DH leaving

[Lady Madonna]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. A long time ago someone in my circle was the other woman in a similar situation, people couldn't understand why she would be interested in a man who was leaving his wife, she'll admit now she was young and naive and believed all the things he told her about his wife and why he was leaving, he said the relationship had ended years ago but he stayed for the kids etc. It was all lies, he was a narcissist and she was just new supply to him. He realised the grass wasn't greener and went back to his wife and while I find it hard to have any sympathy for the OW, she was in pieces after he had love bombed her and then dropped her. He had other affairs since, the problem was never his wife or any of the other women, it was all on him.
I wouldn't worry about what the neighbours or anyone else thinks. Neighbours of ours split up recently after decades of marriage, people were shocked when they heard but then just said things like "it's their own business" and got on with their own lives. There were one or two busybodies but they found something else to gossip about fairly quickly.

[CocoRose]

So sorry you are going through this.

[Angied]

I’m so sorry op
I’ve been through this and know exactly how you feel, he even pulled the depression card on me too and went to the GP for mild anti d’s now I’m not saying he wasn’t depressed and I’m in no way knocking that depression is real, I know it is very much real
but I feel it was amplified in his case if you know what I mean..
I was devastated when he decided he was leaving as I felt I had made so many compromises over the 21 years we were married
He made the decision and had left the house 2 weeks later
He very quickly was in a new relationship and is still with her and moved in with her and her 3 kids about a year later
I have no idea if she was on the scene before he left but if I know him as I do I’d say yes she was.

My advice is to concentrate on you and the kids and put your needs first over his - let him on and believe me you will come out stronger the other end. I spent too much time dwelling and once I let him go in my head I was a different person
Be strong and believe in yourself xx


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[Shining]

Great advice here.
I've also been someone whose marriage broke down (and believed all the lies I was told..that I was at fault, his health was breaking down, I even had a pretend cancer diagnosis thrown into the mix), I ended it and you know what, my neighbours genuinely weren't that bothered only I found most had compassion. Since then I've heard about other marriages breaking down and I don't find it scandalous or gossip fodder, but I genuinely feel for the people involved and most people are the same.
And I'll also say as someone suffering from severe anxiety and depression I don't use it as an "excuse" for my behaviour, I still manage to treat the people in my life with decency and respect.

[tippexile]

Great advice here.

And I'll also say as someone suffering from severe anxiety and depression I don't use it as an "excuse" for my behaviour, I still manage to treat the people in my life with decency and respect.

This. I also suffered from anxiety and depression and I was more worried about this affected my family than myself. I hate seeing the "could he be depressed "question being asked when somebody is treating someone usually his wife badly.
It's not a get out of jail card. You still know how to treat people with common decency and respect.

[In denial]

OP here.
Thanks again to everyone for the support and especially to the posters who shared their own separation stories.

We told the kids and he has left the house.

My main concern now is to sort out financial agreements ASAP, as well as agree his time with the kids.

I've tried to Google but it's just not sinking in what I have to do, can we make an agreement ourselves just on a sheet of paper and sign it? Do we need solicitors?

At the moment he's saying he wants nothing to do with the house but I presume it's nowhere near as straightforward as him just giving it to me? And surely if he talks to a solicitor he'll be advised against that? I really want the agreement about the roof over our heads to be watertight.

How do I start calculating a maintenance figure? I want to make sure I cover everything so that I don't leave myself short and again I want to make sure it's fully watertight, will I need a solicitor for this?

Sorry for all the questions but I want to sort this sooner rather than later while he still is trying to be the big, generous person that wants to look after his wife and kids

[In denial]

OP here.

We're nearly a week on from finding out about the affair. He left the house at the weekend after we told the kids that we had decided to go our separate ways. It's not sitting right with me that I essentially took half the responsibility for ending it when in reality it was all him. But I had to think of the DC and what was best for them.

The relationship with the OW is continuing which obviously I'm powerless to do anything about. But if it becomes long term I don't know how I'll cope or deal with her having contact with the DC. But I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

We're meeting this evening in a neutral location to start discussing access, maintenance etc. I'd really like to get an idea of where his head is at about those things. I've made initial contact with a solicitor who said if we can put together terms ourselves we should but not to agree to anything without having it reviewed by him. It sounds like a sensible approach to me, don't know what ex will be thinking.

How do we agree/calculate ongoing maintenance? And would really appreciate if anyone would be willing to share how they worked out the family home. Obviously I'll need proper legal advice on it but real life stories would be helpful. I don't know if I could ever afford to buy him out and I hate to think it may have to be sold.

It's been a long week, my friends have been super but I feel very lonely at the moment and am jealous of the companionship he will get from the OW while I navigate life alone.

[Carmella]

Well in my experience (with friends husbands) he will agree to anything now (and will be over generous) but may change his mind later on when he feels less guilty. You should definitely see a solicitor this week and get the house offer in writing while he is still feeling generous.

You have already been conned into talking to the children before you are ready, don’t let him do it again. Make an appointment this week with a solicitor and don’t put it off. All the very best.

[Kensington]

Definitely see a solicitor now. Also is there any way you can access any cheap therapy/counselling for yourself? you've had an awful lot thrown at you including a terrible betrayal and it would be helpful I think for you to talk to someone independent about how you feel.

[Groucho]

Agree with Carmella and am seeing this in action with my friends ex-H at the moment. He initially wanted nothing to do with the house, he was walking away etc but has recently started dark mutterings about how it's half his anyway. I don't know if the economic realities of life have started to bite, or if his new girlfriend is sick of shouldering all the financial burden of the new relationship, but it doesn't bode well. So, I'd be wary of a loose verbal-type agreement between you that might not stand up to the first gust of wind if push comes to shove and things get a bit uglier. Which they may. Or if his new lady sticks her spoke in. Which she might. Also, you are still in shock, so with the greatest of respect to you, I doubt you're in the ideal state of mind to agree to things now that may have unforeseen consequences down the line. So I'd probably sit down with him and hear what he proposes, agree to nothing, and take that to your solicitor.

Re: cost of living etc. I guess it's a matter of going through your expenditure, credit card & bank statements to see what it really costs to keep your family show on the road. You can't really agree to a maintenance figure until you know what that has to cover, I'd imagine (but there are plenty of great strong women on here who have been through this who can give you far better advice)

I hope you are OK. What a whirlwind you are going through, you poor thing.

[RDR]

In my case we weren't married and it was a long time ago but I doubt everything has changed hugely. The affadavit of means that we had to produce was a statement on incomings and outgoings. Maintenance isn't based just on what it costs to raise children but is also impacted by available means. Do some work on numbers yourself but your solicitor should be able to advise with headings.
Things to think of (there are probably loads I've forgotten):
food
clothing
housing
utilities (on the house and also mobile bills for kids if relevant)
childcare and/or babysitters
transport
school
activities
holidays
birthdays
Xmas
medical and dental

Consider commitments to childrens' activities, social life, parties etc. For eg we had a commitment to honour our child's commitments regardless of who he is with.
Weekend access, midweek?, bank holidays, holidays.

It is reasonable to commit to not introducing partners til they are established (ie you dont want kids involved in every half-baked relationship). Keep in your own mind also how these things might work with new partners on the scene. Can be relevant in how access is managed. Consider where hand-offs take place. Depending on the age of the child they may have opinions. It is not your job to make your children see their father but you have to facilitate access. If the children are old enough they can have their views heard.

Keep in mind also that things change so have an eye to the costs that may not exist now but might in the future (eg orthodontic work).

You can work out an agreement with solicitors and then present it to the court for sign-off. Whatever you agree get it made an order of the court. Mediators can be useful sometimes (and not other times). Your solicitor is absolutely right. Do not agree to anything without legal review. Get an idea from the solicitor what this is likely to cost.

That's all that springs to mind right now. Good luck.

[Lady Madonna]

A friend told me once his divorced/separated sister had an agreement that she would stay in the house until the youngest child reached 18 and then it would be sold. What happened in the intervening years is none of my business but I do know that her children are in their 20s now and she still has the house, it was never even put on the market but if it was it would sell easily for a good price so something must have been worked out.

Your H was sneaky enough to go behind your back and meet the OW it wouldn't be beyond him to have been consulting a solicitor on the quiet. You say he's being generous but it's not unusual for people to gaslight and say "I never said that" so I would say get everything in writing if you can, and soon. He won't stay nice for too long, if he was really that nice he wouldn't have done what he did.

I hope you and your children are managing OK, that's the most important thing.

[StarryNight]

In Mumsnet parlance, I would start getting your ducks in a row right now. Gather all your legal and financial information together, start tracking your outgoings and start the ball rolling with a solicitor.
Separations can turn so nasty despite nice words said at the time of the breakup. I would be 100% businesslike with him from now on.

And I really hope you can get some councilling for yourself, its the oxygen mask idea, put your own safety gear on first so you're able to cope with it all.

[Shining]

We were renting so I didn't have a house issue. I did however has an agreement for maintenance and access, which we both signed as a legal separation. Neither was held to and I ended up in court many times on both. So yes, things can turn nasty and agreements not held to.
Definitely run everything by your solicitor and follow their advice.
I have to say maintenance in my case was never looked at in terms of his means in court (really only mine) so I had to "prove" that I needed it increased (which still rankles). The maintenance I receive has no bearing on his income. So try and get agreement on a fair figure from the start...and don't forget gaeltacht, school trips, uniform, books, hobbies, physio, dental, optician...

[Unnamed poster 7]

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