DH leaving

[In denial]

I'm a regular user but don't want to post under my usual name.
DH told me last week that he doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave. He wants space and time away from me, in my heart of hearts I know if he leaves he won't come back.
If I'm honest things haven't been right for a long time, I've not been easy to live with at times, I've been angry and petty. I can see that so clearly now, I pushed him away. I don't know why, I never wanted him to leave.

He wants to tell the kids this evening (14&11) and move out straight away. I don't know where.

He's admitted he might be depressed and has made arrangements to see a gp.

I don't know what to do, I want to give him the space he's asked for but I also want to beg him to stay but I also want to scream at him for pulling the trigger on our family. And I want to scream at myself too, for my utter stupidity and blindness to how bad things had gotten.

He says he won't go to counselling with me. I've arranged to see someone on my own to help me cope with my swirling thoughts.

I know I'm rambling, my heads all over the place. I don't really know why I'm posting. I know noone has a magic wand.

I really don't want it to be over. But I think I might be in denial. In reality it's probably too late.

[Nodrog]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like your H has checked out of the relationship.
Having counselling for yourself is a good idea.
Could there be another woman? It's unusual for a man to leave with nowhere to go.

[Shining]

I'm sorry to read this. I would caution you about blaming yourself however. Don't fall into a trap where you see yourself as behaving a particular way that somehow drove him away. Everyone is not easy to live with at times. We react or behave if we're upset or if times are tough. Accept yourself. Go easy on yourself...sounds like you've been through a tough time.
I think counselling would help you.
Mind yourself. We're here if you need to chat.

[Flux]

I don't have any advice but sending you a hug and wishing you the best. Please don't blame yourself - there are two of you in the relationship. He could have spoken with you and suggested remediation before jumping to this extreme. Be kind to yourself xx

[The Wife]

Please don't let him tell the children until everything is sorted properly ie that he is definitely leaving, where he's going, how long for, how much they will see him etc. Children need definites. Not vagueness. It would be very unfair to drop this on them when he's only just told you and you can't process it yourself yet. He really needs to slow this down and think it through before being so rash.

[tea]

Take a breath! This is not all on you.
It's a shame he won't agree to counselling. If he is adamant then there you need to put things in place. He doesn't need to rush it. He may have been thinking about this and processed it but it's still a shock to you and will be to the kids.
I'd be sitting down and if won't do counselling, make a list together of practical arrangements, and agree on what you're going to tell the kids and when.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[In denial]

OP here, thanks for the messages. I've seen other women get such support here and never realised how much it could help. I've felt very alone since he told me last week, I've confided in one friend but I'm really not ready to speak about it IRL.

I'm very unsure about talking to the kids so soon, because as some of you have said I'm not sure what it is we're actually telling them. I'd like to wait until he's at least seen the GP but I think he thinks I'm trying to delay him or change his mind.

I do know things haven't been good, I'm not denying that at all but I do feel like he's not in the right frame of mind at the moment to be making these big decisions especially with regards the children. I don't think he's seeing clearly the impact it will have on them and when I'm not upset I'm angry that he's OK with leaving me to pick up the pieces while he walks out the door.

I can't say for certain that there isn't another woman, he says there isn't, my gut says there isn't but honestly the man in front of me could be a stranger at the moment rather than my husband of 20 years so who knows.

I agreed last night to talk to the children today because it's so obvious he can't bear to be in the same room as me but I'm regretting that right now.

[DiscoGirl]

I’m sorry you are going through this, I have to disagree with telling the kids that their dad is off helping a relative/work, you will be telling them a lie , and as hurtful as things are they need to know they can trust you , that said I don’t know about when telling the kids is right , you are obviously in shock , I hope you have someone to lean on be it family/friend, mind yourself x

[Tinkerbabe]

Have been through all of this a few years ago. Pm me if you want x

[Nodrog]

It will be an unsettling time for your children and its important that they know they can always rely on you to speak the truth, so that is what I would do. Tell them the truth.

[Vino]

I'm sorry to hear this what an awful blow for you.
I think for now you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's depressed and not in his right mind. Many people suffer depression and don't up and leave their families.

You and your children are your priority now and he doesn't get to call all the shots. You get a say too, you're their advocate, don't allow his wishes to dominate how this all plays out.

How are you financially, what's your housing situation. If you think that side will be difficult to manage speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later. You need to know your rights. You've been blind sided once, don't let that happen again.
Wishing you all the best. As you've seen on here there's a number of women who've been through similar and while they might not think it themselves, they've been so strong and amazing. I can't speak for them but I often think they seem more happier and content with their lot now and when they recall their married life.

[Carmella]

I wouldn’t be so quick to blame yourself. He is the one refusing to go to counselling. I’m sorry you are going through this but wait until you have all the information before you beat yourself up any more. He doesn’t get to decide when you tell the children either. He is not in charge any more.
You can ask him to wait until you have gotten support from your counsellor before there are any big announcements.

Mind yourself x

[Groucho]

I wouldn't tell the kids immediately either. God, you have enough unanswered(able) questions yourself, besides throwing the kids into this confusing mix. Great for him, but he has had the benefit of thinking this for a while and he's raring to go. He can at the very least allow you to gather your thoughts and emotions and absorb this shock, before you are responsible for the kids' emotions as well (because it will be you - not him - picking up the pieces on this).

You also need time to figure the practicalities - who lives where, how you pay for 2 dwellings, etc without having the kids firing questions at you that you can't answer.

Sorry, but he can hold his bloody horses for a bit now until you get your head around this. What the fuck is it with men wanting to gallop off into the sunset without a backward thought for the mess they are leaving in their wake (a friend has been going through the same as you and her ex H's behaviour is honestly baffling - for someone who proclaims how much he loves his kids, he has thought of them precious little in racing off to his new life).

[mcmammy2]

Sorry to hear this. Go easy on yourself. Noone is perfect and I am sure he is not either. If he never sat down with you and said there were things you both needed to work on and things that were upsetting him then how would you realise what he was thinking or feeling? It's good that you are seeing a counsellor as you need to work out your thoughts and feelings. Could you ask him to give you time to attend the counsellor and get yourself in order before you talk to the kids. Also could you get in touch with a solicitor to know what your entitlements and rights are? Then when you have it all together organise how to proceed. Whatever you do be kind to yourself this is a massive shift in your life and beating yourself up about the past will only make it worse. You will survive this whatever happens.