What's the purpose in life.

[Lost my way]

This could be a bit of a ramble, I feel i have lost my way in life, I'm struggling with the constant hamster wheel that is motherhood. I know everyone goes through the same at some stage though I feel I'm at an end with it. My kids are teenagers and whilst not the worst in the world if they ask me one more time to find something for them I think I'll kill someone maybe not literally but it's driving me insane. DH is no better, have you seen this, have you seen that, yes it's in the drawer second one down on the left, response from DH it's not there. I go down to the drawer second one down on the left and guess what it's there.

I do not have any patience anymore, i'm so close to losing it. I have lost my mojo for life, I am so fatigued, I have no motivation, I feel so sad, nothing makes me happy, I have so many balls in the air that I'm juggling that it feels like it's going to all come crashing down. I didn't actually realize it was a problem until I went to a GP yesterday, I was making a visit because my blood pressure has been through the roof for the past 4 weeks. My regular GP wasn't there so I saw a locum she was great, I spent about 45 minutes with her, we talked or more like I talked and talked and talked, she quizzed me on every aspect of my life and told me that I'm suffering from stress. I honestly had no clue. That makes me sound so stupid. I only work part time and She asked me when I had free time what do I do with it, I had no answer as I'm not able to do anything. I do have a hobby which I used to love, but now it causes me imense stress I don't know why, my heart just starts to race and if my work area is anyway untidy my heart feels like it's about to jump out of my chest.

Now when it comes to motherhood it's not something I took to, I don't enjoy it, I've never enjoyed it.

I actually thought I was doing great as on my last visit 4 weeks ago we agreed that I should come off my anxiety meds. I thought I was in a good place. Maybe I wasn't in such a good place. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

I just can't see an end in sight. What with menopause, teenagers, elderly parents, life is just a humdrum of nothingness, nothing on the horizon, nothing to make me want to embrace life.

I'm being referred to a counselor and to a cardiac consultant. DH wasn't impressed when I told him that he was part of the problem too, and that I had told the go, he is supportive but I can't stand the stupid questions but I think that is just my general tolerance to everything. I'm just hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How have others come out the other side.

[callalily]

The first thing that jumps out from your post is that you came off medication four weeks ago.
What medication was it? How long did you taper? Why did you come off it?

[purple star]

Are you peri menopausal? You sound like a lot of women on the Facebook group the Irish menopause... I think that's the name... Hope you are ok.

[tippexile]

Like Callalilly says, the thing that jumped out is the fact that you started to come off anxiety medication only 4 weeks ago. Was it tapered? Do you feel that you were expected to come off them but that actually maybe you may need them ? For some people medication is a long term thing and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Also, can I ask would you be perimenopausal or menopausal? Our hormones regulate so much including our sleep and mood and any depletion impacts us.
Counselling will help you but give it time. And remember no mother is perfect. We all have times when we want to hide from our family and run away.
I hope things get better soon

[Anonym0us]

Was on Lexapro then dose was halved for a month and 4 weeks ago I stopped completely. I came off as I thought I was doing great. Obviously not. Peri menopause too, on HRT that has helped with symptoms. I did suffer severe PND with my first born and it kind of feels like that.

My fuse is so short god forbid you ask me a stupid question... I will explode. My tolerance levels are at zero. If you don't have something intelligent to say then I mentally can't deal with it.

I'm so emotional, I just want to cry all the time. I'd love nothing better to leave this life for a month.

In terms of motherhood I don't think I was ever cut out for it.

[twinfun]

Thinking of you how are you doing now?
Did you change your Lexapro dosage?

[Rita]

Did you feel like this on Lexapro

I think you may have stopped too fast. What did the locum say

Are you feeling any better today?

[callalily]

That is a fast taper from an SSRI.
Would you consider restarting and giving it a few weeks to level out your mood?

[Merrygoround20]

You sound worn out and whereas I haven’t taken medication so can’t offer an opinion on that, I do think that you need a break. Is getting away for a few days in the sun an option.

Sitting by a pool with just yourself and a book/music would do you the world of good. Yes the problems will still be there when you return but they will seem easier to manage and your family will get a dose of what it’s like to manage without you.

My DH remarked on holiday that most of our teens sentences begin with ‘Mom’. It can be very trying and you are not alone

[Unnamed poster]

Can you go back and see your own doctor - this doesn't sound right at all.

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[Mammyof2]

I also think you may have come off the Lexapro too quickly. How long were you on it? I was once told that you should take half as long to come off SSRIs as the amount of time you've been on them. I had a similar experience to you when I came off Lustral too fast.. tapered off over a month. I then went on Lexapro and this time tapered off over 4-5 months and that worked much better. I know it's easier said than done but you need to make time to take care of yourself. Meditation, exercise, mindfulness, yoga, journalling, sea swimming, find something that works for you and do it every day. You are just as important as every other member of your family. If you had a physical illness/injury you would have to make the time to recover and build up your strength again, this is no different. Also check out stresscontrol.org which is a free online course recommended by the HSE which you might find useful. I have been where you are and it's absolutely crap but you can feel better.

[Lost my Way]

Thanks for the responses. Went back to my GP yesterday and back on my meds. I know one poster mentioned a holiday, I'm not long back from a week in the sun with my DH and all I did was lie by the pool and read for the week was super relaxing. But I seem to be worse since I came back but that coincides with me stopping meds. I didn't feel like this when I was on lexapro, yes there were times when it would get on top of you but now it seems to be relentless and my patience is so thin. I'm just exhausted and so fatigued, I even got a PCR test to rule out covid.

All I want to do is be alone!

[RDR]

I don't have experience of Lexapro so can't comment but it seems like what happened is ringing a lot of warning bells with other posters. It has to be worth talking to the doc about given the timing seems more than a little coincidental.

Once you've got that input you can then maybe consider looking at the aspects of parenting that are bugging you and what can change. There is a point when kids become teens and more independent where it is I think normal to re-evaluate and set new expectations and push back against the willingness of everyone to "just ask mum". You don't have to do what you've always done but while you're feeling so low and anxious is maybe not the right time. But keep that in the back of your head for when you feel able to tackle it.

Take care of you first.

[Unnamed poster]

I've been and came off lexapro on two occasions 5+years apart, its a life changing drug.
I came off it when I was really really well and was taking good care of myself. The tapering has to be really really gradual, like over a few months. I remember brain shocks being my only complaint and they eventually stopped

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[callalily]

Hopefully you’ll be back on an even keel soon OP. Sadly lots of doctors aren’t very up to speed on proper tapering of certain medications.