Son being touched inappropriately by another student

[MarchMum]

My son is in 4th year and was telling me before about one of the other guys who is a bit of a sleaze. They aren't friends but in the same friend group. This guy puts his hands on others thighs, legs, back and makes others feel very uncomfortable. They said they spoke to him, told him the stuff was inappropriate and to stop but seemingly he hasn't. They've been doing a lot of stuff on consent in school recently and I think it's hit DS about the way this guy was touching him. And a few other guys have said the same. I hadn't realised how uncomfortable DS was with what was happening as he laughed off a lot of it and didn't make a big deal of it until now.

Not really sure how to handle it, most of the incidents happened last year as they have gone out of their way to avoid being around this guy. DS wants to make the school aware and I just want to make sure I handle this correctly.

Anyone dealt with an issue like this?

[ali]

Would your son talk to his year head himself?, doesent really matter what the type of behaviour is, your ds is not comfortable with it, has told the person to stop and its still happening. Personally if it was my son I would email the year head myself as I know it can be very daunting for them to actually approach a teacher by themselves with something like this. The guy in question may just need a quick word from a person in authority to reinforce that when someone says to stop doing something you need to respect their personal space and stop doing it.

[RDR]

Before approaching the school I'd talk to him in-depth about what is bothering him. Is he wondering about how he should have/could have handled it more effectively? What are his feelings about what happened? Does he think the guys motivation is sexual, a power play, more than a lack of thought or consideration? What does he think is going on? Is he concerned that this guy is dangerous in some way? I'd also talk to him about what is happening currently. And about what he wants to happen. What does he want the teacher/school to do? What does he realistically think might happen? Does he want an opportunity to confront this guy with teachers/parents present? Does he think the situation will improve if the other student is confronted? How much of it is historical and how is that likely to influence how the school deals with the issue?

Having discussed the situation and likely/possible/probable outcomes and the likelihood of them, if your son still wants to contact the school would he first approach the teacher who is doing the consent work and talk about what happened in that context? Alternatively maybe a form teacher or year head depending on who he knows best.

[Novbaby31]

RDR - I am not sure I would do any of that. For me it is quite simple - he is not comfortable with a fellow pupil touching him. He doesn’t need to understand why he thinks that or analyse it. If he wants it to stop and despite the individual having been asked not to they are still doing it then escalating to year head is the next step.

The OPs son is entitled to have a boundary about his personal space. He doesn’t need to analyse it, just have it respected.

He doesn’t like how he is being touched, he wants it to stop. Why he doesn’t like it is not an issue - he doesn’t need to have a reason.

I would be contacting the year head tomorrow especially seeing as he is asking for help here.

The school can deal with the individual and why they are doing it.

I wouldn’t over complicate this.


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[Rita]

If it was a girl being touched we would immediately say go to someone in authority..so the same should apply to a boy.
Is there any teacher your son would feel particularly comfortable talking too or would he like you to contact the school and ask can he speak to a teacher?

[DiscoGirl]

I would get in touch with the school and or the community Guard, what this guy is doing it wrong, doesn’t matter what his reasons are, if it’s making your ds uncomfortable it needs to stop!

[RDR]

RDR - I am not sure I would do any of that. For me it is quite simple - he is not comfortable with a fellow pupil touching him. He doesn’t need to understand why he thinks that or analyse it. If he wants it to stop and despite the individual having been asked not to they are still doing it then escalating to year head is the next step.

The OPs son is entitled to have a boundary about his personal space. He doesn’t need to analyse it, just have it respected.

He doesn’t like how he is being touched, he wants it to stop. Why he doesn’t like it is not an issue - he doesn’t need to have a reason.

I would be contacting the year head tomorrow especially seeing as he is asking for help here.

The school can deal with the individual and why they are doing it.

I wouldn’t over complicate this.


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The reason I'd be talking to him about the things I raised is because I would think it quite possible that those issues are going to come up in conversations with the school whether it is the parent or student who is talking to the school. He needs to be able to articulate what is wrong (and maybe he can but the OP hasn't communicated that to me). There are people (men and women) who are much more touchy than I like. I can articulate when it is because I dislike touch/invasion of my space (like when dh's aunt grabs my arm) or when it has sexual overtones (former MD where I worked) to where I find it patronising ("there there dear") or just plain annoying (those people who feel a need to touch your arm regularly throughout a conversation, presumably to establish connection or artificial closeness. How I deal with a situation and what I expect to happen will depend on those things. I'd want him to have thought through what he wants to happen because he needs to be able to articulate to the school what he wants to happen. "I want it to stop" is too high level. What do you want to happen to get it to stop? He's 16 and the student isn't going to disappear so he needs to be aware of that. This would be no different if this was being related about a girl. What's happening, what's wrong with it, what do you want to do to address it?

I may be reading it wrong but the "touched inappropriately" phrase has sexual overtones. There's a guy who slaps everyone on the back, has a habit of flinging his arm round people, punches in the arm when chatting and doesn't seem to get that it is really annoying is different (though to me also not appropriate but without the sexual overtones). From the OPs post I don't know which it is. Maybe the OP does. Maybe her son does. But I would stand by the need to distinguish before approaching the school.

[StarryNight]

There doesn't need to be a big debate with the child or the school.
No one should be touching anyone, at any stage, without their consent. To do otherwise is assault and having a huge analysis or debrief is irrelevant. Someone is touching him, it's unwanted and the person doing it has to stop it immediately.

[CocoRose]

They got consent training recently and this touching of your DS wasn't recent but seemingly still going on.... so I think the onus is on firstly chatting to whoever recently experienced it to verify that he continues to do this. Given he's probably age 15 last year, 16 this year with consent training. Maybe another chat? It's hard to be full sure what's the right course of action that doesn't end yo with the other student not getting a fair chance to recognise his actions are not appropriate.

Assuming he hasn't actually touched someone inappropriately in a more serious way. I'm just thinking immaturity etc.

[CocoRose]

Is being touched assault?

[StarryNight]

Yes of course it is. You can't just go around assuming people are fine with being touched just because you might know them. No one in work goes around touching me, nor do my friends in a social setting.
And we can all tell when someone is a sleaze. Which is the word op has said her son used. Who wants a sleaze touching you in what's supposed to be a safe environment. Sleazes rely on people being too uncomfortable to call them out on their shit.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[CocoRose]

I get that unwanted touch is wrong, I am just thinking though could you actually accuse someone of 'assault' for tapping you on the back when you told them on Tuesday to not do that. I just see assault as harmful touch.

And looking at the in the context of them still being studentz, not adults.

Not questioning sleazy people. Just trying to be devil's advocate here to ensure fairness to a possibly immature idiot of a kid that might need a firmer chat had about boundaries.

[StarryNight]

People with usual social skills are able to tell the difference between a tap on the shoulder or a squeeze of the thigh. And if you're worried about being accused of something, just don't touch anyone. Problem solved.
There's no indication this boy has any issues with coping with social settings. If he's been spoken to be fellow pupils and that hasn't stopped him he needs dealing with by someone in authority.

[RDR]

Is being touched assault?

If my dh's aunt clutches my arm then it is not assault though I find it really unpleasant and unsettling. I don't like people touching my arm when talking to me never mind the clutching. If someone fondles my crotch on a crowded train (or wherever), then yes. In this post/thread it is not at all clear (to me) what is meant by the "touching" that took place. It is hugely relevant to what happens when it is raised with the school. Not everything we dislike or find unsettling is either criminal or sanctionable. I'd imagine that the mum in talking to her son knows exactly what kind of touching it was. We don't. But to answer your question, no, not all touch is assault.