Father commenting on my weight

[Mortified]

Like many people at 40 I'm not the slimmest, I'm a size 12 in most clothes and to be strictly honest have put on the covid weight thanks to being more sedentary in the past 2 years and eating and drinking less carefully than I should. I let myself have one last blowout during the family holiday last month and have been trying to do more exercise and eat better. I don't have a scales nor do I want to know my exact weight as I've struggled with extremely disordered eating in my past so I go by the look and feel of my clothes.
At the weekend I was up with my parents and the kids and while helping my dad with the washing up he commented on my weight and asked I was doing something about it. I was shocked but told him it was really inappropriate and I didn't want to discuss it. He was a little defensive and said he was only asking as my father who was concerned. I pulled myself together for the rest of the visit and haven't said a word to dh or anyone else because I'm still not sure really how I feel or what to think.
Yes I want to tackle my weight for myself but his comments now make me feel he'll think he was absolutely right to make remarks if and when I shed some weight. I don't want him making any more comments and I don't really want to bring it up because I'm absolutely terrible with confrontation with my parents and I tend to go into a head space where I actively decide not to deal with issues I have because I know it wouldn't be pleasant for me and could end up with another set of issues. I absolutely don't want him making remarks to my kids either one of whom isn't very confident and would be knocked back significantly with a remark on their appearance.
My dad dropped in today and made a half hearted comment that he was a bit in the wrong yesterday and I said we'll leave it there and say no more. Maybe it's resolved now but I just had to write all this out for my own sake. I don't know if I even need any advice or what my reason for posting is. Thanks if you read this far.

[Deise]

I would tell him to FRO. I can't see how a sz 12 wouldn't be a healthy weight, so he should mind hos own business.

[ali]

Feck sake you are a grown adult not a child, he may be your father but as a grown adult to another adult he should not have commented. Any type of comment about weight always causes upset, a person knows full well that offence and upset will be caused. Would think 90% of the country have put on weight after all the covid lockdowns, myself included. Always think when people pass comment on weight, why do it...I know when I look in a mirror, put on a pair of trousers that I have put on weight, I dont need someone to tell me. Main thing is your tackling the weight, I need to tackle my weight too and good for you actually doing it, I have been staring at the exercise bike for the past week but havent actually got my backside up on it yet.

[tippexile]

I would tell him to FRO. I can't see how a sz 12 wouldn't be a healthy weight, so he should mind hos own business.

Exactly. Are your family the type who value slimness above all? If you were massively overweight in a way that affects your health, then your dad might have been able to ask about your weight. But a size 12 is slim not fat.

[RedHen]

If you were a size 18 or 20, I think he should mind his own business never mind a perfectly appropriate size 12. I hate when people try to pass off these remarks as 'concern'. You were so right to pick him up on it. Sometimes when we are taken by surprise, we let it pass. It sounds like he's gotten the message though and you nipped it in the bud.

[TCR]

My dad does this.

[DiscoGirl]

I hope over the next few days the feeling you have subsides, it’s very hard to hear something that isn’t nice especially from a family member, from the sounds of it he knows he was wrong and you have said your piece so hopefully that’s the end of it ,
As the old saying goes if you’ve nothing nice to say don’t say it, something we all need to be reminded of I think .

[Stripy]

Sometimes older men can be a bit tactless. It was more than likely coming from a place of concern. It's a personal, sensitive matter to you and I think he probably didn't realise this. From my owm experience, any interactions like this are fraught with personal baggage. He's obviously realised his mistake so I would let it go. If you're worried about a comment to your kids, you need to address that specifically in a proactive way with him.

[RDR]

Dear lord. Absolutely none of his business and he shouldn't have said anything. The stuff parents think they can say to their adult children in the guise of concern (with no thought or regard to the fact that their children are fully functioning middle-aged adults) never ceases to amaze me. And it is not rare, or certainly not rare enough. It is rarely really about caring unless they actually have grounds for questioning your mental capacity.

I don't know what your dad is like generally but IME some people are way worse for this kind of stuff than others. And it isn't restricted to parents. (section removed)

Comments made by my own father when I was a teen had a long-lasting (though not forever lasting) impact on me. Maybe the sensitivity to people commenting about others weight is forever lasting now that I think about it.

Was anyone's life ever made better by anyone making unhelpful critical observations like this?

I'm glad you wrote it down here and hope it helps. He was out of order. Judge him, dismiss him, but move on and remember that his opinion and rudeness are just that (an opinion, and rude).

[ainm2]

He was out of line but to be honest he dropped it when requested and apologized next day so I'd leave it at that. It's very hurtful to hear it from a parent but honestly previous generations are always a law unto themselves and it's not worth falling out over. Easier said than done but try to put his opinion out of your mind and focus on what *you* want to do with your body. As others have said, at a size 12 you are hardly massive, but just find what you are comfortable with yourself.

[Cinquecento]

My mother made a comment to me about my weight years ago when I was in my 20s. I was always very thin - too thin - but once I discovered college, freedom, pints, eating out etc I put on a lot very quickly. To go from a size 8 to a 14 quickly was noticeable and didn’t suit me. Which I knew. She told me I was fat and what was I going to do about it. I was furious and when I said so I was told ‘sure who else will tell you’.

Ten years later when I had my first child at 35 she
made a remark about baby weight and how she was back in her mini skirts after having me (at 24). I told her I was 11 years older and it wasn’t a competition.

She has a disordered view of eating/weight and I will not tolerate her mentioning that shit in front of my daughters. They are at such a vulnerable age.

[Grasscutter]

My mother's attitude to weight and her comments I think impacted a huge amount on my happiness in my teen years and beyond.

My brother recently mentioned that my DD2 was looking well and that she'd lost weight. I was fuming but I ignored it because I know he and his wife have awful attitudes to people who are overweight and I wasn't going to change that. But if he'd said it to DD2's face I think I'd have had to mention it.

Your father was bang out of order and I'm sorry it happened. I hope he's learned his lesson.

[Apple]

I’m obviously in the minority but maybe he was just concerned and didn’t realise you were so sensitive about it? It doesn’t sound malicious at all to me. I’d agree 12 isn’t very overweight but you seem to agree that you need to lose weight so you do agree with him.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

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[Aphex]

That's horrible Mortified. To me, size 12 is slim or, in some cases, very slim. I'm really surprised that anyone (including on this thread) would think otherwise. I hope your dad has got the message and can keep a pin in it, regardless of what you decide to do. People always have something to say don't they, regardless of whether you have put on weight or lost it? Just a pity when it's your close family.