DH has given up on life

[Out of ideas]

We've had a really tough few years without even adding in Covid - deaths, close family member serious illness, serious illness at home, loss of both our pets, mental health issues, lots of crappy decisions to be made. Took its toll on DH and he left his job last year and decided to take a career break with a view to changing to a less stressful industry as he's a good pension pot and is on the path to retiring in the medium term anyway. He had all these plans - weight loss, work around the house, do some courses, get fit and healthy but has done nothing for months. Sits around all day eating, watching tv and only leaves the house to get his job seekers and go to the local shop for snacks. He's not even getting pressure from DSP to find work and they hounded me when I was out of work.

I've carried a lot of the mental load for the last few years and prior to some of the health issues arising was working towards asking him to move out for a while. A health scare and op stopped that and we muddled through all the lockdowns and I had hopes things would improve but they're worse. He's here all the time. I don't get anytime on my own and he's not contributing in anyway to family life.

He is depressed and is taking meds but tbh they're not working and I suggested seeing his GP and maybe using his health insurance counselling service (even framed it like career guidance) but that fell on deaf ears. Family life works so much better when it's just me and DS here. I dont even think I need advice just wanted to vent. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is going to sit and watch daytime tv and wait for death. I do enough caring for other family members and don't want to have to add him to my list of responsibilities and sometimes when DS is at school I want to be able to lie on the couch in peace and watch Netflix.

[angrybird]

Bumping as I’m only seeing this now. Apologies.

[Nodrog]

Gosh that sounds difficult, vent away.
He does sound depressed but if he isn't willing to go to the GP and seek help there isn't a lot you can do.
Have you tried sitting down and telling him exactly how you feel?
What do you want?
Do you love him?
Do you want to split?
Hs isn't contributing to family life and you are doing everything alone, if you split things wouldn't change.
I would find his actions (or lack of action) very frustrating but if he is depressed he needs help and meds.
Do you work OP? For your own sanity.
Do you have any outlets yourself. Friends, hobbies etc you need to mind your own health (mental and physical).

[RDR]

That does sound difficult. And very difficult for you to influence. My first thoughts are that he needs to go back to his GP. It also strikes me that having totally lost the structure of work is probably not great for him. It is not easy even without depression.

I think all YOU can do it talk to him and tell him the depth and extent of your concern and urge him to go back to his GP. But also consider what you want to do yourself going forward and whether you do want to stay in the marriage or not.

Wishing you well.

[Cinquecento]

That just sounds so grim. If he refuses to get help and this has been going on for some time then you need to put yourself first and consider your own happiness.

You’re under no obligation to live in misery for the rest of your life.

Not working and having any purpose in life isn’t good for anyone, particularly a man.

[molls]

Your marriage sounds miserable and you are well within your rights to want more.

I would suggest that you avail of the health insurance counseling to get your own thoughts straight and to help focus on your own happiness. You said that the issues predated the last few difficult years, so you need to work out if an improvement in his mental health would be enough for you to continue with the marriage.

It is so difficult to watch someone who clearly needs mental health supports refuse to do so. I've been there on that. You can tell your husband what you would like him to do (and you should do this) but you can't force him. You can only make plans for what you will do if he doesn't (and indeed if he does).

You don't have to sort this all out immediately. But if you are definitely leaning towards separation, an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the implications and your rights is recommended.

I read somewhere that if you have a decision to make and one option will result in guilt and the other in resentment, you should pick the guilt. Resentment is toxic.

[tippexile]

I agree with Molls about you going for counselling. You have been through a lot too and you might need help to actually decide on what you need/want from your marriage and life. Counselling might be able to help you decide what direction you go in with or without your husband. Then when you make that decision, sit down with your husband and let him know. You are responsible for your own happiness not his and your son will benefit from a happy parent. I hope it works out for the best for you.

[Dnwa]

Small steps , So your happiness is very much as important.

Things I would suggest for him , is contact the gp and chat with him about your dh ask is there any way he can contact him for "bloods" and meds check up .
If there is a mental health nurse in your area that you could get set up with.

Maybe a local meds shed for him to attend for social outlet

Could he volunteer somewhere in something he would enjoy , helping yhe elderly or young teams .

Suggest ( push hard )couples counselling to get him in the door for a few sessions for the goal for him to get individual counselling.

[Dnwa]

Small steps , So your happiness is very much as important.

Things I would suggest for him , is contact the gp and chat with him about your dh ask is there any way he can contact him for "bloods" and meds check up .
If there is a mental health nurse in your area that you could get set up with.

Maybe a local meds shed for him to attend for social outlet

Could he volunteer somewhere in something he would enjoy , helping yhe elderly or young teams .

Suggest ( push hard )couples counselling to get him in the door for a few sessions for the goal for him to get individual counselling.

[WineAndRosesAndGin]

That sounds really difficult, unbearable in fact. I agree with the other posters who said you need to start thinking about yourself and your needs. Being the parent and spouse who does everything while someone else watches TV all day and doesn't contribute would drive me around the bend.

[Carmella]

Do you work yourself? Do you have an employee assistance programme at work that you could use?
I think counselling for yourself is the fist step. You can’t change him but you can get support for yourself.
Would you want this life for your child? Well you are someone’s child too and you are meant to be enjoying it. Pick up the phone tomorrow and get some help for yourself. All the very best x

[janeymac]

That sounds really tough on you op.
Is there anyone that cares about your husband who he respects that might have a chat to him about it all?
Agree with previous poster about volunteering might help him. Instead of getting him to go look for something suitable, which for all of us mightn't be easy, is there anyone you could get to ask him to do something? Or I suppose, secretly ask friends or family to ask him to do things or go places? He might find it harder to say no to others than do things at your urging.
It's tough going op.
Agree with the others about getting some counselling for yourself too.
Wishing you all the best.

[Out of ideas]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I've no access to counselling as I've no health insurance and don't work for a variety of reasons and when I was working part-time there was limited employee support anyway. I did use a local volunteer counselling service years ago but the waiting list was months long and when I eventually got an appointment I just couldn't click with the counsellor assigned to me so didn't complete my block of sessions. Found her very dismissive.

No idea what I'm going to do. DH has no close family who I could get to talk to him and he's a very private person so don't want to bring in a friend. Think it might do more harm than good. Have a busy day today so won't be home much so at least I won't have to sit looking at him all day.

[tippexile]

Can you go to your gp and tell them what you have said here? Explain that you are worried about him and it's impacting your own mental health. Ask to be referred for counselling and while it may take a while (explain about your previous experience) but at least it will be in the pipeline. Your gp might have ideas on how to approach your husband on changing his lifestyle.

[Shining]

I would make a GP appointment for yourself and lay it all out. It must be really tough on you.