of others it was the best outcome. I hope you get the help you need. Some excellent advice given in thus thread xx

[CocoRose]

Hope you are doing ok Shining x

[Applejam]

How are things Shining ?

I hope the weekend is a calm one for you x

[SarahBC]

So Sorry you are all going through such a hard time
Shining. This is domestic abuse and a child protection issue.

1. You need to talk to both schools and be very honest about the situation. They can put in a report to Tulsa outlining their concerns for both girls and you. This will have to be investigated.

2. Speak to your GP about the situation. They will also be mandated to report to Tulsa.

3. Speak to the guards outlining the situation. They too - are mandated to report.

It’s amazing how 3rd party reports/involvement get agencies moving. Then the appropriate supports can be put in place to help you all. Hope you an your younger dd can get a break at some stage today.mjnd yourself.

[CocoRose]

I think it sounds like she might also have a major impulse control issue, I second the above and wonder could you get a conversation with a psychiatrist? It is possible what you are dealing with is genetic if it was something your ex had an issue with.

Hope youre OK applejam, its a crap month x