Father commenting on my weight

[angelika]

I’m obviously in the minority but maybe he was just concerned and didn’t realise you were so sensitive about it? It doesn’t sound malicious at all to me. I’d agree 12 isn’t very overweight but you seem to agree that you need to lose weight so you do agree with him.

I would think any concern for someone who is a size 12 is seriously misplaced. And the OP either wanting or needing to lose weight is nobody's business but the OP's. If I were concerned about a loved one's weight the last thing I would do is mention their weight. It never, ever helps.

And in reality, concern is more appropriate in instances where someone has lost weight as it can be a sign of serious illness but the natural reaction in our society is to congratulate someone and compliment them.

This is a genuine question. If you were concerned about a family members weight what would you do?

Do you imagine that overweight people don't realise they are overweight? What good would mentioning it do? Unless there was some reason the person couldn't access some way of losing weight (due to mobility issues, or lack of transport to shops or something like that) or in some way not fully able to look after their own health, I just can't see what benefit there would be to telling someone they are overweight.

[Apple]

Well someone is dhs family died as a result of obesity. The rest of the family never spoke about it but have now lived a life or what ifs/ why didn’t we try to help etc. it may not have helped but the feeling of never acknowledging the very obvious has left a scar that can’t be healed. They did just show up and now wish they had an open discussion about what was undoubtedly a painful issue in the persons life.

ETA I just wonder if someone put a post up seeking advice on a family member with health issues due to obesity what would people say? Just do nothing?

[angelika]

But the reality is that commenting on the person's weight is very, very unlikely to have helped in any way.

My advice if someone posted asking for advice about a family member with weight issues would be to be supportive of any efforts they make to lost weight and to talk to them about it gently if they bring it up.

[Rita]

Not sure what they could have done tbh. The what’s ifs though are hard.
Saying it directly to a person wouldn’t help most likely but perhaps supporting them other ways can. Maybe if it’s lack of suitable food helping them with meals would help. Say if they couldn’t cook or shop also lived on takeaways
Depends though on the person. .

Would you say it to a smoker or drinker or someone who never exercised but wasn’t overweight? Or someone who didn’t look after their health in other ways by perhaps being too busy to see a doctor. We really aren’t responsible for others. We can only support them, be there for them, listen etc.

[Happymammy]

Well someone is dhs family died as a result of obesity. The rest of the family never spoke about it but have now lived a life or what ifs/ why didn’t we try to help etc. it may not have helped but the feeling of never acknowledging the very obvious has left a scar that can’t be healed. They did just show up and now wish they had an open discussion about what was undoubtedly a painful issue in the persons life.

ETA I just wonder if someone put a post up seeking advice on a family member with health issues due to obesity what would people say? Just do nothing?

I would advise just as Grasscutter said. And I would under no circumstances tell them that they were overweight & needed to lose weight. They already know that themselves.

[barneyrubble]

Even to the point where it’s a health issue? I think that’s simplistic.

Unless someone has shared some health information/issue with you, you have no idea if there is a health issue based on a person appearance

[RDR]

Even to the point where it’s a health issue? I think that’s simplistic.

My father is overweight. He has been overweight my entire conscious life. He had a heart attack aged 52 and has had other health related issues which are related to being overweight. Believe me there is absolutely nothing a family member can say that will make a difference. It is in ways like addiction where the only person who can effect change is the person who is overweight. It isn't just the saying stuff. Family members can try to improve the meals, the kind of food in the house. It makes no difference unless the adult actually wants to do something about the weight. To an extent the same applies with doctors though I think them raising concerns has more impact as they are actually qualified to make an assessment about the health impacts of the weight.

[ainm2]

I think it's different if it's your child, rather than any other family member. If my child started smoking I'd certainly tell them it was unhealthy, same if they started drinking more than I thought was sensible, I would bring it up. If they were eating very unhealthily I'd also mention it as a health concern. I wouldn't mention weight specifically probably, unless they were really very obese - I'm not sure, but I imagine at that point that they would mention it themselves and I'd try to help them find a way forward.

This is not at all related to the size 12 OP now, but I think we might be reaching a point in society where it is so unPC to mention weight that it's difficult to say that being obese is unhealthy. When I explain to my kids about healthy eating and exercise I mention that being very overweight is unhealthy. Just as when I explain about smoking I tell them it damages your lungs. Nobody wants to hear it but obesity is bad for your health. I haven't read any study that says it isn't. I know some overweight people can still have good fitness or strength but as I understood it obesity is still independently linked to multiple morbidity risks. If there's new research to say it isn't then I'm happy to be corrected!

[DiscoGirl]

Great points anim2, I would feel the same re the smoking & drinking alcohol, both are bad for your health and would have no problem taking about it , so we should be able to discuss obesity

[Rita]

I think there are so many different factors to weight..it isn’t always food related..that it is much harder to broach.
Particularly with young people as one comment , meant well, can cause so many issues for some.

Tbh your adult child probably won’t listen to you regarding alcohol or smoking or drugs either. Or maybe they will nod and agree but in their heads think what does she know?

[Holly]

I think having a discussion around smoking and alcohol consumption is different to discussing obesity because the latter is commenting on a persons appearance vs something they are doing. Pointing out to children that obesity is unhealthy is tricky because it leads them to start making judgements about people based on how they look (I know we all do this sub consciously but for me I’m not comfortable leading my children towards doing it). I don’t know what the right answer is but I know that overweight/obese people have it hard enough living in a world where thinness is valued without adding to it. I’d rather educate my children that all bodies are good bodies because of what they do for us, that we all come in different shapes and sizes, why it’s important for them to take care of their bodies by eating a good range of foods and exercising etc etc. In other words, teach them to appreciate their body and develop healthy habits without having to compare what is healthy /unhealthy in terms of another person’s body.

[StarryNight]

I think having a discussion around smoking and alcohol consumption is different to discussing obesity because the latter is commenting on a persons appearance vs something they are doing. Pointing out to children that obesity is unhealthy is tricky because it leads them to start making judgements about people based on how they look (I know we all do this sub consciously but for me I’m not comfortable leading my children towards doing it). I don’t know what the right answer is but I know that overweight/obese people have it hard enough living in a world where thinness is valued without adding to it. I’d rather educate my children that all bodies are good bodies because of what they do for us, that we all come in different shapes and sizes, why it’s important for them to take care of their bodies by eating a good range of foods and exercising etc etc. In other words, teach them to appreciate their body and develop healthy habits without having to compare what is healthy /unhealthy in terms of another person’s body.

This is a really good point. I was a size 6 as a teen and into my early 20s, and I was probably very unhealthy in terms of diet, alcohol consumption and lifestyle. I travelled a lot for work and had a lot of meals out with clients which usually involved booze as well. Little or no exercise. I have a way better diet and exercise lifestyle now and I get a good night's sleep every night and have no work stress, but I'd fluctuate between a 10/12/14 depending on clothes/time of the month. I don't think you can assume a person's weight or general outward appearance means they're healthy or unhealthy. I have a lot of hangups from comments from my mother/females in the family about weight, one aunt's opening remark whenever you see her is a comment on whether you've lost/gained weight. That mindset is still rampant. I've been listening to Maintenance Phase podcast and its helped me unpack a lot of the messaging I got around weight and looks as a child and teen.

[Badb]

Good points Holly and StarryNight. My father comments regularly on my weight, usually in a supposedly 'positive' way, telling me I've lost weight (lost a 'tank of weight' is his favourite phrase). Usually I've lost no weight at all, and I've got a health issue at the moment which means that I've put on weight actually. He's started commenting on my 7 year old DD's weight now - again, in a 'positive' way - and I've had to start pulling him up on it. I don't understand why he feels the need to comment, and I know he thinks he is complimenting me, but size is such a frought thing for women. Especially I think those of us who were in our teens/20s during the hideous size-0 thing during the 2000s - I definitely have a distorted sense of my own body thanks to that culture. I was very thin as a young adult - though with an absolutely terrible diet and lifestyle - and I'm finding it extremely hard to deal with putting on weight as I've got older and had children, to the extent that my body physically disgusts me at times. And I'm a bit overweight, not obese, but my sense of self-worth and value is so bound up in clothes size and 'pinching an inch', which is awful and wrong and not what I want to pass on to my daughter.

I hope this thread doesn't go the way of most weight threads on Mumsnet, where they fall over themselves to school us about vanity sizing and how we are all deluding ourselves that we are normal sizes when we are clearly obese based on sizing from the 50s and 60s where you know they had the most healthy lifestyles

[kasakins]

I know all to well the impact parents comments can have on someone. I agree with the people saying never comment on weight. You have no idea what effect the words can have. My mother and my father to a smaller degree comment on everyone's weight. every description of a person they talk about will involve their weight. My mam, who is a size 10 all her life still thinks she is overweight and will often say she needs to 'sort that out'.......shes 78! does it ever end.

I have suffered with an eating disorder since I have 15, I would have been a size 10/12. I can still hear the comments from my parents about the wearing of the heels of my shoes and it was because of the size of my backside. I still suffer hugely with my self image and have slipped back to old habits over the years and still my parents will comment on weight. My daughter is the latest . she is a size 12. they haven't said anything to her, but they say it to me. i have told them under no circumstances are they to mention anything to her. She is 15 and happy with her appearance. she has no self esteem issues and is a beautiful girl. I actually get sad sometimes when i look at her and think I wish I had that self love and confidence.

sorry for waffling..No one knows what 'helpful' words will land and take root.

[CocoRose]

If it upset the OP how her father said this, then it was badly done. She's not 'his chid', she's a grown woman who is well aware she's a few pounds to lose. Being size 12 isn't a cause for concern either, so why did he bother? I think usually these things don't come from such a pure place, often it's just about appearance and sort yourself out type mentality. I think that generation are the worst for it, no matter how overweight they themselves might be.

I know it tends to go like this but I think i's a pity for the OP the thread didn't stay on topic as she's clearly been upset by this and she is not dealing with obesity. Even if she was, how would a statement of the bloody obvious at a kitchen sink help the person?! My advice is he apologsied so he knows you were upset by it, I'd just let it go and focus on your own goals xx