DH leaving

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[mcmammy2]

Ah god I am sorry. You deserve better. Flipping the blame and turning it on you and then trying to tell the kids immediately is terrible on top of having an affair. I hope you have good support IRL. Wish I could give you a hug. You will be fine and the kids will be fine. There are other women in here who have been through similar and honestly I think they are inspirational in how they have moved on and created great lives for themselves and their kids.

[Shining]

I'm sorry to read this.
Was he going to place all the blame on you and keep schtum until you found out? Despicable.

[StarryNight]

Sorry to hear that op. I did think there's a high chance there's someone else in the picture. Glad you can move forward now and make sure to look after yourself and don't get drawn into any dead ends with him. Get some counselling as soon as you're up to it.

[Groucho]

Unfortunately I did too. This is, sadly, textbook midlife crisis shit. I am so sorry you are going through it. The only small positive is that you can stop trying to find reasons and potentially finding fault with yourself for why the marriage broke down. Hope you're OK and you have support IRL.

[GerryG]

I'm sorry to read this.
Was he going to place all the blame on you and keep schtum until you found out? Despicable.

I agree despicable

Im so sorry, pls don’t blame yourself one bit. We’re all entitled over the years to not be all singing and all dancing and that includes men too. But this crack of jumping in to bed with someone else then blaming the woman just riles me.

Big hugs to you x

[August]

I’m so sorry, OP. You sound really positive considering how hard all this must be. It’s so good you can have a sense of certainty now.

[SecretMe]

Sorry to read this. You do sound much more positive in your update in terms of practical stuff, but it must be devastating nonetheless.

Best of luck over the coming weeks and months xx

[molls]

He's a complete prick. I am sorry he has done this to you. Be kind to yourself. Do tell someone in real life too, you'll need the support.

[LucyS]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm sorry to read this.
Was he going to place all the blame on you and keep schtum until you found out? Despicable.

This. He really is utterly despicable.

He has been undermining you and making you question yourself by gaslighting you with his lies.

[tippexile]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm sorry to read this.
Was he going to place all the blame on you and keep schtum until you found out? Despicable.

This. He really is utterly despicable.

He has been undermining you and making you question yourself by gaslighting you with his lies.

Totally agree that he was gaslighting you and was probably going to try to paint it all as your fault to everyone else.
Use the anger that you feel now to your advantage. On Monday, call a solicitor and see where you stand legally. As they say on mumsnet, get your ducks in a row. Find all the financial information like pensions, savings, mortgage and take copies.
Remember how he tried to treat you and look after yourself and the children first. He might try to soften you up by appealing to your kindness but remember how he treated you. Don't expect him to play fair especially if he wants to run off into the sunset with this other woman.

[Supermaman]

Awful awful. I wish you strength for the next few days and weeks. Look after yourself so you can look after your children.

He’s a fool. As someone said, textbook. What does he think is going to happen? Live a worry free existence with a young one while he neglects his children? Maybe for a while until she wants children herself and he finds himself 15 years back doing it all again. Just a fool.

Take care.

[In denial]

I am so sorry to read the update OP but you have clarity now on things and you know this is not your fault. Have you both decided how to tell the kids etc? Is he still currently in the family home?

We had decided to wait for a little longer until we could give the kids more concrete answers. The affair only came out very late last night when it was too late for him to go anywhere. But obviously l don't want him here any longer with this new information so he's booked somewhere to stay for the wknd and he'll have to sort something longer term come Monday. But jesus the price of rent is eye-watering, I don't know how we're financially going to work that out.
He's at work now and when he comes back we'll have to decide what exactly we tell the kids. I'm not sure how ready I am for that conversation but feel like it's better happening now with the weekend ahead of them rather than waiting till a school night.

I'm sorry to read this.
Was he going to place all the blame on you and keep schtum until you found out? Despicable.

When he first told me he had no feelings it didn't immediately feel like he was laying blame, but looking back I was being too generous to him I think. He let me do a lot of talking, a lot of which were harsh words about myself. And I think as that happened it suited him to follow that narrative so he went with it.
Some of the things he said since the original revelations are really ridiculous and upsetting now that I know about the OW and feel designed to cause maximum hurt..little crumbs of hope dressed up as trying to be kind to me.

He won't want the outside world to think bad of him and I think he was hoping to separate the break up from the betrayal, he's nearly convinced himself that they're not connected.
I hate that in order to spare the kids any added upset and to spare myself any extra humiliation that I'm going to have to lie for him. I have some friends that I can confide in but I can't bear the neighbours and my colleagues knowing the gruesome details.

Sorry to read this. You do sound much more positive in your update in terms of practical stuff, but it must be devastating nonetheless.

Best of luck over the coming weeks and months xx

Devastating is truly the word. Along with anger, sadness, worry, confusion and still an element of disbelief.

Sorry I'm rambling again, thank you all so much.

[Carmella]

Can you get an appointment with your counsellor, or some support in real life before telling the children? You are still in shock, take your time with that.
Have you access to all of his financial information? Try to get this and screenshot, copy it before he starts locking you out of accounts.
I know you are in shock but you need to do this now because he is a snake. Don’t take your time with that and don’t believe anything he is saying. I’m so sorry for you.

[mcmammy2]

Ah I'm so sorry. You have your head well screwed on. He is totally projecting as he knows he is the bad guy. If he was unhappy he could have said and ye could have tried to work it out, then if still unhappy he could leave. However he chose to have an affair. That is on him and not on you. He needs to own it. I have no practical advice however I am sure some of the women here will be able to offer you good advice. Fair play to you being strong. Whatever you do do not allow yourself to feel humiliated. He should be the one who is humiliated not you. However I can totally understand wanting to keep it under wraps for the kids sake.