I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

This is a public forum allowing posting as a guest.
Message
Author
StarryNight
Posts: 14771
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2015 9:17 pm
Has thanked: 43 times
Been thanked: 96 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#16 Post by StarryNight »

Deep breath.
Your kids are 15 and 21. They know why your husband has left.
This can't be the first time there's been an escalation like this. Don't minimise his behaviour, what happened made you feel so unsafe you needed to call gardai for help. Thats not your behaviour, it's his.
Call Women's Aid in the morning for advice.
I hope you have money in your name. If you don't rectify this immediately.
Thinking of you

anon76
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#17 Post by anon76 »

My 15 year old is upset because my husband is gone as they were meant to do something together tomorrow. I don't think my husband will be back...it's such an absolute mess :/

User avatar
molls
Posts: 6118
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2014 4:02 pm
Has thanked: 89 times
Been thanked: 71 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#18 Post by molls »

I am so sorry you are going through this and so angry that your husband is making you feel like it is your fault.

The word raging jumps out at me. My ex went from being generally mild manner, to more volatile, to door slamming and shouting, to smashing my phone and pinning me down leaving bruises (hence him being my ex). That final day he was absolutely raging, but I see now he was escalating towards that.

Well done on taking what happened this evening seriously enough to call the guards. Your husband's behaviour then and since then are more than enough for legitimate worries. You are NOT the one in the wrong here.

If you decide that you are done with this relationship now, that's valid. If your husband is done, that's his choice. But you are not responsible for him leaving.

As for talking to the kids, I think they are both old enough for you to tell them that their father is very upset, you don't think he is coming home tonight and you really don't know what's up with him.


Try to get some rest - hard I know and tomorrow look for support for you. Is there a friend or family member you can chat to? I would also recommend ringing Women's Aid and looking into counseling for yourself, perhaps through a work EAP or your health insurance.
These users thanked the author molls for the post:
Kensington

mcmammy2
Posts: 3018
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:31 am
Has thanked: 36 times
Been thanked: 71 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#19 Post by mcmammy2 »

Other posters have given very good advice. As for you escalating things no you did not he did. He has to know there are consequences for your actions. His actions his consequences. Don't try and rescue him from that. He must deal with it. You are entitled to have an emotionally mentally safe home. We all have moods etc but it is absolutely not ok to abuse someone by shouting, swearing or name calling. Do not let anyone cross those boundaries. You have established your boundaries now and he cannot cross them. Look after yourself tomorrow is another day. As for the kids they will get it they are old enough and will see that abusive behaviours have consequences and that is no bad thing.
These users thanked the author mcmammy2 for the post:
Tinky

Anon76
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#20 Post by Anon76 »

Thank you all. I’m heartbroken. Heartbroken for our marriage, our kids. He was my soulmate, best friend up until a few years ago. He has just gone downhill so quickly.

dutchie
Posts: 1431
Joined: Fri May 02, 2014 5:56 pm
Has thanked: 9 times
Been thanked: 13 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#21 Post by dutchie »

So sorry you have had a horrible evening. Yes your DH crossed a line there. You felt unsafe - you had every right to call the guards even if just for advice. Your kids will be fine. They are old enough to understand that their fathers behaviour is not right.

Hope you have locked the doors now and let him sleep in the car for the night. Look after yourself now. Tomorrow will be a better day hopefully. Good luck xx

Shining
Posts: 3229
Joined: Sat Feb 27, 2021 7:34 pm
Has thanked: 99 times
Been thanked: 179 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#22 Post by Shining »

I think many can empathise with you.
You're worried he may hurt himself? Yes I was too. He took a whole cache of antidepressants in front of myself and my young child and ran off...leading me to call the guards and the ambulance, who found him. Next day it was like nothing happened, I imagined it all and he didn't take anything.
Claiming they will hurt themselves is a form of abuse.
I got the he couldn't be abusive because he didn't hit me. Often pinned me down though.
I hope you're OK. Please, please do not blame yourself. Can you talk to someone in real life?

mcmammy2
Posts: 3018
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:31 am
Has thanked: 36 times
Been thanked: 71 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#23 Post by mcmammy2 »

I'm sorry you are hurting. Look tomorrow is another day. You did nothing wrong. This is not on you. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure your fifteen year old is upset of course it's upsetting however that is not on you. It is ok to stand up for yourself. Sometimes as peace makers and often as women we try to make everything ok and right but it is not just up to us. How other people behave and react is on them. However this pans out you will be ok and this is not your fault. Your DH has to manage his anger this is on him, you can't make him he has to do it himself. You can't put up with bad behaviour in the name of love noone can. Love is respect and your DH needs to realise that.
These users thanked the author mcmammy2 for the post:
molls

User avatar
molls
Posts: 6118
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2014 4:02 pm
Has thanked: 89 times
Been thanked: 71 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#24 Post by molls »

You're probably as shocked by his reaction as you are by the shouting and raging. I fully expected that my husband would be very remorseful after he lost it with me. But he wasn't. 5 months later he still isn't. Instead he is annoyed that I "used the law against" by getting a protection order.

So my advice is to prepare yourself for the possibility that he will continue to blame you.

User avatar
JennyC
Posts: 10043
Joined: Fri May 02, 2014 1:12 pm
Has thanked: 4 times
Been thanked: 8 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#25 Post by JennyC »

I’ve no advice OP but o hope you’re ok.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dnwa
Posts: 1150
Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2019 8:47 pm
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 3 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#26 Post by Dnwa »

If you want to pm me please do. I am married to a P.O and have also been down this road. It took us years but coming out the other end people will remember me here absolutely devastated but the fact was my husband was suffering terrible with mental health issues .
The service has amazing help if he is willing to reach out they can gently push him to seek help .

It may have been a silly argument but his behaviour was unacceptable and intimidating.
He won't loose his job and charges where not pressed it was a welfare check . If this was assault he can actually go into his job explain to his chief whats happening they will pull out all the stops to help him and if they feel they need to give him time off with supports they will.
These users thanked the author Dnwa for the post:
CocoRose

Elsie
Posts: 12100
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:35 pm
Has thanked: 80 times
Been thanked: 40 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#27 Post by Elsie »

i was going to say that you or your older son? should suggest he seeks help at work. family member is also PO and i know they can access help if required.

i hope youve had time to think rationally this morning and have decided what you want to do about this marriage and how to deal with what happened last night in the cold light of day. Its not gonna be easy but keep strong and dont let him put any blame on you.

Surely he will still bring your son to whatever it is they have planned.... i think this is very important.
These users thanked the author Elsie for the post:
CocoRose

Nodrog
Posts: 3990
Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:22 pm
Has thanked: 19 times
Been thanked: 98 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#28 Post by Nodrog »

How are you doing today op?

CocoRose
Posts: 12807
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 11:29 pm
Has thanked: 76 times
Been thanked: 143 times

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#29 Post by CocoRose »

I hope you're OK OP. There's some good advice on this thread. Your DH can save the marriage now if he chooses to sort out his anger and moods and look to repair the damage. The ball is in his court.

anon76
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I called the Gardai in relation to my husband

#30 Post by anon76 »

Thank you all. Ye are such a wonderful bunch. Last night was hellish. Didn't sleep a wink but up to my eyes with work so I had something to focus on. Even though I was completely zombiefied. Husband has taken 15 year old for the day as planned. He is still not taking any responsibility and is angry with me for contacting Gardai but he is not aggressive. He has tried to play down what happened yesterday evening but he really can't as my adult son and his partner were here. Don't really know how this will pan out but I need sleep and intend on just going to bed when day is over :crazy1:

Post Reply

Return to “Advice/Anon”