Don't like being a mother

[Finding life tough]

Don't even know why I'm posting this. Just need to get it off my chest. I don't enjoy being a parent. I'm finding it so tough and think it may not have been the right decision for me and it's getting harder as my child gets older. My child has special needs and has also recently been diagnosed with physical health issues and I am responsible for most of their care with no support outside the family and very limited family support. DH does very little and his ability to manage our child isn't great and he actually makes things worse at times. We're never on the same page and we parent differently. Neither approach seems to work. I knew I would take on most of the parenting responsibility before I had my child but stupidly never thought about the implications of having a child with special needs.

Twice recently we've had to abandon trips out and come home so I'm now going to be a special needs parent who can't go out with my child and we're going to be prisoners in our own home. I dread the summer as we will have all those days stuck at home. My few hours during school time are mostly spent running errands for other family members who need additional support or driving them to medical appointments. I've explained to a sibling that I have limited time to myself so can't be the go to person for the family and was told 'well I have a full time job'. I've even been phoned when a dishwasher wouldn't work. I still don't know how I was supposed to help. It wasn't something I needed to know about.

I've had to give up part time work becauae it was logistically impossible. I rarely get more that 4 hours of unbroken sleep a night so my mental and physical ability to work would be limited anyway and I'd be useless at work. I do suffer with my mental health and know I need to speak to my GP but dread going in and balling my eyes out which I have done in the past.

I just feel like I've too much on my plate for one person to handle and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Life just keeps throwing more crap my way and there's only so much one person can handle.

[Unnamed poster]

You need and deserve support. The fact you are dreading breaking down in the doctors appointment signals how badly you need to go imo.
I'm sorry you feel this way but you sound like a brilliant mum with a serious lack of support/time to rest and switch off.

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[Fromtheotherone]

Hi I can hear you. You are exhausted & can see no end, everything is too much & it’s very tough. A visit to a gp is a good idea, let yourself cry - you need to. You are not superhuman & no one is expected to be. Have you explained how you are to your partner, you need some timeout now, be it a bath, a walk, or with people. Personally being alone to wallow or work on what could change, helps me, but whatever works get some time out. Stop being the sole minder/responsible one, for even an hour- just do it.
I hope more can give advise but you have done fantastic but need to have time to step out & be minded too. Hugs to you.

[CocoRose]

Who are these people pulling out of you? It's so unfair. Could you send an SOS to that sister about how you feel and appeal to her empathy around dumping you with all the errands.

Hugs to you, there are not many of us who wouldn't feel exactly the same as you under the circumstances, it is a normal reaction to life being hard for you right now. X

[Rita]

You are exhausted, when you become a mother you don’t become super human.

First thing is take a break from the extra with for other family members. Say you are unavailable for a few weeks. You know they will give out but manage.

Go to your gp..they are there to help. Don’t worry about crying. Better out than in.

For your son have you services and have you looked at respite. I know people who do get it , you may have to wait but get him on a list

He also has 2 parents. Your dh May parent differently but once your son is safe leave them. Take a day off. Build up to a weekend away if you can.
They will survive . It is hard to do but you need to get out of the house and leave them to it.

It is tough being a mother at times and tougher when a child has special needs xx

[Grasscutter]

You are being so hard on yourself.

You are saying you were stupid for not considering the implications of having a special needs child. That's not stupid that's totally normal. The human race would not exist if any of truly knew those implications before having our first child because if we did the likelihood is that we would avoid pregnancy - yes, it crosses some minds but it's a thought that is generally brushed away with a prayer and a hope for the best and the thought -sure we will love our child no matter what. No one truly understands what it will mean daily life will look like.

It's such a tough hand to get dealt - and it's lonely because there aren't many people who understand and you're venting here because you have no where in real life that you will be heard, understood and hugged.

You desperately need a life too. Your DH may not be great at the childcare but how is he at the wife care? Talk to your GP, get some support and call a family meeting telling them you are not coping so you cannot be the rock that others lean on.

Most GP's have someone cry in their surgery at least once a day. It's part of their job and they understand that. It's never a problem when it's someone who is crying for valid reasons. Yours are about as valid as they come.

[Shoes]

I can empathise hugely with you. I also have a son with special needs. He is very hard work and it's extremely difficult to go anywhere unless I have someone else with me. I also have 2 younger kids and I hate to feel they're missing out. Can you try and reframe it from being prisoners in your own home to something more positive? We try to see it that our home is our happy place and we have everything the kids need here. There are a few special needs camps that my son attends during the summer and that gives me a chance to do stuff with the younger kids. Could you look into anything like that to give you a bit of a break during the summer?

I'm also the go-to person in our family. My father has terminal cancer and I'm the only one who live nearby so at least 3 days a week while the kids are in school I end up spending the day with him or doing stuff for my mum. I don't mind that, they genuinely appreciate everything and I don't feel I'm being pulled out of as such. Could you distance yourself a bit from the requests? Don't always answer the phone. As I say I'm with my parents probably three days but I do try to give myself at least one day in the week while the kids are at school that I just flop and do nothing and don't feel guilty if I just watch TV or or read a book or whatever for the day.

Is there any point in talking to your husband about his lack of support? My DH was DS's full-time carer for the first 5 years so thankfully he knows well how hard it can be and is well able to jump in and be hands-on when he gets home. I can't even imagine how hard it would be if he wasn't engaged.
Big hugs to you, life as a special needs parent can feel unbearably hard at times. I do have days where I just want to cry my eyes out and I think why is life so hard.

[mcmammy2]

I'm sorry OP life can be shit. I am shocked that anyone would lean on you when you quite clearly have enough on you plate. Your DC is also your husbands DC he doesn't get to leave it all on you. You can't parent effectively if you are tired/ exhausted stressed and feeling hopeless. Believe me I know and wish I had sorted that out years ago. My DH very rarely did anything with the kids, despite me asking. Eventually he was given an ultimatum and now acts like a parent. This is not your lot in life, you need support and you need to demand it of him, your extended family and whoever else can help. A walk or bath does not cut it. That is basic self care that you are entitled to. A break is an afternoon or/and evening to do as you wish at the very bear minimum once a week. You are not asking too much you are asking for what you are entitled to.

[Holly88]

Sorry to hear this. Agree with posters above that what you are feeling is completely normal faced with all you do.

And like someone said above none of us had contingency plans for having a child with extra needs - you are def not stupid.

Parenting is hard at the best of times and special needs really asks so much more.

Have you spoken to your public health nurse - there might be supports she’s aware of.

Depending on your sons diagnosis there might be face book groups etc they could advise you on respite/ offer support.

Re your family they need to understand how stretched you are and find support elsewhere . And your husband also needs to row in a bit more he’s probably stressed too but needs to mind you so the family can thrive together and this probably needs to be spelled out very clearly - specific statement like I’m taking Saturdays off from now on to rest/ whatever.

There’s a way through this for you op and there are supports that will help you - this is a tough time but hopefully there will be better days ahead for you when you have recharged and have help and understanding to put supports in.

Today is a tough day for mums when the going isn’t easy but I hope you at least feel better today that you need, deserve and will get the help and support you need. You def don’t need to feel any shame, guilt or self reproachment. Well done for posting here to get it off your chest.

Sending you every positive wish.

xxx

[NDM]

I've nothing to add other than your post is so very sad.
Please get help for yourself.

Mothers day can be challenging and magnifing for those mammies who are having a hard time.

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[SecretMe]

Not much to add other than to say that your title and your post are disconnected. I don't think you "don't like being a mother" I think its more about "don't like not having support".

It's tough and hard to keep going when you are pulled in different directions.

Try to talk to your DH about how you are feeling and your GP. You won't be the first to bawl in the doctors surgery.

[Gervais]

Get to your gp this week and start looking after yourself. Pull the plug on all support to other people for now. Just say No. They can pay someone to fix a fucking dishwasher, or get a taxi to appointments. Send out one text to them all saying you are not available to anyone for the foreseeable future. Sit your Dh down and tell him you need support or he'll end up having to do all the caring when you end up having a breakdown.

[Shining]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time and you are having a rough time. I feel like you are hard on yourself...but reading your post I'm in awe of all you do and you sound really fabulous.
Firstly you need to put yourself first. You don't have to do everything at once. First I'd visit your gp. I've been there. You can do it.
Your husband needs to step up and parent.
Also I think the idea of your home as your safe space and sanctuary is a good one.
Something I might suggest, and again I'm only suggesting this, but a day where you get to do a day trip or day out by yourself is very important. Also do you get to spend time one on one with your other children? That's also really important.
Do you have a night where your husband does the night care and you can get a night's sleep?
I think with your family commitments you need to perhaps say no completely or stick to a very limited commitment (like I can bring mum to appointment on Thursday) and outside of that you're not available. I'm a single parent and I have managed to do everything myself, the appointments, collections because I had to, and if I can do it they can too.
Dont be bullied or sobstoried into doing more. I think you need to make it very clear you have your own commitments and your own family's needs come first.
I'd also suggest contacting Family Carers Ireland for support.
If you continue as you are you'll end up ill. You need to care for yourself xx

[tippexile]

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. I agree with everyone, you are being too hard on yourself. Motherhood is hard and especially so when your child has additional needs.
Like everyone has said, you need to go the gp and explain exactly how you feel. You're not superhuman and you need help. The lack of sleep alone is so hard to cope with.
Then , you need to talk to your husband. He might just need it spelled out exactly what support you need if he is anything like my husband. Write it out if you have too.
Lastly, you send to send a WhatsApp or text to everyone else who is demanding help from you. Say something like as "you know x has additional needs, I am finding it hard enough to cope with all that entails, I cannot and will not be able to deal with anything else, please do not ask me to do x y or z as I will not do it anymore". You then ignore any guilt and texts/calls etc trying to get you to change your mind.
I also think you could benefit from some counselling to offload your mental load and give you coping mechanisms and the confidence to say no to others.
Look after yourself.

[Rita]

Also I am not sure how old your child is but days out will become easier. For now it might be you stay half hour and go or go early and leave when it gets busy.
Your child may like to wear headphones and not participate as much as you like but do things they might like. Set up your back garden so they may play there safely and you can sit out. I hope you are getting dca and any other supports..if you can use the respite in June for garden toys they may like. Hopefully you get July provision and get that time .

First things though is see the gp and change some things in your life so you get respite in the mornings when they are at school. That few hours is for you and you alone. If your husband can’t help out with your child as much as he should then get him to do things like shopping, cooking etc.