Father commenting on my weight

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DiscoGirl
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#61 Post by DiscoGirl »

janeymac wrote: Tue Aug 16, 2022 9:08 pm I think we live in a society that loves thin and especially thin women . And being thin is associated with being attractive and desirable. And fatness is sometimes associated with greed or lack of control. Women are judged all the time for our weight. In magazines, praised for weight loss and called horrible names for gaining weight.
So for women particularly but not exclusively of course ,excess weight can be very tied up with self esteem.
I don't think most women are unaware when they are overweight or that they are happy like this.
You can be sure they know already.
If only obesity could be sorted by a concerned relative having a few words. Those words could really hurt someone like the op. And rather than spur them into action, further affect their self esteem and upset them.
Agree, and the funny thing is the amount of young teen girls watching the likes of Love Island thinking that’s how they should all look ,
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#62 Post by StarryNight »

Deeda wrote: Tue Aug 16, 2022 10:09 pm I found this Maintenance Phase episode quite informative in terms of whether being fat is an actual health risk in its own right or not https://pca.st/episode/dad0528b-6089-4e ... 302031d87e
Maintenance Phase is brilliant. They have such good insights.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#63 Post by DiscoGirl »

Zaleemy wrote: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:03 am The problem with enforcing the mindset of fat-bad is that you are constantly judged when you are overweight/obese. Fat people are instantly thought of as being lazy and stupid.

If you go for a job interview and you are a smoker, it makes no difference to whether you get the job or not, even though they can be as or more unhealthy than an obese person.

I’m obese and as the daughter of a woman that hates fat people, I can tell you that 100% commenting on someone’s weight does not help them. If it did I would not be obese. My mother has constantly told me how fat I am, how unhealthy I am, how I’m destroying my life. Can you imagine that in the 40+ years of my life she has never once told me that I look nice?! Over all the occasions, weddings, communions etc she has never been able to see past me being fat. As I result I hate myself and have zero self esteem. I have not been in a photo since I was about 10 years old because I hate looking at myself and no doubt everyone else does too.

So I can confirm, telling a fat person that they have gained weight or are fat etc never helps, never. That person is already painfully aware of just how fat they are.
They don’t ❤️
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#64 Post by ainm2 »

I despise programmes like Love Island where the female body is only ever "perfect" and bikini ready at every moment. (And where there is heavy focus on pairing up with a man :rolleyes: ) I actually think there should be legislation about it, although I have no idea how you'd write it down. To be honest, many TV shows aimed at young audiences have entirely conventionally beautiful cast members, which is not great for our children watching them.
To be clear, I am absolutely not suggesting that it's a good idea to judge people on their appearance. If I ever hear my kids commenting on anybody's appearance, I would nip it in the bud immediately. Also, if they comment about somebody smoking, that it's a bad thing to do, I tell them that it is bad for your health but the person they are looking at probably wishes they could give up and it is very addictive and not to be judgemental about it. I would never give them the impression that being overweight indicates that somebody is lazy or stupid in any way. But it seems wrong to me to avoid telling them that being obese is bad for your health, it's an important piece of information. Especially in the world we live in where food (and particularly junk food) is so freely/cheaply available at every turn.

Zaleemy, I think what you described is very sad - we are all seeking parental acceptance in some way, even in adulthood, and what you have endured is extremely hurtful. When I said that I might comment if my child was putting on a lot of weight, it would never be to tell them that they looked bad, only to try to help them to be healthier. I must say that I would tread more cautiously after reading this thread and thinking about it more.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#65 Post by ainm2 »

StarryNight wrote: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:12 am
Deeda wrote: Tue Aug 16, 2022 10:09 pm I found this Maintenance Phase episode quite informative in terms of whether being fat is an actual health risk in its own right or not https://pca.st/episode/dad0528b-6089-4e ... 302031d87e
Maintenance Phase is brilliant. They have such good insights.
I tried to listen to this but found it very irritating with the two women constantly roaring laughing and the one who was supposed to be explaining the science saying "like" every third word :blush: What I got from it was that there was a study saying X (high number) of deaths were caused by obesity and then another study saying Y (much lower number) of deaths were caused by obesity and the author of the second study got a lot of grief for it. I didn't like that the author of the second study was thanked for her assistance in putting together the program..... seems a bit biased! However, I think it was undisputed that obesity puts you at higher risk for various illnesses, the conversation was about the number of deaths and which figure was correct - I didn't get enough into it to develop an opinion on who was right there!
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#66 Post by StarryNight »

Are you sure it was MP you listened to? There's one male and one female presenter, Michael Hobbes and Aubrey Gordon.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#67 Post by DiscoGirl »

Can I also say there is absolutely nothing wrong either with being thin, and bikini ready, I often find the sneering at a woman who is slim & good looking uncalled for, maybe it’s an Irish thing , it’s almost as women are punished for being beautiful & slim, and sadly it’s usually other women who are the haters .
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#68 Post by Happymammy »

DiscoGirl wrote: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:46 am Can I also say there is absolutely nothing wrong either with being thin, and bikini ready, I often find the sneering at a woman who is slim & good looking uncalled for, maybe it’s an Irish thing , it’s almost as women are punished for being beautiful & slim, and sadly it’s usually other women who are the haters .
What is 'bikini ready'? If you have a bikini then you are bikini ready, you don't need to wait until you are some arbitrary 'acceptable to others' weight before you can live your best life and ignore others. I hate the incidious fat shaming which has become part our language, thoughts etc. Not picking on you DiscoGirl, it's something that is so ingrained in our culture that I think we are all guilty of it at some point.
And I agree with your point regarding women who are thin being sneered at, that is no more acceptable than someone overweight being sneered at is.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#69 Post by DiscoGirl »

You are right Happymammy, not the best choice of words on my part,of course every body is bikini ready regardless of being slim or otherwise, The point I was trying to make was being thin & tanned , the so called “perfection “ perceived by a lot of people & media
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#70 Post by Grasscutter »

Zaleemy I apologise for getting fg personal about your mother but I would much rather live in a society that could eradicate viewpoints like hers than one with zero obesity. Health is utterly worthless without happiness so this focus on concern about people’s health is nearly always bullshit IMO. I’m angry for you Zaleemy. No one should have that experience.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#71 Post by Aisling28 »

I am overweight , I put weight on years ago at a very stressful time and cannot seem to lose it. A few relatives have said it to me including one at a family dinner when I was ordering Dessert!!!. It didn't make me lose weight though.
One thing I find is I went swimming with a few friends recently. My friends who look like a very healthy weight and both wear around size 12 spent their time criticising their bodies and comparing them to other women on the beach. They were obsessed. I got bored and went off swimming on my own. So I realised I'm probably happier with my body than they are with theirs.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#72 Post by DiscoGirl »

That’s just it Aishling being a size 10/12 doesn’t mean you are happy either
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#73 Post by ainm2 »

StarryNight wrote: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:34 am Are you sure it was MP you listened to? There's one male and one female presenter, Michael Hobbes and Aubrey Gordon.
You are right it was a man and a woman, I thought the man was a woman based on voice!
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#74 Post by Deeda »

As I get older I realise there are different mindsets about what we as humans can control about ourselves - I’ve seen naturally slim people believe that weight is 100% controllable, which I think therefore makes them feel superior in some way to those who are overweight. This attitude rubs off on everyone, and is perpetuated by many parts of society/media. Ridiculously, I know tall men who seem to believe this about height too.

I believe there are so many uncontrollable (genes, hormones etc) and unknown scientifically reasons why people are overweight, every “body” is different, there truly is no “one size fits all” body shape or approach. I’m shallow and prefer how I look when thinner, maybe I have been programmed to believe that by society but it is an aesthetic I prefer for me. It’s hard work though and sometimes that aim takes a backseat to other things in life.

There are biases in medicine against being overweight, it gets blamed for more problems/issues than is backed up by the science - losing weight isn’t always a cure-all, and the focus on it first can sometimes delay diagnoses.

I agree that someone else commenting is never helpful, and usually very hurtful - falls into the “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” category in my book.
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Re: Father commenting on my weight

#75 Post by Grasscutter »

Excellent post Deeda.
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