DS and anxiety

[WorriedMom]

My DS is 15 and suffering from anxiety/low level depression. Has missed a lot of school this school year. Been to GP, CAMHS, is on anti depressenants (which have made a difference, we can see the improvement in mood)
All went well over the holidays - was out most days with friends. going to discos and was in really good form.

Spoke about going back to school after the holidays as that was our aim. Cue this morning and was not able to get out of bed for school, says no one is listening to him, hasn't been diagnosed with anything, needs to be admitted to a psych ward.
I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. He was ok to go out every day over the holidays but now can't go to school. There are no issues at school - has a good network of friends, good student, well liked. Isn't been bullied. I am always in touch with the school so would be aware if there were issues.

Its exam year so I reckon that is a lot of it. He knows there is no pressure on him for Jnr Cert.

Took all my strength this morning not to loose it with him. He is been listened to, has been diagnosed with low level depression. Is seeing Psychiatrist next week.

I really want him back at school. The longer he stays off the harder it is going to be to get him back. Hasn't been at school since end of November and hasn't done any school work at all. I feel he will never catch up on school work now. And he needs routine.

Anyone been in this situation, all advice welcome.

[CocoRose]

I'd just wait and see until you speak to a psychiatrist. You're doing very well not getting annoyed. Don't panic. I haven't been in your situation but Ive a reluctant school goer and it's hard work. I guess depressed adults get signed off work so it's not different as a teen, maybe he needs the time away.

[elizaDoo]

I haven't been in your situation but I have a friend who was. You mention that he had no problem going out and about over the Christmas so school is his problem. You are doing all you can for him, listening to him and getting his help but this sounds like he just doesn't want to go to school. The teachers are probably upping the pressure for the students in JC to make them do a bit of work for it but there is absolutely no need for him to fret about it. Even if he did nothing he would still do ok and it doesn't mean anything in the long run.
Is there a teacher within the school that he likes that would talk to him one on one. In the end that's how my friend got her son to go back.
I don't blame you for nearly losing it as I am sure you feel maybe he is using this diagnosis to get out of school and that could be the case. Its so hard to know.

[Rita]

It’s very hard for him to go straight back to school. Even the anxiety of not having a notion what is going on or some teacher saying something or any attention on him at all.
What support has he in there? Could he meet with someone he has a connection with in there and chat. No pressure to go back but a chat about things? Like a teacher or the principal depending on their connection with him.
See what psychiatrist says.

Anxiety can take over even when someone is very happy , has friends etc. there often is no reason at all.

[Mammyof2]

Has he had any talk therapy at all? There's a private Facebook group called School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties - Parent Support Ireland which might have useful advice. As difficult as it is, I would continue to treat him with patience and compassion rather than anger, as you have been doing. Even if you force him to go to school he won't be able to learn anything as his brain won't be able to take it in if he's anxious or depressed. Youth Work Ireland and Jigsaw are two charities that provide free or low cost counselling for teens. Jigsaw also have online support groups. It's very difficult to not worry about him missing so much school, I get that, you're doing a great job supporting him. Has there been any discussion of assessing him for neurodivergence given that he's saying he hasn't been diagnosed with anything? Does he think he should be assessed?

[CLBG]

Hi, it's really tough isn't it. I had awful trouble getting dd to school for the first 3 years of secondary due to anxiety. Have the school offered any help? Could they refer him to NEPS for support in school? School refusal is a big thing and the school should be taking it v seriously. There is a pyramid of support that the school should provide, with a specialised type of support for the few, the students that are having a lot of difficulty. I worked with dd's school to put a Student Support Plan in place, with a designated support person (the Deputy Principal in our case) who worked with dd to help her to be in the building. She had a space that she could go to when anxious and all of her teachers were in the loop so that they could also accommodate/support. The goal each day was for her to get there in steps - breakfast, car, in the door, etc. Most of the time she never went to class, but knew that she should be in school for the day.

I wouldn't read anything into the fact that he was able to be out over Xmas. School is a different environment, with different pressures/stresses. Could he have social anxiety? Is he generally hard on himself? If you asked him what is the hardest thing about school (rather than what is hard), I wonder what he would say.

What did CAMHS say other than prescribing anti-depressants? Good that he is seeing a Psychiatrist - wonder if an Adolescent Psychotherapist would help. It was a big thing on dd's journey.

I could give you info on all the tools we used for dd to get her into school and keep her there, but would prob need to PM you, if you want to reach out.

To give you hope, dd is a different person in TY. She's really enjoying it and is in class every day. The Junior Cert can be v stressful even if you're not putting any pressure on him, esp if he is prone to being hard on himself anyway.

Hope that helps - feel free to PM me.
C.

[CLBG]

Ps I remember the Deputy Principal saying to me one time that helping dd's anxiety was her primary need at the time, rather than study/school etc. It took a lot of pressure off me mentally. Try to remember the same - your ds' primary need is to get mentally well again, the rest will work itself out. Try not to be too hard on yourself or him in terms of school.

[WorriedMom]

Thanks everyone for replying. CLBG, your advice is very helpful.

DS attends a psychotherapist and is on a waiting list for a block of counselling with a youth services group.

He is saying he needs to be assessed so I will say it to the Psychiatrist this week but I honestly don't think there is anything (I have a child with ASD). There is definitely sensory issues but I'll leave it to the Psychiatrist to decide.

I have been in touch with the school and there are plenty of supports for DS. They ideally want him to come in to talk to them and we'll put a plan together then.

Our appointment with CAMHS was just an initial assessment, next week is meeting with Psychiatrist. GP prescribed the anti depressants and I fully supported the decision.

I'll take it all day by day.

[Elsie]

The only thing i can suggest which helped us is that if he stays at home he has to help out. he cannot lie in bed all day. We removed the phone (maybe for you gaming controls?) aswell and dd was only allowed it for an hour or two in the evening. When she went to school she got her phone (sure they are hardly on them during the day anyway as the other friends are in school so its not really a big deal) We made lists of chores and she had to tick them off when done. If nothing else to keep her active and not thinking about things. She will tell me now that this really did help although she hated it at the time.

its just so horrible to have to deal with as we just want them happy but they really do need to feel the fear and do it anyway and getting him through the door of the school is the next step after his next visit to cahms. let them know you really want him back in school and they might be able to convince him ... they very often listen to others and not the parents.

Anxiety or not the rule in this house has always been if you dont go to school you dont socialise.... they can still do their sport but hanging out is not happening.

now what works for one will not work for everyone but i had to be the bad cop quite a lot.....

[mumtoa]

The only thing i can suggest which helped us is that if he stays at home he has to help out. he cannot lie in bed all day. We removed the phone (maybe for you gaming controls?) aswell and dd was only allowed it for an hour or two in the evening. When she went to school she got her phone (sure they are hardly on them during the day anyway as the other friends are in school so its not really a big deal) We made lists of chores and she had to tick them off when done. If nothing else to keep her active and not thinking about things. She will tell me now that this really did help although she hated it at the time.

its just so horrible to have to deal with as we just want them happy but they really do need to feel the fear and do it anyway and getting him through the door of the school is the next step after his next visit to cahms. let them know you really want him back in school and they might be able to convince him ... they very often listen to others and not the parents.

Anxiety or not the rule in this house has always been if you dont go to school you dont socialise.... they can still do their sport but hanging out is not happening.

now what works for one will not work for everyone but i had to be the bad cop quite a lot.....

This is the key message. Certainly would not have worked here!

[Rita]

And wouldn’t have here either..but look we all know what works or not for ours and have to try. Anxiety can be so awful but the hope is they learn to manage it. Baby steps.
Maybe there is more than anxiety or something causing it, I am sure you know autism can present differently for all autistic people but there is lots more that can have sensory issues.

My dd has an illness that was making school hard but she didn’t know why she felt awful! Like in some classes she felt sick. She still does at times but knows why.

[jambalaya]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I understand the stress that school refusal causes. My ds2 went through this earlier in the year (he has additional needs) and it was just awful. He's in 6th class. He went into school on a reduced day, got (and still gets) three longish breaks during the day (2 of them on his own in the sensory room) and we got him an Irish exemption. These all helped him hugely and he is now back on full days.

We talked to him about what would make his day easier and the school put that in place for him. His involvement in the process meant he bought into it. Obviously though he is a good bit younger than your son and, having a 15 year old myself, I know there are huge differences between those ages.

I hope you can get some answers from the psychiatrist and that you get him back to school and in a good place.

[mumtoa]

Having a space in school that he can go to when he needs to escape the classroom is invaluable. We found having pre agreed permission to leave the classroom also helped. Talk to the year head to see if this is an option- lessens the feeling of being “trapped”.
There are some fantastic staff members in schools who can facilitate this though I appreciate every school may not be the same.
Is there any teacher he has a particular relationship with who might be able to give him support during the school day?

[Elsie]

Having a space in school that he can go to when he needs to escape the classroom is invaluable. We found having pre agreed permission to leave the classroom also helped. Talk to the year head to see if this is an option- lessens the feeling of being “trapped”.

Mine had this too... and she managed much better, as if knowing she could leave if she really needed too but in the end only used it a couple of times. We were so lucky that one teacher in particular took her under her wing so to speak and kept an eye on her. She completed her DARE form for college aswell. not applicable to you yet but worth mentioning in case someone else might need that info.

[WorriedMom]

There is a safe space in school for them and he knows that is there. He really likes his year head and gets on with most teachers. There are a few that he would get great support from. Our school are pretty good from that point of view. We are meeting with the school counsellor and year head next week and we'll go from there.

Not letting DS have his phone or not socialise would not work here. It would only make matters worse. But I have said if you are at home you have to get up at x time (to ensure he sleeps at night) and I will leave a list of small things to be done.

I have never dealt with school refusal before - his brother suffers from social anxiety but has always gone in regardless.

We had a great chat yesterday, spoke through what would help etc and I really thought he was going to give school a go this morning as it's a half day but no. And next week is back to a full week so I feel it's going to be even harder to try to get him in. But we'll take it one day at a time.