How to be more hands off with family

[FamilyHelpPlease]

Could I please ask for advice from those who've been there about handing taking a step back from your family. This has been bubbling away in my head for years now. Since having my own children I've realised I am totally different to my own parents and siblings. Me and my husband have different priorities for our family. My parents have a strange dynamic and I don't want to repeat it or have it be part of my children's lives any more than is necessary. I don't want to go no or even low contact. I just want to be able to set firm boundaries and maintain contact such as having family events like birthdays as a group. My father in particular does not take kindly to push back from me even in a very minor way. I've this evening told my mother I will not be doing something I would usually automatically agree to in order to keep the peace. She was not pleased and I am expecting a bout of the silent treatment from her. There are other sibling dynamics I won't go into. We would get along fine at a surface level but if any discussion starts that goes beyond that it gets very uncomfortable for me and in the past I would swallow my words I've become more vocal but this has had repercussions for me. I hope I'm explaining the issue so people will understand whats going on.
Is there a book anyone could recommend on learning not to mull over what happened in the past and handing my future plans for communication and contact? I don't want to do counselling for many reasons.

[Vino]

My advice would be to deal with this in bite size pieces rather than all in one go.
So deal with the expected silent treatment for now as you intend to go on. Don't react as you would've in the past be it attempting to reason with her her keep making contact or whatever. Decide on an approach you're comfortable with and use that going forward.

Try not engage or be drawn into discussions you know don't align with your life and where your views won't be respected. If you do get drawn in stay true to your beliefs but remain calm. If necessary point out you're an adult and have enough experience to make your own decisions.

Also respect their differences and priorities once they aren't something which jeopardises anyone else's wellbeing. You're entitled to your own preferences and so are they.

[Nodrog]

I think a form of *grey rock* technique might help here.

Also, when asked to do something, rather than say no and have them kick off, say, let me get back to you on that.

Regarding counselling, if you have unresolved issues from your childhood they are not going to dissappear. I know you say you have your reasons not to go but I would urge you to reconsider.

[callalily]

You're entitled to your own preferences and so are they.

This is true.
I have many, many different opinions from those of my siblings and parents. Friends too. But I don’t get drawn into debates if I know I’m set in my thinking and they are too.
Is your family particularly combative in that sense?

Counselling would be very helpful to help you recognise patterns, both in your thinking and your reactions, and why you have them.

[YankeeC]

I also have to deal with an older family member who is completely set in their thinking, has zero heed on any "emotions", or what I might "feel like" doing.
There is no point trying to explain myself to this person. It just doesn't compute. So intelligent in so many ways, but cannot see there is any way of doing things only their own.
Mostly I just need to remind myself that my actions/thoughts/preferences/decisions are as valid - to me- as theirs are to them. And then let my mind rest at that,no further explanation to anybody required.
Grey rock technique would describe it well, being pleasantly vague, marking out your own boundaries to myself(and actually sticking to them is the hard part), but broadcasting those boundaries - in my situation, I would be 100% wasting my breath.

[honeybell]

I realised years ago that I was a different person around certain members of my family and I usually felt awful after seeing them. I wasn't able to be the adult I'd become around them and seeing them made me feel stressed and powerless. I basically took control back and only saw them under my own terms and some of them I rarely see. I know you don't want to avoid your family but I think it's really ok to only see them on your own terms.