DH leaving

[Aster]

I have gone through this, do not underestimate the effect this will have when you tell your kids, please have the discussions necessary with your H first so you both know what is happening, when he is going and where he is going, this needs to be sorted and you need to go through this process first and then tell the kids when you know how the next couple of weeks will pan out
telling our kids we were separating was the absolute worst thing I have ever gone through and I had months and months of time to try to come to terms with it myself first, if we had told them within the first few days it would have been even worse , the grief and anger and distress that you will go through yourself is immense , tell him to hold off and try and discuss yourselves what is going to happen
best of luck its a horrible horrible time but you will get through it xx

[StarryNight]

I wouldn't tell the kids immediately either. God, you have enough unanswered(able) questions yourself, besides throwing the kids into this confusing mix. Great for him, but he has had the benefit of thinking this for a while and he's raring to go. He can at the very least allow you to gather your thoughts and emotions and absorb this shock, before you are responsible for the kids' emotions as well (because it will be you - not him - picking up the pieces on this).

You also need time to figure the practicalities - who lives where, how you pay for 2 dwellings, etc without having the kids firing questions at you that you can't answer.

Sorry, but he can hold his bloody horses for a bit now until you get your head around this. What the fuck is it with men wanting to gallop off into the sunset without a backward thought for the mess they are leaving in their wake (a friend has been going through the same as you and her ex H's behaviour is honestly baffling - for someone who proclaims how much he loves his kids, he has thought of them precious little in racing off to his new life).

There is a really good thread or post on mumsnet about "the script" men all seem to have when in a midlife crisis. I'll link in case it helps OP. I've definitely seen versions of it with friends who's marriages or lt relationships have ended.
Men do seem to only think of themselves and not the bomb they're letting off in the family.
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationsh ... the-script

[In denial]

Everything you all are saying makes so much sense to me but how do I ask him to stay a while longer when he so obviously doesn't want to be near me?

And how much longer is reasonable to ask him to wait? A couple of days, a week, longer?

And how do we manage that in the house, one of us just stays away every evening? Aster you said you had months to come to term with it, was your ex still in the house during that time?

I'm sorry, I know there are no good answers. Wish I could slow my thoughts.

[tel]

so sorry you are going through this
I think delaying telling the kids the finality of the situation wouldn't be a bad thing. Could you explain it as needing space to think ?
Wishing you strength to deal with this
take care

[tippexile]

I wouldn't tell the kids immediately either. God, you have enough unanswered(able) questions yourself, besides throwing the kids into this confusing mix. Great for him, but he has had the benefit of thinking this for a while and he's raring to go. He can at the very least allow you to gather your thoughts and emotions and absorb this shock, before you are responsible for the kids' emotions as well (because it will be you - not him - picking up the pieces on this).

You also need time to figure the practicalities - who lives where, how you pay for 2 dwellings, etc without having the kids firing questions at you that you can't answer.

Sorry, but he can hold his bloody horses for a bit now until you get your head around this. What the fuck is it with men wanting to gallop off into the sunset without a backward thought for the mess they are leaving in their wake (a friend has been going through the same as you and her ex H's behaviour is honestly baffling - for someone who proclaims how much he loves his kids, he has thought of them precious little in racing off to his new life).

There is a really good thread or post on mumsnet about "the script" men all seem to have when in a midlife crisis. I'll link in case it helps OP. I've definitely seen versions of it with friends who's marriages or lt relationships have ended.
Men do seem to only think of themselves and not the bomb they're letting off in the family.
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationsh ... the-script

Agree with all of this. Firstly, it's not all down to you . If he won't go to counselling with you, then he's not trying to find a solution.
I agree too with not telling the children until things are definite. Look after yourself and just take things a day at a time.

[Groucho]

*replying to OP*

Honestly don't know other than refusing to sit in a room with him to tell them, until you feel a bit more ready. He will hardly take on a conversation like that on his own without you to mop the tears and pick up the pieces so I would just refuse to be part of it. Tell him it's out of the question just now. Re what you do to avoid each other, can he perhaps manage that - invent a work thing or course and make himself scarce in the evenings?

[mcmammy2]

Could he have to go out of town for a 'conference' or to 'help a sick relative'. Would give you time and space to gather your thoughts. Cos if he is there you can't just get space and time to regroup. Or could you take some time and head off to family and a friend for comfort and to deal with your emotions. It always seems to me terribly unfair that it is usually the wife left devastated who has to stay and mind the kids through such an emotional upheavel.

[Goose]

I hope you're OK and your kids too.

It's a bit late for my thoughts but I would think it's important that you both are around to answer questions your kids have and not leave the answers all to you. You've

[Aster]

Everything you all are saying makes so much sense to me but how do I ask him to stay a while longer when he so obviously doesn't want to be near me?

And how much longer is reasonable to ask him to wait? A couple of days, a week, longer?

And how do we manage that in the house, one of us just stays away every evening? Aster you said you had months to come to term with it, was your ex still in the house during that time?

I'm sorry, I know there are no good answers. Wish I could slow my thoughts.

So many women on here have gone through this but each situation is completely unique, only you know the dynamic between you and your H even though you are completely blindsided right now, there is no right or wrong way to separate , its traumatic and dreadful in its own way but in most cases it is for the better .. I can only speak about what worked for me and what I could handle at the time and also what my exH agreed to, the initial stages of trying to save a failed marriage, the realization that it was beyond saving, the grief then anger then sadness then acceptance , we agreed primarily what would be in the best interests of the kids, we went to counselling, then mediation then agreed when and how we would tell the kids so this was all done over 18 months, and yes it was hugely difficult but we rarely were in the house at the same time and at times he wanted to tell the kids earlier than we had agreed , they had no idea at all absolutely none when we told them , this was what worked for me but it absolutely wouldn't work for so many others , he slept in a different room and we were civil he moved out a month after telling the kids but that was after months of me coming to terms with it but at that stage there was a concrete plan in place and I was in a better place to be strong for them , but only you and him can work out what will work for you, I really think this needs to be a discussion between the two of you and that is hugely difficult and desperately upsetting you can go to counselling where its not about repairing its about going forward and trying to work out what will work for you both with an independent counsellor and that was good as it allowed both of us to talk but we went into counselling to draw up some sort of framework, please try and talk to at least one good friend where you can be completely honest i didnt tell my family until after H had moved out but I had confided in a few very close friends,

[In denial]

Well I'm a total mug. And unfortunately Nodrog called it first, there's another woman. He tried to deny it at first but I found evidence that he couldn't explain away. I have been so naive, and now that I know there's someone else the script that starry posted is becoming quite accurate.

I'm actually feeling calmer than I'd expect, probably because this takes away all the uncertainty that had been clogging my thoughts. Obviously I'm upset but at least I can busy my brain with practical things now.

He says he's not leaving to go to her, but who knows. She's much younger..13 years younger which at the moment I can only eyeroll at. It's such a cliché. And not something the man I married would have done.

I was coming to terms with the fact he was leaving and had started to absolve myself of some of the blame, I can still own some of the behaviours that would have led to his loss of feelings but as some of you said he never made attempts to resolve anything and noone put a gun to his head to jump into bed with someone else.

Anyway this is a tale as old as time, I'm going to draw inspiration and courage from the strong women here who have ploughed this path before me.

I'm going to concentrate on myself and the children over the weekend so may not get back to post straight away but thanks to everyone who took the time to reply.

[Nodrog]

OP Hope you are doing okay, been thinking about you.

[tea]

I'm really sorry op.

[tanya2008]

Im so sorry you are gioing through this and please dont be putting it all on you. He seems very rushed in the process which is very infair on you. If he wants out theres nothing you could do but he has literally told you he wants out and within a week to tell the children, thats very unfair on you and i think you need to think about yourself and kids and stand your ground if you feel your not ready to tell them. My family member had this 2 years ago and the kids were really upset and took a bit of counseling and time to get over it, but my sister done it in her own time to tell them, as usually the men walk off and the women are left picking up the emotional pieces with the kids. I hope im making sense. Really thinking of you and a week of it being official is not enough time for you to get your head around this.

Hope your ok xxx

Sorry just seen your update, so sorry, its exactly what happened my family member , try keep talking here if you need anything

[kahlan]

This is on him OP. Lying, cheating fecker. Have no mercy on him. Look after your needs now, gather your supports and in time you will consider yourself well rid. How dare he. Wishing you strength x

[DiscoGirl]

Virtual hugs to you xxx