Personality clash at work

[Sad At Work]

I have never experienced this before- lucky me. A new person started at the start of the year. They are very good and capable, however we have a very different way of working and every time I do something they are in my ear. We are both managers at the same level so neither is over or under the other.
I am not a confrontational person, and this person has strong opinions and comes across very confident.
They are getting pi$$ed off with me, and how I do things, and I am getting upset at how they are reacting. I very much enjoy my job but since this person has come on board, the atmosphere has totally changed. I feel like I should be constantly apologising to this person. I can't work here any more like this. I have had enough emotional turmoil in my personal life that has scarred me deeply, and I am not going to take this sort of overbearing behaviour in work.
I don't want to row with this person, but I feel really upset that I am being levered out.
We do both report to someone but they are very hands off and are not involved with the day to day work.
Any suggestions?

[Holly88]

That’s very difficult.
If you don’t need to answer to her then don’t.
This is her s@@t not yours.
I’d be inclined to see if you can challenge yourself to just push back on her over-bearing ness.
Like don’t answer her emails at least not straight away or if it’s verbal interaction just say not right now maybe we can talk about this again. Be unavailable if you can at all. Give it back to her in a polite but firm way.
Is there anybody at work you can talk to?
Sorry you are going through this.

[Tinky]

Sorry you are going through this, we spend too much time at work to be upset.

What is she doing or saying that makes you think or feel you should apologise to her?

Does she even realise what she is being like? Would an honest chat over coffee outside of the office do any good?


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[luxie]

Is she emailing you or walking over? Doesn’t she have enough work of her own to do without worrying how you do/don’t do things?


If they walk over - pick up the phone as you see them coming and do the wavy can’t talk thing. Just as a starting point.

If email just don’t reply.

It’s very draining that kind of thing

[Kensington]

Is she interfering in your work and tasks or is it that you have to work together on projects? If she is interfering in how you do your job, say to her pleasantly "actually this is how I approach this task" and then ignore. If it is a joint project thing then you will have to sit down with her and say to her frankly that you have a problem with your interactions and you both need to discuss it. I would be very open about the fact that your style might be different from hers but that is not a problem - in fact different approaches in a team is a strength. And remind her you are both on the same level at work and she is not your manager.

Or you could say "you're not the boss of me" every time she opens her mouth sticking out tongue optional.

Do you have an HR department? If so ask for their assistance. Otherwise you could also ask for a 1:1 with your manager and make them realise that this is a serious issue and they can't simply adopt a hands-off approach on this one.

[Shining]

Getting pissed off at you sounds like bullying: acting in a sustained manner to upset you.
Firstly she has no right to be pissed off with you. How does she show this?

[luxie]

Getting pissed off at you sounds like bullying: acting in a sustained manner to upset you.
Firstly she has no right to be pissed off with you. How does she show this?

That’s what I’m wondering.

[Groucho]

Is this other person male, by any chance? The confidence and overbearing my-way-is-the-right-way seems quite male. Either way, I'd first have a private chat with your manager to ensure he/she has the heads up - you can use the points you've made in your OP, as that summarises your challenges quite well. If your manager is happy with your work (and I would ask him/her to confirm this), then that is all that you should be concerned about. Assuming this is the case, I'd advise your manager that you don't need him/her to do anything about it for now, because you plan to have a chat with this colleague yourself to try to rebalance the relationship. That you hope this will be sufficient. You have the benefit of a longer relationship and more goodwill in the bank with your manager, but stress that you intend to handle this and not involve him/her any further unless that is required.

Then, with the first conversation under your belt, tackle the colleague (not literally!). I don't know if the approach should be any different if the colleague is male or female, but particularly if it is a male, make sure that you are extremely brisk, factual and completely unemotional. There is an attempt here to assert power over you, and you need to take your own power back. You are equals, so act like that. No talk about whether they like you or not, no wondering if you have done something to annoy them and absolutely no getting upset. Just state your view that the relationship between you two seems to have slipped, and that you want to use this opportunity to clear the air. Have some concrete examples of where you feel you are being undermined and where your colleague has been "pissed off" with you. Ask if you have misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation in any way and ensure he/she either confirms or refutes this. Point out that while you may have different working styles, that does not mean that theirs is better than yours, and that management have never had an issue with how you do your job. Point out that you should both ideally be a support/sounding board for each other and that your intention in having this conversation is to clear the air, find out if there is an actual issue that can be put right, and then move on with a better working relationship. The other person will have every opportunity to have their say, and hopefully will take this. If they are just a power-hungry bullying type, then fronting up to this will hopefully show them that you are not a person to be pushed around.

Best of luck. It's not easy but you have to tackle it or it will only get worse and you'll feel worse as your confidence gets chipped away at.

[Millie]

Or you could say "you're not the boss of me" every time she opens her mouth sticking out tongue optional.

This made me laugh.

OP I would take, if I could, the approach I was once told was a that of Medical Doctors : ‘Never apologise, never explain’. You did fine in your work before she came along. Why do you have to explain to this one?

I have had to work with a couple of bullies in my recent past. The way I dealt with them was to have no conversation I didn’t have to have. I didn’t ask their help or opinion. I avoided all communication with them if I could help it. If I had to address them, it would be completely professional and not friendly.

I kept them out of my energy field as much as possible (I’m a hippy at heart).

Dunno if that will help you but if others have other approaches, maybe one will resonate with you.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Some people have no sensitivity and can ruin your life at work. Best of luck with it.

[Kensington]

Is this other person male, by any chance? The confidence and overbearing my-way-is-the-right-way seems quite male. Either way, I'd first have a private chat with your manager to ensure he/she has the heads up - you can use the points you've made in your OP, as that summarises your challenges quite well. If your manager is happy with your work (and I would ask him/her to confirm this), then that is all that you should be concerned about. Assuming this is the case, I'd advise your manager that you don't need him/her to do anything about it for now, because you plan to have a chat with this colleague yourself to try to rebalance the relationship. That you hope this will be sufficient. You have the benefit of a longer relationship and more goodwill in the bank with your manager, but stress that you intend to handle this and not involve him/her any further unless that is required.

Then, with the first conversation under your belt, tackle the colleague (not literally!). I don't know if the approach should be any different if the colleague is male or female, but particularly if it is a male, make sure that you are extremely brisk, factual and completely unemotional. There is an attempt here to assert power over you, and you need to take your own power back. You are equals, so act like that. No talk about whether they like you or not, no wondering if you have done something to annoy them and absolutely no getting upset. Just state your view that the relationship between you two seems to have slipped, and that you want to use this opportunity to clear the air. Have some concrete examples of where you feel you are being undermined and where your colleague has been "pissed off" with you. Ask if you have misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation in any way and ensure he/she either confirms or refutes this. Point out that while you may have different working styles, that does not mean that theirs is better than yours, and that management have never had an issue with how you do your job. Point out that you should both ideally be a support/sounding board for each other and that your intention in having this conversation is to clear the air, find out if there is an actual issue that can be put right, and then move on with a better working relationship. The other person will have every opportunity to have their say, and hopefully will take this. If they are just a power-hungry bullying type, then fronting up to this will hopefully show them that you are not a person to be pushed around.

Best of luck. It's not easy but you have to tackle it or it will only get worse and you'll feel worse as your confidence gets chipped away at.

this is really good advice. Especially the brisk, factual and unemotional bit. For example, don't say "you make me feel ..." Instead say "it impedes my work when you interfere outside your remit and I have no interest in supervising your work as it isn't in my job description so let's agree we'll stay in our own lanes from now on"

[mcmammy2]

Nothing to add but I think Kensington and Groucho have given excellent advice. I also find it is best to be authoritative and direct. People like that do seem to back down when confronted calmly and directly. Sorry you are having to deal with that. There really is no need for people to act like that in a workplace and I usually find it's an insecurity or other problem with the person not with you.

[Muggins]

Great advice from Groucho, I would add to make notes in advance of the chat and think very hard about your wording.
I had a recent difficult conversation with a colleague and decided to use the phrase 'I've observed', factual and impersonal, not accusatory.
If you can practice with someone at home or by yourself and run through the important statements you want to make so you feel prepared, best of luck.

[Millie]

Is this other person male, by any chance? The confidence and overbearing my-way-is-the-right-way seems quite male. Either way, I'd first have a private chat with your manager to ensure he/she has the heads up - you can use the points you've made in your OP, as that summarises your challenges quite well. If your manager is happy with your work (and I would ask him/her to confirm this), then that is all that you should be concerned about. Assuming this is the case, I'd advise your manager that you don't need him/her to do anything about it for now, because you plan to have a chat with this colleague yourself to try to rebalance the relationship. That you hope this will be sufficient. You have the benefit of a longer relationship and more goodwill in the bank with your manager, but stress that you intend to handle this and not involve him/her any further unless that is required.

Then, with the first conversation under your belt, tackle the colleague (not literally!). I don't know if the approach should be any different if the colleague is male or female, but particularly if it is a male, make sure that you are extremely brisk, factual and completely unemotional. There is an attempt here to assert power over you, and you need to take your own power back. You are equals, so act like that. No talk about whether they like you or not, no wondering if you have done something to annoy them and absolutely no getting upset. Just state your view that the relationship between you two seems to have slipped, and that you want to use this opportunity to clear the air. Have some concrete examples of where you feel you are being undermined and where your colleague has been "pissed off" with you. Ask if you have misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation in any way and ensure he/she either confirms or refutes this. Point out that while you may have different working styles, that does not mean that theirs is better than yours, and that management have never had an issue with how you do your job. Point out that you should both ideally be a support/sounding board for each other and that your intention in having this conversation is to clear the air, find out if there is an actual issue that can be put right, and then move on with a better working relationship. The other person will have every opportunity to have their say, and hopefully will take this. If they are just a power-hungry bullying type, then fronting up to this will hopefully show them that you are not a person to be pushed around.

Best of luck. It's not easy but you have to tackle it or it will only get worse and you'll feel worse as your confidence gets chipped away at.

Dunno how I missed this post. Great advice Groucho.

[elizaDoo]

God I really miss the days where you could tell someone like them to "P*ss off!" Its really horrible when you have to work with someone like that, probably trying to make their mark and change things to suit their ways.
Maybe let HR know what's going on before you have a word with your colleague so that they cannot turn it around on you. I have seen it many times where the person confronted then goes to HR to say that they are the injured party.
Why can't people just come in, do their job and keep their noses out of other peoples business.

[HeyJude]

Great advice above from Groucho and Kensington. This person is basically trying to bully you. I would also have a quick word with your manager and explain the situation to them (clear, no emotions, examples of behaviour etc.) and then take it from there. It's a horrible situation but one a lot of us have experienced in work..some people should just stay at home and not interact with other people ever.